It's a vibrator, right?

Ok, I know I promised a post about Russtopia ( note to self, find out how to do that little Trade Mark thingy). This is just a really quick blurb,though.

This new razor. The one meant for women and buzzes with a battery in it. It's.... it's a vibrator in disguise, right? I'm talking about the Venus Vibrance you see up above there. How can it not be? Weigh in on this one please, ladies.

Jesus... if only they made pocket pussies attached to soap on a rope the playing fields would be level. You women have the shower toys so good and nobody says anything about it.

Vick's in a bad way

I'm gonna make a prediction. Michael Vick is gonna commit suicide. You heard me... he'll do himself in soon enough. Why you ask? His life has gone downhill in a MAJOR way ever since April. Somebody somewhere hadda have it in for this guy. There's just so much going on right now it's like it is orchestrated. Take a look...

http://www.optonline.net/News/AP/Article?articleId=335413&categoryId=22

For those that don't want to click the link, here it is in brief. They came to his house looking for drugs. They found them and a pit-bull fighting ring. In addiction to that, he lost his job as a ball tosser. The NFL basically fired him for the drugs, but the dog thing added into it. Now they want more than 20 million in bonuses back. An Indiana bank is now suing him for 2 million in unpaid business loan. A Canadian bank is suing him for 2.3 million in bad real estate investments. He now faces felony charges in Virginia for the dog thing.

Holy crap the list just goes on and on. This guy is a walking time bomb. I definitely see an O.J. thing coming up in his future. Like I said, I calls it like I sees it. He's gonna swallow him a bunch of pills and go nighty night.

The next post...... Russtopia explained! ( pay attention all you knee jerk Communism conspiracy theorists. I'm doing this for you ya know,lol.)

I should post about the obvious, but......

Yeah yeah. I know I should post about the obvious crap that everybody else is posting about. I just can't help myself to bring you something different, though. I know some bloggers are doing the "what's the deal with anal" bit. Others are keeping huge wars over Britney's baby issues and meat curtains flapping about ( thank you Puddin' ). I want to talk to you about my latest obsession, though.

Kat Von D.

I don't usually like this type. That is to say, the rocker retro funky look. I usually go for the plane Jane's with a bit of flair perhaps. This one though? Wheshooooo-weeeee. I'd like to take her for a cruise in Cunning-ville if you catch my drift. Before you jackasses start whining about the flabbitude hanging over her pants or some such. Lemme tell ya's all that I've never liked a woman that's built like Mary Kate Olsen. That unrealistic anorexia look just makes me wanna vomit. No sirs and ma'ams, I love me a real gal. Gimme something to grab onto and not have it feel like I'm hugging a skeleton. Not fatty pig fatty, but a REAL gal. Gimme hips and tits over ribs and bony knees anyday.

So what else has been going on. Oh yeah. I solved the world's problems. Well, as far as quality of living goes, anyways. I slowly need to become supreme ruler of the world while nobody is looking but I have a master plan. First off, everybody is legal. You heard me. Everybody is legal. I usually go into a tirade about illegal immigrants and how we're pussifying ourselves by letting them step all over us. I got it all wrong, though. Make everybody legal and nobody has to hide. The real problem at hand is everybody working. Once everybody works, we can enact plan Alpha. It's simple. I start up little communities of like minded people to comprise what I like to call the beginnings of "Russtopia". The housing, electricity,heat/hot water and all the like. Totally free. You heard me fuckers.... free. All's you have to do is abide by some simple rules. You work. That's rule #1. You have to become a productive member of society to validate your existance. Rule 2... 65% of your gross income goes to the good of Russtopia. Shut the fuck up you whiners. 65% is not even close to what you are pulling out of pocket right now to live and you know it. Most all of us are living paycheck to paycheck and losing ground every day. I'm giving you a roof over your head and no worries as far as freezing your asses off at night in winter. Combine that with gated/walled community where you are 100% safe from the crimes of most towns as well as a bunch of other things ( cable, phone, etc etc etc) and it's a good deal.

I'll probably make a dedicated post to Russtopia in the near future but I tell you, this idea has legs. The idea isn't to be totally spewed out in this post, though.

What else has been going on.... hmmmm.... They awarded that James Brown looking woman from NY for being called a bitch and then fired when she wasn't doing her job anymore. Way to go affirmative action assholes. You know what this is going to do now? It'll make people not want to hire women for fear of lawsuits is what it's gonna do. It's all part of the touchy feely bullshit that's going on in the world. Get over it and get used to it. You're not all special little snowflakes that need to be praised every time you wipe your asses correctly. The world is a harsh place. Once in a while you get called a bitch. I get called names on a continual basis. Hating work is part of life and so is the baggage that goes along with it. We all have bad days. They aren't worth 11 million, though.

Topps Beef Company is officially out of business. Bad cheap burgers for the masses I guess wasn't such a good idea. Well, maybe it was a good idea until they found E-Coli in the beef. Jesus... it's getting so you can't even cash your foodstamps in on some good low grade horse meat anymore. Good riddance, Topps. Your burgers sucked ( I tried one once. It was all just pink colored fat anyways) and now you have to pay 70 million in fines for it all. If I were you guys I'd go find me a good lawyer to sue the bastards who sold ya's the bad meat in the first place. Either way you slice it, there's gonna be some hungry Wal-Mart burger buying people out there. Perhaps now is the time I should start my new line of Cunning Linguist brand mostly beef patties. Hmmmmmm

Jeez, what a work rush.

Sorry about not posting, folks. It seems I have a work rush every 6 months or so and it gets the better of me. I don't know why it happens, it just does. For you all life goes on. For me it's suspended animation time. I havn't been able to catch up on anybody's blogs or even the news for that fact. Did Britney lose the babies? Hell, for that fact is she sane again or still on the nutjob kick. You guys have to fill me in.

Here... keep yourselves entertained with an impossibly addictive game while I spend a day to catch up on all of you. You know the deal.... parouse the blogs. Harass all of you in posts. Scan for new ways to leave sexually charged innuendo's ( yes, I'm speaking directly to you, Captain. jloltpyo ).

waste 5 minutes here

War for $41 -or- How Capital One credit card company is gonna get my foot up their asses

I know it's been suggested that anything over 250 words loses the reader. I have a lengthy post so I need a way around that. One thing that always keeps me reading is the 'ol conversation technique. With that in mind, I'll waste my 250 words on the subject giving you some background.

About last Oct./Nov. I had the good fortune enough to pay off all of my debt. All of it. No more credit cards. No more loans. No more anything. I was officially beholden to no-one and nothing with exception to my day to day bills. It's a good thing, right? Sure it is. If you can manage it, I highly suggest the number one thing you do is eliminate the credit card debt. If you ask me, it's the number one reason in this country people are claiming bankruptcy. The interest charges are insane. The debt only piles up higher and higher. NO GOOD can become of having credit cards. Yes yes, I understand the nature of being stranded and you just need that emergency plan in place. I have one card in my wallet that I keep for such things. No annual fees. No big interest rate. But I don't use it. As a matter of fact, I've never used them up until a few years ago and I got into deep water fast with them. It's just too easy to.

Before any of you hooligans start crying that "Gee Russ, You can't buy a house or get a car loan without credit" and such nonsense, let me tell you something. I bought my first house without ever owning a credit card. I got my first new car/loan without ever having a credit card. It's just not necessary. Credit is a scam put into place by lending institutions. Plain and simple. What would you need credit for if you don't have a credit card? Bullshit I say. Pure bullshit, credit scores and the like.

Anyways. So I get this piece of mail the other day. Hmmmm.. looks odd. Not like your usual "sign here for our free credit card" type offer ( which I usually just throw in the shredder). Lemme open it and see what's up. *tears open envelope*. What is this? It's a credit card bill? This is IMPOSSIBLE! Annual membership fee.... late fee.... yadda yadda yadda. I better call up. I'll save you the trauma I went through with the voice prompts. Suffice to say they want EVERYTHING automated. You just can't talk to a real life human being. Ok, then. You want it that way? Let's play. I start hitting all kinds of buttons to screw the account and lock it up. First I raised the credit limit. Then I requested it lowered. Then I cancelled the card. Then I tried to re-instate it. Then I asked for a duplicate card. Then I reported it stolen. Well.... that last one seemed to have done the trick. I heard the old "Hold for the next available operator" chime in. Mind you, I'm already a good half hour into the mess so I'm good and pissed. Here's how the conversation went....

Tommy ~ Hello, Mr. So-and-so. Can I have the proper spelling of your name, mother's maiden name, sperm sample, promisary note of the first born and anything else that might make your life difficult to let me know this is you? ( I'll tell you right now that "Tommy's" real name was probably Rashneesh Falaffel Patel Jr. because I got hooked into India. On top of everything, there's a good 3 second lag in speaking and even then the guy barely spoke english. Pissed? You don't even know)
Me ~ Uh.. blah blah blah, sperm sample papers here and uh... hey, I shaved my ass last week. Here's the blog post to have a chuckle over.
Tommy ~ Very good sir. What can I do for you today? I see that you want to.... you want to.... what is it that you want to do with your account?
Me ~ It's supposed to be cancelled. WHY IS THERE A BILL IN MY HANDS? I cancelled it last Novemeber. Can you see that? I specifically cancelled it and now I'm getting A GODAMNED BILL. Explain to me why I have a bill in my hands, Tommy. Explain it.
Tommy ~ Well sir, I see that you asked for a credit increase. Is that what you want today?
Me ~ Tommy? Can you hear me properly? Listen closely. I CANCELLED THIS CARD IN NOVEMBER OF 2006. I PAID IT OFF IN FULL. CONFIRM PLEASE. ( half yelling because of the bad phone line, half because I want to kill Tommy).
Tommy ~ Well sir, I see that you asked for a credit increase right here. And ..... well, then you asked for it to be cancelled. Then you asked for...
Me ~ Tommy, Tommy, Tommy. I know about that. I did all that on purpose because there is NO way of just getting a live human being on the phone to talk to. Ignore all that. I want to know why there is a 41 dollar balance on something that should have been cancelled almost a year ago. CONFIRM PLEASE ( note : you can be the most annoying nice person in the world if you keep repeating one phrase or even the person's name over and over again as it it were an exclamation point. It's an old trick I learned long ago. You don't believe me? Try repeating somebody's name after every sentence when you are pissed and having a discussion with them. It drives them bonkers and messes them all up).
Tommy ~ Well Mr. So-and-so... I'm sorry about the voice operator prompt not being clear. We are aware of the problem and are working on it. I assure you that Capital One Credit company is on top of the operator prompt issue and I....
Me ~ TOMMY! Stay with me here. I'm going to say this plainly and slowly so that we know what to focus on here. I cancelled this card back in November. I paid the balance in full. I owe you NOTHING. I will pay you NOTHING. No 41 dollars, Tommy. No mailing of the check, Tommy. No anything with your company anymore, Tommy. Find out why this was not cancelled,Tommy. Reverse the charges, Tommy. If you can't help me then I will hold for a manager that can assist me, Tommy. ( see how annoying that is now? lol) CONFIRM PLEASE.
Tommy ~ Please hold, sir.
~~~~ holding for no less than 10 minutes and multiple games of solitaire ~~~~
Tommy ~ Are you there Mr. So-and-so?
Me ~ Yes, Tommy. I'm here with you. We'll get through this thing together ( calm voice now, because I'm playing "good cop" and therefore letting him know I can be reasonable. The choice is hiw which he gets from here on out ). Have you been able to go back and see where and how I do not owe you anything? Do you see my dilemma now?
Tommy ~ Yes sir, I see the history of the account now. It's currently billed 29 dollars for the membership fees and because you chose not to pay it, there has been a late fee added on.
WRONG FUCKING WORDS, ASSHOLE!
Me ~ TOMMY! Tommy, is this call being recorded, Tommy? ( still calm). It is? Good. I want this statement recorded. " I do not owe Capital One a GODAMNED thing. I cancelled this back in Novemeber of 2006. As per YOUR company's intructions, I stopped using the card. Can you see activity on it since last year? No? Good. You know why that is? Because I CANCELLED IT. Now, if you people see fit to un-cancell me, then I will see fit to SUE THE LIVING HELL OUT OF CAPITAL ONE in court. For 41 lousy dollars the amount of bad press you get will be unreal. Not only will I not pay this bill due to YOUR error, I will create so much of a headache for you in the legal system you'd think you were fighting for the baby of Anna Nicole Smith". Did you record all that, Tommy?
Tommy ~ Please hold, sir.
~~~~ Tommy probably goes off and explains to his manager what kind of a loon he has on the line. Probably explains how for 41 dollars I'm freaking out. No doubt, Tommy asks who the hell the baby of Anna Nicole Smith is and has to look it up on the internet and just why Capital One would want to gain custody of the little tyke ~~~~
Tommy ~ Sir?
Me ~ ( very VERY calm voice now. Almost too mellow. As though I'm cleaning a shotgun or perhaps sharpening an axe blade). Yeassss, Tommy?
Tommy ~ Well, sir. I have been assured by my managers that this matter is now resolved and all of the charges have been reversed. If you would be so kind as to destroy the card I'll see to it....
Me ~ The card was destroyed back in Novemeber, Tommy. ( just said that to be a prick. I know the 3 second lag trips him up and he has to re-gather his thoughts with the speech his manager's told to give)
Tommy ~ Uh....huh? Oh! Very good sir. Thank you for doing that. Well then, if you just adhere to the guidelines of not using the card I assure you it will all be considered over and clear with no ill effects on your credit rating. Is there anything else I can do for you today?
Me ~ Yes, I want your full name. A number where I can call you DIRECTLY and a confirmation number of this process, Tommy. I trusted you people back in November of oh-six and look where it got me. I'm not going through this again. I swear to you if this is not cleared up by next billing cycle I WILL be getting my lawyer. He loves crap like this.
Tommy ~ Well sir, I uh... me? ( ha ha ha ha. I finally got the guy from another country to be flustered. He was doing good and being professional up until now. Unreachable because he's a tybillion miles away as it were. Now that he knows it's his tit in the ringer he's not so happy about it. None-the-less, he gives me the info anyways)The number here is such and such, my name is so and so. You confirmation number is blah blah blah. Anything else, sir?
Me ~ Nothing further, Tommy. You've been most helpful. I will call back in 15 days to see that this matter is cleared as you say it is. I assume this conversation is still being recorded. "If it is not resolved in 15 days, I will give no further chances or warnings. I will see to it that Capital One spends an ass load of money in legal fees defending against credit fraud and I'm more than certain I will win because this has been a repeat of last time when I talked to you people. I paid well over 12 thousand dollars off in one shot and was thanked for my business. I was confirmed cancelled before and found it to be a lie. I will have no pity or mercy when in litigation with your company and most certainly will bring it to every bit of press I can find while doing it" Hey Tommy...... you have a good day now, ok? Buh-bye.

*click*

There ends ( I hope ) one of the many hours in my past few days since a post, folks. Tons of other things happening... dog has a growth in his mouth. Have to get it taken out. Maybe cancer, maybe not. I hope not. Caddy blew a water pump and uh... what else. I dunno. Tons of other things not worth mentioning. If everything isn't in turmoil around me it isn't normal, I suppose.

Too many thoughts in a jumble

I could be one of those people that if left near a computer during the day that would make a billion posts. I think I'll just try to sum up things going through my head lately as opposed to making a dedicated post about something. If it strikes you, make a comment. I'm sure there'll be something in here for everybody.

Whoopi Goldberg ~ Can you be any more of a douchebag? You UNDERSTAND what Michael Vick did and are actually condoning it? What kind of fucking stupidity is that? This "I'm with him because he's black too" shit has gotta stop, folks. Really. If Vick were white would she have come out on the view and said that we all have to understand his actions were simply a result of his upbringing and said it so calmly? Need I remind you people that he not only bred dogs for the exclusiive purpose of tearing each other apart, but when they didn't perform he hung them from trees or burnt them alive? Hey Whoopi.... FUCK YOU!

Man-Hug revisited ~ It happened again last night with my buddy Charlie. I took a half step back as he was going for it and wen't "that's ok" and the bastard took a half step forward and did the "oh c'mere you" move. I swear somebody keyed him into my post about it and he did it on purpose. Is there no chance of ever getting out of this thing? More research is needed on the evasion tactics, I feel. I'll bring the results to you as they come in.

Stubble Nuts ~ Wow. I see posts on how to make a million dollars doing nothing don't generate a comment. Make one teensy tiny little confession about how you shave your ass and they come out of the woodwork, though. Is that how it has to be around here? You people scare me. Oh well, I guess it's off to see what a proper shave with a razor will make things. From what you women say I'll all have you taking deli numbers for a turn. Who can refuse that? Not me, that's for sure. *sigh* The things I do for comments and prolonged oral. Somebody's gotta do it for chrissakes.

Mouse in the House ~ I'm officially on the hunt. It's getting cool and I live on a lake. What does that mean? It means that all the little hoppies and crawlies want to make my home thiers for a winter nap. Not so fast you little rat bastards. I'm ready for your asses this year. I went out and bought no less than 40 dollars of exotic means to either deter/erradicate/kill/maim your rodent asses. I'm gonna go full on terminator because I don't want you scratching under the house or in my walls anymore. I do promise you this though. In my purchases I bought a have-a-heart mouse trap. It catches and doesn't kill. If I catch one of the little fuckers I'll name him after a post-er here and keep him in a cage as a pet. How I'll ever explain to anybody that I have mice with the names like "That cantaloupe fucking Captain" or some such, I'll never know. I give you my word that I'll do it, however. Maybe we can have a contest about it all. Of course, I have to catch one of the little fuckers first. That's the tricky part.

The Dream Interview ~ Another great idea by yours truly. I think I'm gonna ( or rather I want to ) do some posts calld "20 Questions With....". Maybe I'll even start with Lozo seeing as how it's his blog that inspired me to do this crap. More than likely he'll tell me to fuck off or something but who knows. 20 GOOD questions, though. None of this A/S/L crap. Dave, if you are reading this gimme a nod if you think it'd be ok to shoot you an e-mail where you answer 20 random questions and then I can post it here. If not, then maybe I'll move onto one of you other fine folks. Personally, I think it'd be neat to have a little blogebrity type interview somewhere. Maybe we'll all learn something new about an individual or get introduced to a new blog we've never seen before because of it. I assure you.... however they write the replies, I will post them verbatim. No funny business going on. Thoughts?

That's about it. No slick pics or vids because I'm a little crunched for time. Like I said, no real one thought in particular to make a post. Just mentally upchucking a few things in your general direction is all. Excuse me now whilst I go research what type of razor is exactly the best to shave your balls with. Be good, fuckers. And if you can't, e-mail me the pics. ;)

Manscaping 101

Anybody remember that Seinfeld episode where Jerry gets a little happy with the trimming shears? Then he winds up completely trimming his chest hair off because he can't get it all even? I feel his pain now. No no.... I didn't shave it all off but lemme tell ya's something, I came close this weekend. REALLY close.

It's a holiday weekend and I'm sitting here bored. Hey, you know what? I should really take advantage of the time and do a little manscaping. Yeah, that's the stuff! *runs upstairs and gets the new clippers out*. Of course, I should tell you ladies that ALL men trim somehow, somewhere at sometime. It's just how it is. We're hairy baboons with very few table manners. Every so often we do a little maintenance ourselves, you know. So anyways, I get out the new trimmers. I threw the old ones away because they were old and dull. *Sniff* Ahhhhh. Fresh out of the box scent like a brand new G.I. Joe action figure on Christmas Morning.

Side note ; Is there anything better than the scent of a "new" something? I submit that there is not. New car, new toy, new clothes, etc. I totally dig why chicks get this natural high from shopping. I'm wise enough to know I don't buy any damn thing I want, but still. The moment you walk into a store and everything has that fresh "buy me" smell. It's a good thing but dangerous at the same time. Maybe this is why I hardly buy anything new. I'd probably turn into some sort of shopping whore if I ever won the lottery. My purchases would be cars and suits but what the hell. I could get into it I suppose.

At any rate, there I am standing naked like some fat bloated warthog with my new razor. "Hmmm, this one's different from Old Clippy" I think to myself. Let's try it on this setting. Buzzzzzzzzzzz. OK, there's a bit off there. Maybe a new attachment. This one's too long. Buzzzzzzzzz. That seems about right. Damn the torpedoes and full steam ahead Mr. Christian! ( even the casual reader to this blog will note that this is where something horrible is about to go wrong because yes, I am my own worst enemy). I wonder when the next time I'll be able to do this is? Probably a long time. I better do everywhere. Yeah, good thought. I'm a damn genius! BuzzzZzZZzZZzZ....arms.....buzzzzzzzz...chest........buzzzzzzz...... EVERYWHERE.... buZzZzZZzZzZz. Hey hey! Lookit all that hair. I must have been OH MY FUCKING GODDDDDDDD! I wasn't extra hairy *insert B-movie ghoulie movie scream effect here* I ....I..... I took it all off! Zoinks!

Well after I woke up after fainting to the floor and picked all the hair clippings off my tongue, I came to my senses. It seems as though perhaps I didn't shave it all right down completely. You have to understand, though. When you take off your t-shirt and somebody asks why you put on a sweater, anything gone is a lot. You combine that with a new electric razor that has a setting somewhere between 70's afro puff and marine crew cut and well, you get what I got.

Old Clippy was the best. I knew that razor and had no problems. This new one? Jebus, I dunno. First of all the blade is really sharp. Once it moves it's gonna clip down whatever it sees. Secondly, Old Clippy had "the" magic setting. This one is either 1/2 past old clippy or 1/2 below. I chose the below and now I have 5 o'clock shadow on my chest arms and ass. What was the next logical step? Powder! A-HA! I'll not chaff and just foomf on some talcum and be all set. *foomf*foomf*foomf* Niiiiiiiiiiiice. Well now, this isn't too terrible.

You'd think that would be the end of our hero's saga. I'm sad to say it's only the beginning. You see. One has to put clothes back on after this ordeal. At first it was fine because the skin was overly sensitive. It's sort of like walking around with a desensitizing suit and then you get to take it off. All strange and new. Quite different and exciting. Sort of like watching a new George Clooney movie and it doesn't have "Ocean's" in the title. Totally rad, right? Wrong! The powder wore off and now my asshole is grabbing at my underpants. My armpits are getting chaffed because the chest hair that used to be there holding the shirt at bay from movement is now gone. Oh, my ass and balls? We're not even gonna go there as to how things are moving around and tugging right now. We're just not but I'm sure the boys here know the term "bat wings" and what it is. Ladies, you DO NOT want to hear it from me. Trust me on that. Go ask the man in your life what bat wings down his pants are and he'll get a sour look on his face that tells it all. Not good.

You know what? Unlike the "My Balls Are on Fire" post, this one has to be dealt with for weeks to come now. Hair just doesn't magically grow back over night you know. I'll have to be vigilant with the care of my boys and powder frequently. The shirts will have to be extra loose. Lord knows what kind of underpants I'll have to wear. I can't go commando. Stubble against denim? Are you effing serious? It's gonna be a nightmare. It looks like I'm smuggling a newborn baby Sharpei puppy in my crotch right now and all's I can do is wait it out. *sigh* This is gonna be a bad few weeks. I can see this one a mile down the road. Any tips?

Youtube video of the day : If ANYBODY out there loved the movie Highlander as well as ADORES Robot Chicken yet LOATHES teen angst stars like Hillary Duff.... this one is for you. 4 minutes of bliss coming your way in 3.....2......1......