Hey, how about a post.

See? I told you I don't have the every day where-with-all to keep a decent blog together. Not that anybody comes on here and looks at this crap anyways. But hey, whatever. I'll verbally puke up a nice pretty hairball for my 1 1/2 readers now I guess.

Lemme see.... I'm gonna try to wrap up the whole last however long I've been gone into something cute here. I guess I'll just go into how I'm an observationalist because I watch people so much. Of course mind you, I have one inane gift. Ok, maybe two gifts ( orally pleasing women is a given so of course I have to have 2 official gifts in life donch'a know). My gift is sizing somebody up in 30 seconds or less. I don't know what good that does me or how I can make money off of it but it's there. By the way, if anybody can tell me how to make money off of something like this I'd be eternally thankful and even cut you in for a slice. Salesman maybe? Nah. Supreme ruler of everything? OK, maybe I'll go for that.

Anyways....... I'm the official neutral person wherever I go. I have two best friends who find it painfully terrible just to be sociable to each other and it's because they are polar opposites. Why do I tell you this? Because it leads me to explain why I'm such an observationalist. NOBODY gives second thought to the guy ( or gal ) who's common ground. Nothing good or bad to say. Nothing terribly one sided or another. This person gets to just sit back and watch, though. What do I get to see? Hoo boy, lemme tell you. I see lots. I read body language and listen more than I talk. This allows me to be privy to information about humanity. Again, I have NO clue how this will make me money but I'm willing to listen to your advice on my new career path about the whole thing.

Gotta see what's going on-guy : OK, this guy can often be found in a traffic jam getting out of his car and starting the whole thing off by standing on the floor of his car peering down the road looking for some explanation why he isn't moving. Next he closes the car door and marches his ass down in the direction of the stoppage to get a grip on what's going on. On the way back to the car he has no issues telling everybody what is going on. It doesn't matter if it's true or not. He's the guy that had the moxy enough to take the situation by the throat and stick his big fat head in there somehow. These are also "self important" people. You know the type... in on your conversation with an "Oh, yeah but... you know what happened to me?" and so forth. If it was a woman, she'd be a busy body. Just because it's a guy though... he's now known as "Gotta see what's going on-guy". Annoying in either male or female form. Avoid this one if you have a headache and you don't want it getting any worse. Don't say I didn't warn you. Otherwise harmless and not providing any real function to the circle of life as we know it.

I'm more important that you-woman : Why do I put female gender on this one? because it seems most often than not it's a female doing this to me. I stand in line and turn my head ( NOT my body mind you) to see something and there she is standing in front of me. Was she behind me a second ago? Yep! Does she care that she just cut in line? Of course not. She has things to do, places to be, conquests to make. She can often be found yapping on her cell phone. NOT to be confused with a soccer mom but boy oh boy this is probably the training ground for them. You hold the door for them ( as my momma taught me to do as a young lad for women) and they just walk right through as though you owe it to them. You say rather loudly "You're welcome" and it doesn't even phase them that they didn't say thank you as a decent human being *should*. Unless you really have something important to do or somewhere to go, they are also harmless. Make no mistake, though. WE all owe them something in life and they'll be damn sure you'll give it to them or else!

I have money and I'm going to show it off- woman : Again. I feel it necessary to point out it's more the females I've seen do this. Sure, men do it lots as well but not so much. You can often find this woman with enough jewelry to choke a horse and she doesn't mind flaunting it and making you feel bad. This type of person will take I'm more important than you-woman and have a cat fight with her if they crossed paths. Nothing verbal directly to each other, mind you. Just a lot of "tsk's" and comments to anybody that will hear how rude the other is. The younger they are the worse they are. I've seen daddy's little girls actually stamp their feet when they didn't get their way. No, I mean it. literally stamping the foot as each word was spoken as though it gets them further along in the point of the conversation. Call it an adult hissy fit if you will. The male of this species will be "alpha male-esque" with another male or overly domineering with a sexual undertone to another female. These people create HUGE issues and are far from harmless. Once they get it into their heads they don't like you, others like them in seats of actual power can and will make your life a living hell. Avoid these types of people at all costs. The men have money. The females more often than not have men that have money. Where can you find them mostly? Ironically enough in Wal-Mart and K-Mart shopping for things that look flashy and more expensive than they really are. Silly, huh?

I have money and nothing to prove-guy : This is a RAREEEE breed of human. I've seen no more than three males and only one ever female of this breed. Why only one female? Because women are catty bitches and always have something to prove. Men just don't do that. You can often see the male dressed down wherever he goes. Painfully so. Everybody else is wearing slacks and dress shoes/shirts. This guy has jeans with a crease in them and a golf shirt and docksiders ALL the damn time. How does he differentiate himself from the common man? He's usually got an ass-expensive Rolex on his wrist. Of course, he NEVER looks at it. That would be acknowledging his wealth. He has it, but he doesn't need it. Flashy car? Nope. Sensible car. His flash is in his bank account and the more he visualizes himself in a crowd as "I don't care" the better he feels you know he's above and wayyyyyy beyond you. Can these guys do harm? MUCH more than anything you know. Will they? Nope... that would just be wrong. Remember, they're above all that nonsense. Besides, it requires energy. Something this crew is not apt to spend on you or anything else truth be known. Very slack people.

I'm 17 and know everything girl : Most of you would say this is any teenager. I digress. Most often it is but this girl has special qualities. These are where I'm more important than you-women start. Talky little bitches that have an opinion about every God damned thing in the world and it's the right one, you bastards! Sure, they only know their facts from overheard conversations heard third hand but they're going with it. When it's the male of the species they eventually give up and just turn all "Emo" on you. Not the female, though. She will claw and scratch you until her dying last breathe until you see it her way otherwise you're a total ass-face. If they have hippie tendencies, they are UBER protesters. If they have political tendencies, they go to college and become devout Democrats but only because they heard somewhere it was cool and the right thing to do. They know nothing of where the light comes from when they flick the switch. They know food is in the refrigerator when they open the door. Therefore, they are an authority on everything. Never... I repeat NEVER ask this human what their thoughts are on something. No matter what yours are you are wrong and you need to be corrected. Again, harmless but head splittingly painful if you get caught by one of them. They hang out in malls and trendy stores mostly. Avoid them like the plague. Damn annoying little twats.

Big man on campus-guy : I should warn you all that the title is mis-leading. This breed need not be in college. Quite often it's just a social gathering. He HAS to be the center of attention, though. It's not about money. It's not about power or prestige. It's all about fame and charisma. If his head stone read "Damn, what a blast to be around" he'd be in the coffin smiling. This breed is NOT to be confused with somebody that has that "look at me, I'm important" syndrome like I know everything girl up there. Not by a long shot. This is the guy that will jump off the roof into a kiddie pool just to have everybody tell him what a crazy bastard he is. I wouldn't call it attention whore so much as I would call it an insecurity issue. If he were a puppy he'd scratch at the door and whine whenever master left because he's afraid of being left alone. Separation anxiety, maybe? Whatever the case this breed is dangerous. Hanging with him will land you in jail. More than likely for something stupid like lighting your farts on fire in the middle of the movie theater kinda deal. Avoid but only after an hour or so. Until then they're harmless and actually kinda funny. After that the crazy ideas start brewing and before you know it somebody has a cheese grater stuck against their balls for some reason. Where can you find this one? Go to a kegger. ANY kegger. I dare you not to find one. When two are there it's hella fun watching them compete for a while.

Beautifully painful girl : Let me tell you that this chick has issues. ANY life is better than her own. It just has to be. She spends her days longing for good weather so she can go dress up as some old England renaissance wench. When the weather is rainy, she is at her best writing poetry. Tim Burton movies are made for this girl/woman. I say could be a woman because these type never find happiness and they grow old with it. Goth/Emo/Larper... all the same. It's just one big sigh in life. Why they had to be born "Sara Smith" and not "Annergoth, raven of the mysts" is beyond her. She works in record stores in the mall or possibly at Blockbuster. Why? Because she spends all of her time listening to music and watching movies alone. Only the Emo/Goth/Larper boy will ever fully understand her. Even then it's only enough to get where she's coming from, but never fully know what lays beneath the surface. If only I could be an actual Vampiress in old Victorian times, I'd be truly happy. You see where I'm going? Is she dangerous? No, as long as you like cutting and looking up to the Columbine kids as simply "misunderstood". Yeesh... this type will at best make you feel like life is an accident and has no meaning. Stay away from these ones for any length of time. Totally buzz-kills.

Folks, I could go on and on for hours about all different people. I really could. But I think I made my point. I can spot these ( and many more ) types of people in 30 seconds or less. Dunno why it is. They all find common ground with me though for some reason or another. I can talk to any one of them about anything they wish and they'll walk away from it feeling understood. Of course, I can piss any one of them off in under 3 minutes as well. I just know my way around people is all. Can my gift be painting or sculpting? Nope. What about picking lucky numbers or winning at blackjack? Guess again. My gift is spotting people and dealing with them on their level if that makes any sense. Call me the great communicator, if you will. I'm just as confused by the whole thing as you are reading it. Whats it worth? probably nothing but a blog post. But hey.... I owed ya *something* to read, now didn't I? ;)

Be good, fuckers.

My penis, my friend.

First of all, happy 7-7-07 for no good reason. I really don't believe in the whole karma thing but frug it. Happy whatever day it is for no good reason.

Ok... as you all well know, I don't post regularly. It's not like I'm not near a computer every day. I just don't see it necessary to bore you all with every nuance and detail about my everyday goings on in life. I'm pretty sure I could put three really good posts a day together and maybe one will entertain you to no end. I'm pretty sure if I put effort into this I can link pictures and youtube videos and make this all slick as well. Do you need to hear about my revelations dealing with fat free sugar free ice cream? I don't think so. You need me to link a video that you've no doubt seen a hundred times for a chuckle? Nope, we don't need no stinkin' video's here either. Why don't I put in the time or effort into any of this, you ask? Let me introduce you to somebody near and dear to my heart.

My Penis.

You heard me right. Men will no doubt understand what I'm talking about here. Women will be mystified and no doubt have images of me typing with one hand on my penis. *takes hand off penis*. Ok, maybe you're right but I tell you what, my penis is my best friend. This will be a tough concept to understand for you women folk, but the penis is man's best friend ever ever EVER in his whole life. A man will die for the honor of another. Go ahead and ask him to cut off his penis and live though. See? We just won't do it. Women have about 30 best friends in their life from beginning to end. A guy has one or possibly two. The first one being his penis. Let me show you for a moment how the penis process works for us and perhaps you can understand.

me : Wow, this looks like a good car and priced with value in mind.
penis : is there a possibility of us getting laid with it?
me : I dunno. Possibly.
penis : We must buy this car then.

See how it works? We pass EVERYTHING by our penis for judgement. Purchases. Outings. Vacations. Getting coffee. You name it. You think I'm kidding? Take another look...

me : Let me just pop on the computer here and have a look at some work related issues.
penis : Uhm... what are you doing?
me: I'm going to look at some things dealing with work. Maybe post a blog about the fat chick I saw ordering fat free sugar free ice cream today with a grocery bag full of twinkies and then...
penis : Whoa whoa whoaaaaaa.... you know there's free porn a click or two away, right? We need to see some porn. Here, let me do the clicking for you.
me : but I have things to do and I'm gonna be late for the....
penis : Look. Do you wanna see Halle Berry's tits and maybe download some pirated music or not?
me : I've already seen the tits and have gigs worth of music.
penis : Have you seen Phoebe Cate's tits recently? You know we love Fast Times at Ridgemont High.
me : OK, ya got me. I'm a sucker for tits from a teen angst comedy during my puberty years.
** 3 hours pass by and much clicking ***
me : ha ha ha ha ha ha..... is that a 2 foot dildo glued to him or his penis? I can't tell. Click and see if we can find a different angle on the whole thing.
penis : I own you.

You see how it all works now, folks? I start going to ebay to look for a part I need or a chemical coating site for new methods in my industry. Before I know it I'm spending hours on the Internet typing porn bloopers into Google search engines. I'll be damned if I know exactly how it gets to that, but it gets there. At least you know why I don't blog every day. It's not that I don't have a myriad of interesting stories to tell you. I guess I just get sidetracked is all. The guys reading will understand. The ladies will no doubt look at me strangely and shake their heads.

Now if you'll all excuse me. I feel the need to do a search for "Cheerleaders who crave sex from 30-something fat hairy guys". Wish me luck.

HELP! My balls are on fire!!!!

Hey, let me ask you all a question. How often do you hear the above phrase "Help! My balls are on fire!!!!", hummm? Probably not very often. As a matter of fact, I can only think of a very few instances where you actually would hear it spoken.

Instance one : A man actually has his balls on fire. Pretty self explanatory,yes? I'm guessing a strange propane grill accident of some sort.

Instance two : A group of young men ( more than likely fraternity hazing age) are in a group and madcap hilarity ensues for comedic effect.

Instance three : A male alone, usually doing something stupid that he doesn't figure would make his balls feel as though they were one fire.

OK. Pop quiz time. Which one of the above would you put as me saying? Here's a hint. I didn't grill lately and I don't belong to a fraternity. Can ya guess? Can ya? Time's up. Instance three was the winner.

Allrighty, let me lay it all out for you. We'll label this one under "men do stupid things sometimes". You ladies should love this. Don't think you won't get a little of the blame on this one though. Your brood isn't totally without fault here. I, like most men, can attribute most of my unlikely series of circumstances to some woman somewhere whether she planned it to be that way or not.

So here I was in the shower this weekend. I'm staring at this shower caddy FULL of woman only type products. There's your standard loofa and assorted kiwi-lime bliss explosion soaps and such. *sniff*sniff* Hmmmm.... I'm smelling particularly gamey this afternoon. Let's pamper our self with something off the shelf of wonderment, shall we? Oh? This looks nice. *wipes soap from eyes* something about scrubbing and exfoliating. What the hell. I'll give the pits and boys a good scrub and smell fresh as a daisy, ya? ( This is where you will take mental note where I should read better in the shower). Lemme see here... a nice handful from this little tube thing. OoooOoo... it's kinda tingly. *rubs briskly*. Heyyyyyy, that's nice stuff. Oh my, getting a little warm too! Where the hell have I been with just my bar of soap and single bottle of shampoo? These women have it kinda niiiiiiiice. I should probably check out the HELP! HELP! GODAMNIT!!!!! My Godamned balls are on fire!!!!!! HELPPPPPPPP!. *grabs shower head and positions himself awkwardly to rinse off as best he can*. Jesus holy hell owwwwww. Quick. Must-stop-burn-now-argggghhhh. *grabs something that says peppermint*. AhhhHhhHHhHHh..... holy Christ that was a HELP! HELP! HELP! My balls are in liquid nitrogen!!!!! GAHHHHHHHH! *rinses off again awkwardly*

Folks, you have NO idea what kind of trauma I put my boys through in a very short time in that shower. I couldn't believe what the hell happened. Upon reflection my first mistake was not reading (ya think?). The first small bottle I grabbed was Nutrogena warming facial apricot scrub. One would think it was just some sort of soap but noooooooo. Warming in this case, obviously means slamming your nuts onto a hot campfire rock and letting them sizzle until burnt. How you women put this on your faces I'll never know. The second mistake was grabbing the peppermint exfoliating foot scrub. I'm thinking double mint stick of peppermint and what actually took place was empty your home air conditioner of all it's freon and sitting your crotch in it. To make it worse it had this ungodly grit in it that I can only describe to the fellow men reading this as those pumice rocks you find in lava bar soap only some evil troll got the bright idea of making them sharper somehow.

For the men out there. I'm not talking the kind of "nut experience" you get when you foomf a little gold bond powder on your boys and enjoy the day with a tingle. I'm talking full metal jacket Private Joker going apeshit in the bathroom stall terror. I'm like most of you. I'll go a little loopy when I hear I can get a tingle on the jewels and try something different. THIS was something way the fuck over on the left side of different,though. DO NOT ever grab that lady exfoliating tingle crap and try it EVER in your life. Ya hear me? I took one for the team here BIG TIME and can tell you first hand it's not worth the trip. Stick with the bar of soap or maybe the body wash in the shower.

Ladies. How in the HELL do you even necessitate not putting those hazmat warning labels on things when you know we're gonna be in the same shower as you. I blame you for this one because you know damn well we're stupid. Soap is in the eyes. Steam everywhere and one of us is mistakenly going to grab this shit and you all know it. Sadistic little tarts that you all are. I can hear the cackles from here so knock it off already. One comment from any of you and you can forget the little topiary garden we'd shave on you to keep things trim and tidy. I'll personally grab a leg and shear you like a damn sheep if you don't take some of the blame on this one. Admittedly it was stupid but you also have to admit these things don't belong where we can reach them.

Goddamn, that was hot. Excuse me whilst I go lay my sack over a Popsicle or something.