HELP! My balls are on fire!!!!

Hey, let me ask you all a question. How often do you hear the above phrase "Help! My balls are on fire!!!!", hummm? Probably not very often. As a matter of fact, I can only think of a very few instances where you actually would hear it spoken.

Instance one : A man actually has his balls on fire. Pretty self explanatory,yes? I'm guessing a strange propane grill accident of some sort.

Instance two : A group of young men ( more than likely fraternity hazing age) are in a group and madcap hilarity ensues for comedic effect.

Instance three : A male alone, usually doing something stupid that he doesn't figure would make his balls feel as though they were one fire.

OK. Pop quiz time. Which one of the above would you put as me saying? Here's a hint. I didn't grill lately and I don't belong to a fraternity. Can ya guess? Can ya? Time's up. Instance three was the winner.

Allrighty, let me lay it all out for you. We'll label this one under "men do stupid things sometimes". You ladies should love this. Don't think you won't get a little of the blame on this one though. Your brood isn't totally without fault here. I, like most men, can attribute most of my unlikely series of circumstances to some woman somewhere whether she planned it to be that way or not.

So here I was in the shower this weekend. I'm staring at this shower caddy FULL of woman only type products. There's your standard loofa and assorted kiwi-lime bliss explosion soaps and such. *sniff*sniff* Hmmmm.... I'm smelling particularly gamey this afternoon. Let's pamper our self with something off the shelf of wonderment, shall we? Oh? This looks nice. *wipes soap from eyes* something about scrubbing and exfoliating. What the hell. I'll give the pits and boys a good scrub and smell fresh as a daisy, ya? ( This is where you will take mental note where I should read better in the shower). Lemme see here... a nice handful from this little tube thing. OoooOoo... it's kinda tingly. *rubs briskly*. Heyyyyyy, that's nice stuff. Oh my, getting a little warm too! Where the hell have I been with just my bar of soap and single bottle of shampoo? These women have it kinda niiiiiiiice. I should probably check out the HELP! HELP! GODAMNIT!!!!! My Godamned balls are on fire!!!!!! HELPPPPPPPP!. *grabs shower head and positions himself awkwardly to rinse off as best he can*. Jesus holy hell owwwwww. Quick. Must-stop-burn-now-argggghhhh. *grabs something that says peppermint*. AhhhHhhHHhHHh..... holy Christ that was a HELP! HELP! HELP! My balls are in liquid nitrogen!!!!! GAHHHHHHHH! *rinses off again awkwardly*

Folks, you have NO idea what kind of trauma I put my boys through in a very short time in that shower. I couldn't believe what the hell happened. Upon reflection my first mistake was not reading (ya think?). The first small bottle I grabbed was Nutrogena warming facial apricot scrub. One would think it was just some sort of soap but noooooooo. Warming in this case, obviously means slamming your nuts onto a hot campfire rock and letting them sizzle until burnt. How you women put this on your faces I'll never know. The second mistake was grabbing the peppermint exfoliating foot scrub. I'm thinking double mint stick of peppermint and what actually took place was empty your home air conditioner of all it's freon and sitting your crotch in it. To make it worse it had this ungodly grit in it that I can only describe to the fellow men reading this as those pumice rocks you find in lava bar soap only some evil troll got the bright idea of making them sharper somehow.

For the men out there. I'm not talking the kind of "nut experience" you get when you foomf a little gold bond powder on your boys and enjoy the day with a tingle. I'm talking full metal jacket Private Joker going apeshit in the bathroom stall terror. I'm like most of you. I'll go a little loopy when I hear I can get a tingle on the jewels and try something different. THIS was something way the fuck over on the left side of different,though. DO NOT ever grab that lady exfoliating tingle crap and try it EVER in your life. Ya hear me? I took one for the team here BIG TIME and can tell you first hand it's not worth the trip. Stick with the bar of soap or maybe the body wash in the shower.

Ladies. How in the HELL do you even necessitate not putting those hazmat warning labels on things when you know we're gonna be in the same shower as you. I blame you for this one because you know damn well we're stupid. Soap is in the eyes. Steam everywhere and one of us is mistakenly going to grab this shit and you all know it. Sadistic little tarts that you all are. I can hear the cackles from here so knock it off already. One comment from any of you and you can forget the little topiary garden we'd shave on you to keep things trim and tidy. I'll personally grab a leg and shear you like a damn sheep if you don't take some of the blame on this one. Admittedly it was stupid but you also have to admit these things don't belong where we can reach them.

Goddamn, that was hot. Excuse me whilst I go lay my sack over a Popsicle or something.