I havn't a clue how to make it so the video thingy appears instead fo a link. I tried and I tried. I guess I'm just a dumb poopy head or something. You'll all just have to exert pressure on your forefinger on a link and gimme a pass on this one.
ok, THIS LINK is THE BALLS if you grew up a male in the 70's and 80's. It's just a parody of Star Wars done by dome pretty funny guys is all. I don't know why, but it cracks me the fuck up something terrible, though. If you're a fan of the movies or remember them and want to have a snicker, click the link. 6 lousy minutes never tasted so good.
Here's another youtube video. It's one of those "almost was great" bands from the 80's. I'm talking about Steelheart. Remind me to make a post to initiate you on the tragedy of Steelheart and how they met up with fate one night. Anyways.... Mili "Mike" Matijevik and Steelheart never fully reclaimed their throne as 80's badasses. Such a pity. Here they are a few years ago doing an acoustic of Electric Chair. Mili, if you're reading this post I give you and your voice mad respect my friend. Have your peeps get in touch with me and I'll hire you out a gig when you come to this area. I only have one request. You play the song linked to just now because it's more awesome than 2 hookers and an 8-ball of coke. That's a Cunning Linguist seal of approval right there my friend. For all the female readoers... yeah yeah yeah. I read all the "he's hottttttttt" posts already. No need to duplicate it here.
Finally..... we have this video that proves I'm not the only one on the planet that hates soccer moms from hell. This poor guy gets hit ( not hard, but still hit) and the PIG driving doesn't even bat a fake eyelash out of place. Soccer moms everywhere. This is why people hate you.
peace out, fuckers.
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
Thursday, August 23, 2007
The half hug ~ half handshake
Yeah yeah... I know I haven't posted in a while. Shut the fuck up and deal. I was on vacation. Hopefully the gratuitous tit shot above will make the anger subside. Anyways.....
Can somebody please explain to me how the fuck this thing came into existence? I gotta tell you folks something. I really can't stand people touching me*. This goes for family and friends alike. I'm not even going into people I don't know here. Well, that is of course unless you're a hot chick that wants sex. Then it's all good. Nope. I'm talking about the "guy" touching thing that has to be stopped. I was usually O.K. with the handshake thing. Hell, do the double-hand-clasp handshake thing and I'm still fine with it. That's where I draw the line, though.
I first noticed it from my lifelong buddy Charlie. Maybe last year or so when I say g'bye he starts with this whole "Hey buddy, it was good seeing you again" thing. Right as I'm giving the 'ol perfunctory handshake deal he leans in for that half hug-handshake deal and I gotta do it too. It kinda freaked me out because if anybody knows I hate being touched it's him. ( shut up. No, YOU'RE the homo. ) Hell, I don't even let my own kid climb on me for a piggy back ride. It usually goes something like this ~ "OK, OK... that's enough. Gotta get off now. I'm uh... I'm old and you're gonna break me". So anyhoo, Charlie does this weird move that I have to comply with and now it's stuck. What the fuck is up with that? For those of you that don't know what I'm talking about, it sorta goes like this. You grab the hand with a firm grip and give it the good old fashioned "1-shake". Then you bring the elbow in to your side and the other buddy does the same. As that happens, you both lean in for a firm slap on the back guy style. Usually if it's a really good old friend that you haven't seen in forever, you give UP TO three slaps on the back with your left hand, but no more. It's a total guy gesture that supposedly emotes friendship and acceptance but I don't see it that way. It just freaks me out is all. Why do I tell you this?
So here I am at my sister's 40th surprise birthday party. We all had a good time and the food was decent I guess. At the end of the night I'm saying my goodbye's because I have a crazy long drive in front of me. Out of nowhere my father comes up and says g'nite. Get this! He does the half hug/ half handshake thing to me! WTF!?!?!? I get stuck somewhere in the middle of "OK pop" and "I dunno... I really don't know you that well, do I?" I gotta do it. What kind of an ass would I be if I refused it? Huge probably. I mean, the guy is ex-airborne ranger and retired Teamster trucker. The half hug thing is not something that he does. Do I now read too much into it now and think he's got some sort of incurable disease? The whole thing totally throws me.
Let me explain for those of you that think I have intimacy issues. I really don't. It's just that my particular brand of showing affection lays somewhere between "let me buy you something" and a polite wave. Where's Vickie in all of this? She can tell you I'm a pretty sensitive motherfucker. I just DO NOT like the whole touch me thing about humanity is all. Who dreamed up this whole godamned guy-hug thing anyways? Do I need to be more in touch with my vulnerable side or something? I don't think so to be honest with you. I tell you what ( for those that I've never met or those that I don't do this with). We'll see each other face to face for 5 minutes and then when we have to part ways I'll just do it to you out of nowhere. See how awkward that will be? Do you pull a Seinfeld and just "nahhhh, I don't think so" and refuse it? You just can't! That's my point. You're just drawn into this thing with no possible way out and it's all weird if you're not expecting it.
Lemme tell ya's something. The next time it happens I'm gonna refuse it and see what happens. I don't care who it's from. I just need to see the results of what happens. For all I know I could possibly be the first guy in all of humanity who's attempted the guy-hug brush off for all I know. It could go horribly wrong. Maybe not. I know this crap has to be stopped, though. What's next? Walking down the street hand in hand wryly looking at a fresh baked baguette like some French bisexual indie film couple? The thought makes me wanna puke.
By the way. THIS GUY is a must see ( for my fellow male friends out there ). He's my new hero. I simply must move to NYC now and get a video camera.
*this does not include wanna be hooter waitresses who like to give oral pleasure.
Monday, August 13, 2007
Ragu Soccer Mom Lunacy
Ok, so I'm shopping at my local grocery store the other day and what do I see. A jar of Ragu pasta sauce with this on the top. "Ragu Soccer mom shortcuts" Open for nutritious easy-to-prepare meals & snacks.
Now. You all know my unbridled hatred for soccer moms and their ilk. If you don't, then go to some of my first ever posts and you'll see how I loathe them. This though... I couldn't pass this one up. I just had to buy the jar of stupid sauce to see what the deal is. Why? The same reason men have to look at Vogue or Vanity Fair. I need the inside scoop as to what's going on in the world with these evil little trolls. Call it knowing thy enemy if you will.
Anyways.... let's open this little pamphlet type diatribe and see what has to be said, shall we?
We hear you, soccer moms! Between your work and homework, play dates and practices it's not always easy to give your kids the good nutrition they need. Ok, hold the fuck up right there. What mystical uber-mom is Ragu targeting here? Work AND homework. Play dates AND practices. It's like every soccer mom has gotten to the stature of Wonder Woman for chrissakes. All that AND a mother as well? You've gotta be kidding me. How do these little trolls find the time to do it? All of the soccer moms I've ever seen are lazy good for nothing yip-yaps who could use a swift kick in the ass. ( Again, read my previous posting on exactly what type of soccer mom I'm referring to here. I'm not talking the 30's something here.)
That's where Ragu comes in. With a few jars at home and some other ingredients, you've got all the fixings for a full playbook of simple ways to feed your family right. In fact, Ragu Pasta Sauce is and always has been all-natural with no additives or preservatives. And every 1/2 cup of Ragu delivers a much needed serving of veggies! Does anybody note the Satanic advertising gimmick going on here? First of all you have to buy a few jars of this ass flavored sauce. Next, it'll be so damned easy to whip something up with everyday ingredients you'd be a horse's ass not to be able to succeed. Did anybody even notice where Ragu implied kids weren't eating correctly with the ever taxed help of the soccer mom? "Much needed serving of veggies". See that? Without Ragu soccer moms everywhere have been failing miserably. Lastly, it WILL BE nutritious. Keep that in mind because I'm about to go into overdrive at some of their ideas here.
Kids Dig Dipping! There's something about dips that turns ordinary snacks or sandwiches into a special treat. Even better when that dip contains full servings of veggies. So, for a change from cold ketchup, serve a bowl of warm Ragu on the side and let the dipping begin. Again with the fucking veggies. Yeah yeah I get it. Soccer moms only give their kids raw steak and sugary soft drinks for consumption. As much as I hate their kind, I'm beginning to hate Ragu even more now for insinuating that we don't feed our kids properly. And since when do people throw bowls of cold ketchup to dip with on the table? My mom never did that.
Ok, here's some wonderful recipe ideas that they share with you. Are you ready for this? I feel the need to point out and remind you that the keywords of meal, nutritious and they eluded to fun to be had for all. Let's see what they came up with at the Ragu kitchen, shall we?
Dippin' Dogs ~ String cheese in a hot dog bun makes for nutritious dipping fun. Whatttttttttttttttttt!?!?!? Did you just suggest I put a hunk of cheese into a starch wrapping and eat it after I've smeared it in a bowl of spaghetti sauce? Lemme look at that again. They can't have. Yeap. They sure enough did. Bread and cheese. Sort of like a string-cheese dog. You gotta be kidding me. There can't be anything nutritious about that nor can I call that a meal. Let's see what else they suggest.
Grilled Cheese Please ~ Choose your cheese, grill until gooey, then cut into bite-size dipping squares. You're telling me the brain trust at Ragu just came up with something new and it's called a grilled cheese? That can't be right either. It just can't be. If that's true, we've all been stealing the ideas of the mighty Ragu for years and never knew it. My mom made this dish for me as a kid I think. Yeah, I remember it now. Two pieces of bread. Cheese of her choosing. Hell, she even grilled it until gooey and cut it. I had better go tell her to knock it off or Ragu's gonna sue the ever loving shit outta her if they catch wind of this. Everybody stop making this stuff or there's gonna be trouble. Hey, did you all catch how this "meal suggestion" was WAY different from the last one? I mean c'mon. The last one was just bread and cheese. This one is.... well it's um...... Hey wait, isn't this one bread and cheese too? I must be seeing things.
Ragu Fondue ~ Serve cut up veggies, meatballs or turkey, cheese or bread cubes on toothpicks for dipping in heated Ragu Pasta Sauce. Bwaaaaaaa ha ha ha ha ha ha. What is it with these people and bread and cheese? Not to mention did you ever try taking a broccoli stalk that's raw and eating it dipped in warmed up spaghetti sauce? Make me friggin barf! Your kids will most certainly go for it though. Hell, try it with carrots and bell peppers for that fact. By the way... if I'm going to make meatballs, would I just put it on bread with some cheese ( smirk ) and call it a meatball parm? Hey look, Ragu. You just forgot a new invention there guys. Better invent that in the next book.
Speaking of next book. The last page of this handy little leaflet says in big letters.... FREE! Soccer Mom Shortcuts Book. 32 colorful pages packed with simple ways to feed your family right...not to mention ways to pass the time on the sidelines too! Visit www.ragu.com Good while supplies last. Holy hell in a hand basket, batman. They can't be serious. I can get more of these crazy simple yet highly nutritious "meals" from Ragu? I just have to do it now. I'm way beyond the soccer mom hatred at this point. My attention has been diverted solely to Ragu Pasta Sauce and it's wisdom for the time being. That's not saying I don't hate soccer moms with every fiber of my being, because I assure you that I do with a passion. I've just got to go to the website and find out what sort of bullshit this company is doing now. Think about it. Ragu has teamed up with soccer moms now to give their children and even bigger life of hell with this shit. Hey Ragu.... thanks a bunch for doing your part to single handedly latch on to a group of people that don't know their ass from their elbow and making profit from it. You people have got to be the worst I've seen in quite some time. I hope you all get kicked in the nuts with soccer balls now. You deserve it.
As for you, soccer moms. I don't often side with your ilk but I have to give you this advice. DO NOT give your kids fucking string cheese on a hot dog bun and think you did a good job for your child's nutrition. If you fall for it, you deserve to have obese little fat assed good for nothing kids. You can wonder why there's shows like they have where they show you a 200 pound 6th grader all you want. We all know it comes from you selfish little piggy's. Yet another reason to hate you in my book. You have a chance to turn this all around but I doubt you will. Bunch of selfish yip-yap douchebags that you are. I'm just pointing it out is all.
Hey Ragu......... you can suck me too, bitches.
Now. You all know my unbridled hatred for soccer moms and their ilk. If you don't, then go to some of my first ever posts and you'll see how I loathe them. This though... I couldn't pass this one up. I just had to buy the jar of stupid sauce to see what the deal is. Why? The same reason men have to look at Vogue or Vanity Fair. I need the inside scoop as to what's going on in the world with these evil little trolls. Call it knowing thy enemy if you will.
Anyways.... let's open this little pamphlet type diatribe and see what has to be said, shall we?
We hear you, soccer moms! Between your work and homework, play dates and practices it's not always easy to give your kids the good nutrition they need. Ok, hold the fuck up right there. What mystical uber-mom is Ragu targeting here? Work AND homework. Play dates AND practices. It's like every soccer mom has gotten to the stature of Wonder Woman for chrissakes. All that AND a mother as well? You've gotta be kidding me. How do these little trolls find the time to do it? All of the soccer moms I've ever seen are lazy good for nothing yip-yaps who could use a swift kick in the ass. ( Again, read my previous posting on exactly what type of soccer mom I'm referring to here. I'm not talking the 30's something here.)
That's where Ragu comes in. With a few jars at home and some other ingredients, you've got all the fixings for a full playbook of simple ways to feed your family right. In fact, Ragu Pasta Sauce is and always has been all-natural with no additives or preservatives. And every 1/2 cup of Ragu delivers a much needed serving of veggies! Does anybody note the Satanic advertising gimmick going on here? First of all you have to buy a few jars of this ass flavored sauce. Next, it'll be so damned easy to whip something up with everyday ingredients you'd be a horse's ass not to be able to succeed. Did anybody even notice where Ragu implied kids weren't eating correctly with the ever taxed help of the soccer mom? "Much needed serving of veggies". See that? Without Ragu soccer moms everywhere have been failing miserably. Lastly, it WILL BE nutritious. Keep that in mind because I'm about to go into overdrive at some of their ideas here.
Kids Dig Dipping! There's something about dips that turns ordinary snacks or sandwiches into a special treat. Even better when that dip contains full servings of veggies. So, for a change from cold ketchup, serve a bowl of warm Ragu on the side and let the dipping begin. Again with the fucking veggies. Yeah yeah I get it. Soccer moms only give their kids raw steak and sugary soft drinks for consumption. As much as I hate their kind, I'm beginning to hate Ragu even more now for insinuating that we don't feed our kids properly. And since when do people throw bowls of cold ketchup to dip with on the table? My mom never did that.
Ok, here's some wonderful recipe ideas that they share with you. Are you ready for this? I feel the need to point out and remind you that the keywords of meal, nutritious and they eluded to fun to be had for all. Let's see what they came up with at the Ragu kitchen, shall we?
Dippin' Dogs ~ String cheese in a hot dog bun makes for nutritious dipping fun. Whatttttttttttttttttt!?!?!? Did you just suggest I put a hunk of cheese into a starch wrapping and eat it after I've smeared it in a bowl of spaghetti sauce? Lemme look at that again. They can't have. Yeap. They sure enough did. Bread and cheese. Sort of like a string-cheese dog. You gotta be kidding me. There can't be anything nutritious about that nor can I call that a meal. Let's see what else they suggest.
Grilled Cheese Please ~ Choose your cheese, grill until gooey, then cut into bite-size dipping squares. You're telling me the brain trust at Ragu just came up with something new and it's called a grilled cheese? That can't be right either. It just can't be. If that's true, we've all been stealing the ideas of the mighty Ragu for years and never knew it. My mom made this dish for me as a kid I think. Yeah, I remember it now. Two pieces of bread. Cheese of her choosing. Hell, she even grilled it until gooey and cut it. I had better go tell her to knock it off or Ragu's gonna sue the ever loving shit outta her if they catch wind of this. Everybody stop making this stuff or there's gonna be trouble. Hey, did you all catch how this "meal suggestion" was WAY different from the last one? I mean c'mon. The last one was just bread and cheese. This one is.... well it's um...... Hey wait, isn't this one bread and cheese too? I must be seeing things.
Ragu Fondue ~ Serve cut up veggies, meatballs or turkey, cheese or bread cubes on toothpicks for dipping in heated Ragu Pasta Sauce. Bwaaaaaaa ha ha ha ha ha ha. What is it with these people and bread and cheese? Not to mention did you ever try taking a broccoli stalk that's raw and eating it dipped in warmed up spaghetti sauce? Make me friggin barf! Your kids will most certainly go for it though. Hell, try it with carrots and bell peppers for that fact. By the way... if I'm going to make meatballs, would I just put it on bread with some cheese ( smirk ) and call it a meatball parm? Hey look, Ragu. You just forgot a new invention there guys. Better invent that in the next book.
Speaking of next book. The last page of this handy little leaflet says in big letters.... FREE! Soccer Mom Shortcuts Book. 32 colorful pages packed with simple ways to feed your family right...not to mention ways to pass the time on the sidelines too! Visit www.ragu.com Good while supplies last. Holy hell in a hand basket, batman. They can't be serious. I can get more of these crazy simple yet highly nutritious "meals" from Ragu? I just have to do it now. I'm way beyond the soccer mom hatred at this point. My attention has been diverted solely to Ragu Pasta Sauce and it's wisdom for the time being. That's not saying I don't hate soccer moms with every fiber of my being, because I assure you that I do with a passion. I've just got to go to the website and find out what sort of bullshit this company is doing now. Think about it. Ragu has teamed up with soccer moms now to give their children and even bigger life of hell with this shit. Hey Ragu.... thanks a bunch for doing your part to single handedly latch on to a group of people that don't know their ass from their elbow and making profit from it. You people have got to be the worst I've seen in quite some time. I hope you all get kicked in the nuts with soccer balls now. You deserve it.
As for you, soccer moms. I don't often side with your ilk but I have to give you this advice. DO NOT give your kids fucking string cheese on a hot dog bun and think you did a good job for your child's nutrition. If you fall for it, you deserve to have obese little fat assed good for nothing kids. You can wonder why there's shows like they have where they show you a 200 pound 6th grader all you want. We all know it comes from you selfish little piggy's. Yet another reason to hate you in my book. You have a chance to turn this all around but I doubt you will. Bunch of selfish yip-yap douchebags that you are. I'm just pointing it out is all.
Hey Ragu......... you can suck me too, bitches.
Sunday, August 5, 2007
Myspace whores and assholes
OK. I don't have a myspace account anymore and haven't for quite some time now. I took a short perusal there just a little while ago and it's the same old tired crap it's always been. I should preface this whole post saying that if you have one or you like the place, hey great. All the more power to you. I just can't deal with that self serving bullshit anymore. It's all about putting up a picture ( fake or not) and people saying "gosh ur hotttttt" or some garbage like that. Excuse me, I don't need that self important ego boost like little girls do. It's just damn stupidity page after page I tell you. This runs rampant with both the males and females of ALL ages.
The same goes with break.com and the like. Now they have little piss and moan wars about who gets to be on the front page and how it's not fair, etc etc etc. Doesn't anybody have anything better to do with themselves anymore these days? Are we not de-nutted enough to be this touchy feely society these days? Now everywhere I go on the web I have to start paying compliments and stroking immature ego's to soothe the internal spoiled brat within the owner of said page/video?
I bring this all up because I got into a discussion the other day with some people. It seems the "younger" generation is hopping and skipping around the work place environment needing this type of petting. THAT is just sad. I knew this shit would happen too. Now, I don't want to pull the old "in my day" routine because I'm not that old but puh-lease! What ever happened to strong ethics in this country? No wonder people are hating us left and right. NOW do you all see what standing little Timmy in a corner and then coddling him 3 minutes later has done? Look at sad little Suzy over there as well. She hasn't gotten her daily pat on the head and ration of praise. Now we've all created a monster who's in a constant state of PMS.
I want *some* of the good old days back. Enough with this political correct mamby pamby touchy feely crap. If I have to hear "something-American" one more time I'm gonna pitch a fit as well. Get over your race bullshit. You're not an African-American. You're not a Mexican-American. Putting that hyphenated crap before American to the rest of us just demeans your forefathers and makes you "Less-American". You know that don't you? You were born here and this is what you are. You don't catch us trotting our asses all over the place and calling ourselves an "American-African" or an "American-Englishman" do you? Of course not. It'd just be stupid to do such things.
Oh hello. How are you? I see you have an American accent. "Why yes... that's because I'm an American-Australian" you know. Respect my diversity.
See how stupid that is? GUHHHHHH, it makes me sick.
I want All in the Family back. I long for the Archie Bunker days. How about re-making Chico and the Man, Hollywood? Why not, you bring everything else back to life and beat it dead again. Good movies like Animal House maybe. Do you think we could ever get away with another Mel Brooks History of the World type movie again? I should say not. Not only would the people who work on the set have to be given awards just for showing up, the NAACP would have a riot in the streets banning it all over the place.
Lighten up with the PC and ego stroking people. We're not all deserving of "wow, you're hotttttt" and yours truly is at the top of the list. Hell, I'm the leader if that helps put somebody in front of the whole thing. You're also not a something-American. You live here.... you're an American. If you don't live here, then that's all well and good too. I respect that. 'nuff said.
The same goes with break.com and the like. Now they have little piss and moan wars about who gets to be on the front page and how it's not fair, etc etc etc. Doesn't anybody have anything better to do with themselves anymore these days? Are we not de-nutted enough to be this touchy feely society these days? Now everywhere I go on the web I have to start paying compliments and stroking immature ego's to soothe the internal spoiled brat within the owner of said page/video?
I bring this all up because I got into a discussion the other day with some people. It seems the "younger" generation is hopping and skipping around the work place environment needing this type of petting. THAT is just sad. I knew this shit would happen too. Now, I don't want to pull the old "in my day" routine because I'm not that old but puh-lease! What ever happened to strong ethics in this country? No wonder people are hating us left and right. NOW do you all see what standing little Timmy in a corner and then coddling him 3 minutes later has done? Look at sad little Suzy over there as well. She hasn't gotten her daily pat on the head and ration of praise. Now we've all created a monster who's in a constant state of PMS.
I want *some* of the good old days back. Enough with this political correct mamby pamby touchy feely crap. If I have to hear "something-American" one more time I'm gonna pitch a fit as well. Get over your race bullshit. You're not an African-American. You're not a Mexican-American. Putting that hyphenated crap before American to the rest of us just demeans your forefathers and makes you "Less-American". You know that don't you? You were born here and this is what you are. You don't catch us trotting our asses all over the place and calling ourselves an "American-African" or an "American-Englishman" do you? Of course not. It'd just be stupid to do such things.
Oh hello. How are you? I see you have an American accent. "Why yes... that's because I'm an American-Australian" you know. Respect my diversity.
See how stupid that is? GUHHHHHH, it makes me sick.
I want All in the Family back. I long for the Archie Bunker days. How about re-making Chico and the Man, Hollywood? Why not, you bring everything else back to life and beat it dead again. Good movies like Animal House maybe. Do you think we could ever get away with another Mel Brooks History of the World type movie again? I should say not. Not only would the people who work on the set have to be given awards just for showing up, the NAACP would have a riot in the streets banning it all over the place.
Lighten up with the PC and ego stroking people. We're not all deserving of "wow, you're hotttttt" and yours truly is at the top of the list. Hell, I'm the leader if that helps put somebody in front of the whole thing. You're also not a something-American. You live here.... you're an American. If you don't live here, then that's all well and good too. I respect that. 'nuff said.
Wednesday, August 1, 2007
New business ideas for the lazy
Ok, I have some of THE all time best business ideas sometimes. Let me expound on a little gem that I've been dreaming up lately. For the record, if I see ANY of this shit out in the real world I'm gonna want a cut because I said it out here in the open first.
Allrighty. What can ya do when you're too lazy to have a viable skill? Become compliment guy/gal. You heard me. Charge 50 bucks for a 10 minute jaunt into boosting somebodies ego and it'll be the easiest money ever made. This is a double edged sword because you can be ego deflator guy/gal as well. Think of the money you could be raking in with this puppy. Birthdays. Divorces. Hell, celebrate that new dress size you just squeezed your butt into, I dunno. The point of it is that you get a friend who gushes your virtues in front of others for the length of a few minutes and you officially "da man" ( or wo-man if the case may be ) in front of your peers. An example if I may? Sure, why the hell not. Let's just say you're a guy and needs to strut the 'ol peacock feathers around some co-workers at lunch down at the local sandwich-ateria. No problem. Hire one of the compliment guys to walk up to your table and it may go something like this in front of your buddies. For the example, your name is Bob and he's Mark an obvious part time jockey short model.
Mark : Bob? Bob Randolph? I thought that was you, ya old dog you.
You : Heyyyyy, Mark! My old school chum. What's this, twice in the last 3 days I've run into you? Gotta be a co-incidence.
Mark : Yeap, that's right. Last time I bumped into you was at ( insert bar name here). Hey, what ever happened to you the other night? I was talking to you one minute and then the next..... oh wait. You didn't mack on that chick did you? *good hearted chuckling* TELL ME you didn't you bastard! Dammit! I KNEW I shoulda went for that one.
You : Yeah, sorry about that one pally. Had I known.....
Mark : ( to your friends ) You know what this wolfhound does? I'm sitting there trying to hook up with this REALLY hot number and he flies under the radar and snags my dime. Jesus he's a sly one
You : Whoa whoa whoa there, pally. If memory serves you moved away to go check out the rest of the room. I can't help it if I closed the deal ahead of you. *more good hearted laughter of one-upsmanship*
Mark : Bob 'ol boy... you have THE gift I tell ya. Promise me the next time I bump into ya I at least get a chance. You owe me you bastard!
You see how it can all play out? Some friggin Fabio comes up to you, Joe normal and you won the hand. You're a godamned hero in front of your friends and more than likely a legend around the office for a good few days. Money, fame, office cuties staring you up and down. It can only get better from there. Oh, and don't think you women can't benefit from this service as well. You'll be Shelly and the hired gun will be Tanya..... an obvious part time Victoria's Secret swimsuit model.
Tanya : Shelly? SHELLY? ( girl squeals and mock running toward you) OMIGOD! It is YOU! ( fake hugs ). I haven't seen you in FOREVER! Let me take a look at you.
You : Tanyaaaaaaaaa! ( fake hugs back) Everybody, this is my old college girlfriend Tanya. Tanya.... everybody.
Tanya : Ya know, I was JUST thinking about you the other day too. How insane is that? My God, you haven't changed a bit since we last did lunch. Ugh... hair to die for and am I wrong or have you actually gotten THINNER! ( mock stamping of the feet). You bitch! (giggles) you have, haven't you. I am so jealous.
You : Oh stop. You're just being silly now.
Tanya : ( to the rest of your group) I'm not kidding you. Don't let her pull a fast one on you. I remember many a night in the dorm with this one. Always out with THE cutest guys on campus and did I ever see her even have to study ONCE?!?!?!? Same old Shelly, ladies. She doesn't even know she has THE perfect purse I bet, do you Shelly? See? Just comes natural to this one without any of the effort. It's a good thing I'm not the jealous type ya know ( more fake giggling).
Ok, you can say it out loud. I'm a motherfucking absolute dyed in the wool business GOD, right? Think about it the other way around now. Let the imagination roam with it. It's Bob's birthday up there and Tanya walks by. The guys at the office chipped in for a paltry fee and she gives him the goods. I don't know the exact line but it's gotta be something devastating like " Oh hi... I didn't recognize you. How's that whole buying a girl a cheap draft beer and wanting to take her home thing working out for you? Still failing like the other night with me?" and then she walks away with a strut. No doubt comedy gold and good ribbing for the birthday boy gets his birthday smacks for a day. The possibilities are endless.
No typing. No filing. No heavy lifting. Absolutely NO true work of any kind needed but there's good money to be made. I can see this going nationwide and becoming a big thing. It'll have a killer slick Internet site and probably be featured on the news as the hot new thing. C'mon now.... you KNOW damn well I thought up a good one here. I'll..... I'll.... I should get started on this and....and and..... Oh hell. You do it. STILL too much work for me. Just cut me in for my 10% and I'll be happy. What can I say. I'm still too lazy for even this idea. Damn, that's pretty lazy.
Allrighty. What can ya do when you're too lazy to have a viable skill? Become compliment guy/gal. You heard me. Charge 50 bucks for a 10 minute jaunt into boosting somebodies ego and it'll be the easiest money ever made. This is a double edged sword because you can be ego deflator guy/gal as well. Think of the money you could be raking in with this puppy. Birthdays. Divorces. Hell, celebrate that new dress size you just squeezed your butt into, I dunno. The point of it is that you get a friend who gushes your virtues in front of others for the length of a few minutes and you officially "da man" ( or wo-man if the case may be ) in front of your peers. An example if I may? Sure, why the hell not. Let's just say you're a guy and needs to strut the 'ol peacock feathers around some co-workers at lunch down at the local sandwich-ateria. No problem. Hire one of the compliment guys to walk up to your table and it may go something like this in front of your buddies. For the example, your name is Bob and he's Mark an obvious part time jockey short model.
Mark : Bob? Bob Randolph? I thought that was you, ya old dog you.
You : Heyyyyy, Mark! My old school chum. What's this, twice in the last 3 days I've run into you? Gotta be a co-incidence.
Mark : Yeap, that's right. Last time I bumped into you was at ( insert bar name here). Hey, what ever happened to you the other night? I was talking to you one minute and then the next..... oh wait. You didn't mack on that chick did you? *good hearted chuckling* TELL ME you didn't you bastard! Dammit! I KNEW I shoulda went for that one.
You : Yeah, sorry about that one pally. Had I known.....
Mark : ( to your friends ) You know what this wolfhound does? I'm sitting there trying to hook up with this REALLY hot number and he flies under the radar and snags my dime. Jesus he's a sly one
You : Whoa whoa whoa there, pally. If memory serves you moved away to go check out the rest of the room. I can't help it if I closed the deal ahead of you. *more good hearted laughter of one-upsmanship*
Mark : Bob 'ol boy... you have THE gift I tell ya. Promise me the next time I bump into ya I at least get a chance. You owe me you bastard!
You see how it can all play out? Some friggin Fabio comes up to you, Joe normal and you won the hand. You're a godamned hero in front of your friends and more than likely a legend around the office for a good few days. Money, fame, office cuties staring you up and down. It can only get better from there. Oh, and don't think you women can't benefit from this service as well. You'll be Shelly and the hired gun will be Tanya..... an obvious part time Victoria's Secret swimsuit model.
Tanya : Shelly? SHELLY? ( girl squeals and mock running toward you) OMIGOD! It is YOU! ( fake hugs ). I haven't seen you in FOREVER! Let me take a look at you.
You : Tanyaaaaaaaaa! ( fake hugs back) Everybody, this is my old college girlfriend Tanya. Tanya.... everybody.
Tanya : Ya know, I was JUST thinking about you the other day too. How insane is that? My God, you haven't changed a bit since we last did lunch. Ugh... hair to die for and am I wrong or have you actually gotten THINNER! ( mock stamping of the feet). You bitch! (giggles) you have, haven't you. I am so jealous.
You : Oh stop. You're just being silly now.
Tanya : ( to the rest of your group) I'm not kidding you. Don't let her pull a fast one on you. I remember many a night in the dorm with this one. Always out with THE cutest guys on campus and did I ever see her even have to study ONCE?!?!?!? Same old Shelly, ladies. She doesn't even know she has THE perfect purse I bet, do you Shelly? See? Just comes natural to this one without any of the effort. It's a good thing I'm not the jealous type ya know ( more fake giggling).
Ok, you can say it out loud. I'm a motherfucking absolute dyed in the wool business GOD, right? Think about it the other way around now. Let the imagination roam with it. It's Bob's birthday up there and Tanya walks by. The guys at the office chipped in for a paltry fee and she gives him the goods. I don't know the exact line but it's gotta be something devastating like " Oh hi... I didn't recognize you. How's that whole buying a girl a cheap draft beer and wanting to take her home thing working out for you? Still failing like the other night with me?" and then she walks away with a strut. No doubt comedy gold and good ribbing for the birthday boy gets his birthday smacks for a day. The possibilities are endless.
No typing. No filing. No heavy lifting. Absolutely NO true work of any kind needed but there's good money to be made. I can see this going nationwide and becoming a big thing. It'll have a killer slick Internet site and probably be featured on the news as the hot new thing. C'mon now.... you KNOW damn well I thought up a good one here. I'll..... I'll.... I should get started on this and....and and..... Oh hell. You do it. STILL too much work for me. Just cut me in for my 10% and I'll be happy. What can I say. I'm still too lazy for even this idea. Damn, that's pretty lazy.
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