War for $41 -or- How Capital One credit card company is gonna get my foot up their asses

I know it's been suggested that anything over 250 words loses the reader. I have a lengthy post so I need a way around that. One thing that always keeps me reading is the 'ol conversation technique. With that in mind, I'll waste my 250 words on the subject giving you some background.

About last Oct./Nov. I had the good fortune enough to pay off all of my debt. All of it. No more credit cards. No more loans. No more anything. I was officially beholden to no-one and nothing with exception to my day to day bills. It's a good thing, right? Sure it is. If you can manage it, I highly suggest the number one thing you do is eliminate the credit card debt. If you ask me, it's the number one reason in this country people are claiming bankruptcy. The interest charges are insane. The debt only piles up higher and higher. NO GOOD can become of having credit cards. Yes yes, I understand the nature of being stranded and you just need that emergency plan in place. I have one card in my wallet that I keep for such things. No annual fees. No big interest rate. But I don't use it. As a matter of fact, I've never used them up until a few years ago and I got into deep water fast with them. It's just too easy to.

Before any of you hooligans start crying that "Gee Russ, You can't buy a house or get a car loan without credit" and such nonsense, let me tell you something. I bought my first house without ever owning a credit card. I got my first new car/loan without ever having a credit card. It's just not necessary. Credit is a scam put into place by lending institutions. Plain and simple. What would you need credit for if you don't have a credit card? Bullshit I say. Pure bullshit, credit scores and the like.

Anyways. So I get this piece of mail the other day. Hmmmm.. looks odd. Not like your usual "sign here for our free credit card" type offer ( which I usually just throw in the shredder). Lemme open it and see what's up. *tears open envelope*. What is this? It's a credit card bill? This is IMPOSSIBLE! Annual membership fee.... late fee.... yadda yadda yadda. I better call up. I'll save you the trauma I went through with the voice prompts. Suffice to say they want EVERYTHING automated. You just can't talk to a real life human being. Ok, then. You want it that way? Let's play. I start hitting all kinds of buttons to screw the account and lock it up. First I raised the credit limit. Then I requested it lowered. Then I cancelled the card. Then I tried to re-instate it. Then I asked for a duplicate card. Then I reported it stolen. Well.... that last one seemed to have done the trick. I heard the old "Hold for the next available operator" chime in. Mind you, I'm already a good half hour into the mess so I'm good and pissed. Here's how the conversation went....

Tommy ~ Hello, Mr. So-and-so. Can I have the proper spelling of your name, mother's maiden name, sperm sample, promisary note of the first born and anything else that might make your life difficult to let me know this is you? ( I'll tell you right now that "Tommy's" real name was probably Rashneesh Falaffel Patel Jr. because I got hooked into India. On top of everything, there's a good 3 second lag in speaking and even then the guy barely spoke english. Pissed? You don't even know)
Me ~ Uh.. blah blah blah, sperm sample papers here and uh... hey, I shaved my ass last week. Here's the blog post to have a chuckle over.
Tommy ~ Very good sir. What can I do for you today? I see that you want to.... you want to.... what is it that you want to do with your account?
Me ~ It's supposed to be cancelled. WHY IS THERE A BILL IN MY HANDS? I cancelled it last Novemeber. Can you see that? I specifically cancelled it and now I'm getting A GODAMNED BILL. Explain to me why I have a bill in my hands, Tommy. Explain it.
Tommy ~ Well sir, I see that you asked for a credit increase. Is that what you want today?
Me ~ Tommy? Can you hear me properly? Listen closely. I CANCELLED THIS CARD IN NOVEMBER OF 2006. I PAID IT OFF IN FULL. CONFIRM PLEASE. ( half yelling because of the bad phone line, half because I want to kill Tommy).
Tommy ~ Well sir, I see that you asked for a credit increase right here. And ..... well, then you asked for it to be cancelled. Then you asked for...
Me ~ Tommy, Tommy, Tommy. I know about that. I did all that on purpose because there is NO way of just getting a live human being on the phone to talk to. Ignore all that. I want to know why there is a 41 dollar balance on something that should have been cancelled almost a year ago. CONFIRM PLEASE ( note : you can be the most annoying nice person in the world if you keep repeating one phrase or even the person's name over and over again as it it were an exclamation point. It's an old trick I learned long ago. You don't believe me? Try repeating somebody's name after every sentence when you are pissed and having a discussion with them. It drives them bonkers and messes them all up).
Tommy ~ Well Mr. So-and-so... I'm sorry about the voice operator prompt not being clear. We are aware of the problem and are working on it. I assure you that Capital One Credit company is on top of the operator prompt issue and I....
Me ~ TOMMY! Stay with me here. I'm going to say this plainly and slowly so that we know what to focus on here. I cancelled this card back in November. I paid the balance in full. I owe you NOTHING. I will pay you NOTHING. No 41 dollars, Tommy. No mailing of the check, Tommy. No anything with your company anymore, Tommy. Find out why this was not cancelled,Tommy. Reverse the charges, Tommy. If you can't help me then I will hold for a manager that can assist me, Tommy. ( see how annoying that is now? lol) CONFIRM PLEASE.
Tommy ~ Please hold, sir.
~~~~ holding for no less than 10 minutes and multiple games of solitaire ~~~~
Tommy ~ Are you there Mr. So-and-so?
Me ~ Yes, Tommy. I'm here with you. We'll get through this thing together ( calm voice now, because I'm playing "good cop" and therefore letting him know I can be reasonable. The choice is hiw which he gets from here on out ). Have you been able to go back and see where and how I do not owe you anything? Do you see my dilemma now?
Tommy ~ Yes sir, I see the history of the account now. It's currently billed 29 dollars for the membership fees and because you chose not to pay it, there has been a late fee added on.
WRONG FUCKING WORDS, ASSHOLE!
Me ~ TOMMY! Tommy, is this call being recorded, Tommy? ( still calm). It is? Good. I want this statement recorded. " I do not owe Capital One a GODAMNED thing. I cancelled this back in Novemeber of 2006. As per YOUR company's intructions, I stopped using the card. Can you see activity on it since last year? No? Good. You know why that is? Because I CANCELLED IT. Now, if you people see fit to un-cancell me, then I will see fit to SUE THE LIVING HELL OUT OF CAPITAL ONE in court. For 41 lousy dollars the amount of bad press you get will be unreal. Not only will I not pay this bill due to YOUR error, I will create so much of a headache for you in the legal system you'd think you were fighting for the baby of Anna Nicole Smith". Did you record all that, Tommy?
Tommy ~ Please hold, sir.
~~~~ Tommy probably goes off and explains to his manager what kind of a loon he has on the line. Probably explains how for 41 dollars I'm freaking out. No doubt, Tommy asks who the hell the baby of Anna Nicole Smith is and has to look it up on the internet and just why Capital One would want to gain custody of the little tyke ~~~~
Tommy ~ Sir?
Me ~ ( very VERY calm voice now. Almost too mellow. As though I'm cleaning a shotgun or perhaps sharpening an axe blade). Yeassss, Tommy?
Tommy ~ Well, sir. I have been assured by my managers that this matter is now resolved and all of the charges have been reversed. If you would be so kind as to destroy the card I'll see to it....
Me ~ The card was destroyed back in Novemeber, Tommy. ( just said that to be a prick. I know the 3 second lag trips him up and he has to re-gather his thoughts with the speech his manager's told to give)
Tommy ~ Uh....huh? Oh! Very good sir. Thank you for doing that. Well then, if you just adhere to the guidelines of not using the card I assure you it will all be considered over and clear with no ill effects on your credit rating. Is there anything else I can do for you today?
Me ~ Yes, I want your full name. A number where I can call you DIRECTLY and a confirmation number of this process, Tommy. I trusted you people back in November of oh-six and look where it got me. I'm not going through this again. I swear to you if this is not cleared up by next billing cycle I WILL be getting my lawyer. He loves crap like this.
Tommy ~ Well sir, I uh... me? ( ha ha ha ha. I finally got the guy from another country to be flustered. He was doing good and being professional up until now. Unreachable because he's a tybillion miles away as it were. Now that he knows it's his tit in the ringer he's not so happy about it. None-the-less, he gives me the info anyways)The number here is such and such, my name is so and so. You confirmation number is blah blah blah. Anything else, sir?
Me ~ Nothing further, Tommy. You've been most helpful. I will call back in 15 days to see that this matter is cleared as you say it is. I assume this conversation is still being recorded. "If it is not resolved in 15 days, I will give no further chances or warnings. I will see to it that Capital One spends an ass load of money in legal fees defending against credit fraud and I'm more than certain I will win because this has been a repeat of last time when I talked to you people. I paid well over 12 thousand dollars off in one shot and was thanked for my business. I was confirmed cancelled before and found it to be a lie. I will have no pity or mercy when in litigation with your company and most certainly will bring it to every bit of press I can find while doing it" Hey Tommy...... you have a good day now, ok? Buh-bye.

*click*

There ends ( I hope ) one of the many hours in my past few days since a post, folks. Tons of other things happening... dog has a growth in his mouth. Have to get it taken out. Maybe cancer, maybe not. I hope not. Caddy blew a water pump and uh... what else. I dunno. Tons of other things not worth mentioning. If everything isn't in turmoil around me it isn't normal, I suppose.