The half hug ~ half handshake

Yeah yeah... I know I haven't posted in a while. Shut the fuck up and deal. I was on vacation. Hopefully the gratuitous tit shot above will make the anger subside. Anyways.....

Can somebody please explain to me how the fuck this thing came into existence? I gotta tell you folks something. I really can't stand people touching me*. This goes for family and friends alike. I'm not even going into people I don't know here. Well, that is of course unless you're a hot chick that wants sex. Then it's all good. Nope. I'm talking about the "guy" touching thing that has to be stopped. I was usually O.K. with the handshake thing. Hell, do the double-hand-clasp handshake thing and I'm still fine with it. That's where I draw the line, though.

I first noticed it from my lifelong buddy Charlie. Maybe last year or so when I say g'bye he starts with this whole "Hey buddy, it was good seeing you again" thing. Right as I'm giving the 'ol perfunctory handshake deal he leans in for that half hug-handshake deal and I gotta do it too. It kinda freaked me out because if anybody knows I hate being touched it's him. ( shut up. No, YOU'RE the homo. ) Hell, I don't even let my own kid climb on me for a piggy back ride. It usually goes something like this ~ "OK, OK... that's enough. Gotta get off now. I'm uh... I'm old and you're gonna break me". So anyhoo, Charlie does this weird move that I have to comply with and now it's stuck. What the fuck is up with that? For those of you that don't know what I'm talking about, it sorta goes like this. You grab the hand with a firm grip and give it the good old fashioned "1-shake". Then you bring the elbow in to your side and the other buddy does the same. As that happens, you both lean in for a firm slap on the back guy style. Usually if it's a really good old friend that you haven't seen in forever, you give UP TO three slaps on the back with your left hand, but no more. It's a total guy gesture that supposedly emotes friendship and acceptance but I don't see it that way. It just freaks me out is all. Why do I tell you this?

So here I am at my sister's 40th surprise birthday party. We all had a good time and the food was decent I guess. At the end of the night I'm saying my goodbye's because I have a crazy long drive in front of me. Out of nowhere my father comes up and says g'nite. Get this! He does the half hug/ half handshake thing to me! WTF!?!?!? I get stuck somewhere in the middle of "OK pop" and "I dunno... I really don't know you that well, do I?" I gotta do it. What kind of an ass would I be if I refused it? Huge probably. I mean, the guy is ex-airborne ranger and retired Teamster trucker. The half hug thing is not something that he does. Do I now read too much into it now and think he's got some sort of incurable disease? The whole thing totally throws me.

Let me explain for those of you that think I have intimacy issues. I really don't. It's just that my particular brand of showing affection lays somewhere between "let me buy you something" and a polite wave. Where's Vickie in all of this? She can tell you I'm a pretty sensitive motherfucker. I just DO NOT like the whole touch me thing about humanity is all. Who dreamed up this whole godamned guy-hug thing anyways? Do I need to be more in touch with my vulnerable side or something? I don't think so to be honest with you. I tell you what ( for those that I've never met or those that I don't do this with). We'll see each other face to face for 5 minutes and then when we have to part ways I'll just do it to you out of nowhere. See how awkward that will be? Do you pull a Seinfeld and just "nahhhh, I don't think so" and refuse it? You just can't! That's my point. You're just drawn into this thing with no possible way out and it's all weird if you're not expecting it.

Lemme tell ya's something. The next time it happens I'm gonna refuse it and see what happens. I don't care who it's from. I just need to see the results of what happens. For all I know I could possibly be the first guy in all of humanity who's attempted the guy-hug brush off for all I know. It could go horribly wrong. Maybe not. I know this crap has to be stopped, though. What's next? Walking down the street hand in hand wryly looking at a fresh baked baguette like some French bisexual indie film couple? The thought makes me wanna puke.

By the way. THIS GUY is a must see ( for my fellow male friends out there ). He's my new hero. I simply must move to NYC now and get a video camera.

*this does not include wanna be hooter waitresses who like to give oral pleasure.