Ragu Soccer Mom Lunacy

Ok, so I'm shopping at my local grocery store the other day and what do I see. A jar of Ragu pasta sauce with this on the top. "Ragu Soccer mom shortcuts" Open for nutritious easy-to-prepare meals & snacks.

Now. You all know my unbridled hatred for soccer moms and their ilk. If you don't, then go to some of my first ever posts and you'll see how I loathe them. This though... I couldn't pass this one up. I just had to buy the jar of stupid sauce to see what the deal is. Why? The same reason men have to look at Vogue or Vanity Fair. I need the inside scoop as to what's going on in the world with these evil little trolls. Call it knowing thy enemy if you will.

Anyways.... let's open this little pamphlet type diatribe and see what has to be said, shall we?

We hear you, soccer moms! Between your work and homework, play dates and practices it's not always easy to give your kids the good nutrition they need. Ok, hold the fuck up right there. What mystical uber-mom is Ragu targeting here? Work AND homework. Play dates AND practices. It's like every soccer mom has gotten to the stature of Wonder Woman for chrissakes. All that AND a mother as well? You've gotta be kidding me. How do these little trolls find the time to do it? All of the soccer moms I've ever seen are lazy good for nothing yip-yaps who could use a swift kick in the ass. ( Again, read my previous posting on exactly what type of soccer mom I'm referring to here. I'm not talking the 30's something here.)

That's where Ragu comes in. With a few jars at home and some other ingredients, you've got all the fixings for a full playbook of simple ways to feed your family right. In fact, Ragu Pasta Sauce is and always has been all-natural with no additives or preservatives. And every 1/2 cup of Ragu delivers a much needed serving of veggies! Does anybody note the Satanic advertising gimmick going on here? First of all you have to buy a few jars of this ass flavored sauce. Next, it'll be so damned easy to whip something up with everyday ingredients you'd be a horse's ass not to be able to succeed. Did anybody even notice where Ragu implied kids weren't eating correctly with the ever taxed help of the soccer mom? "Much needed serving of veggies". See that? Without Ragu soccer moms everywhere have been failing miserably. Lastly, it WILL BE nutritious. Keep that in mind because I'm about to go into overdrive at some of their ideas here.

Kids Dig Dipping! There's something about dips that turns ordinary snacks or sandwiches into a special treat. Even better when that dip contains full servings of veggies. So, for a change from cold ketchup, serve a bowl of warm Ragu on the side and let the dipping begin. Again with the fucking veggies. Yeah yeah I get it. Soccer moms only give their kids raw steak and sugary soft drinks for consumption. As much as I hate their kind, I'm beginning to hate Ragu even more now for insinuating that we don't feed our kids properly. And since when do people throw bowls of cold ketchup to dip with on the table? My mom never did that.

Ok, here's some wonderful recipe ideas that they share with you. Are you ready for this? I feel the need to point out and remind you that the keywords of meal, nutritious and they eluded to fun to be had for all. Let's see what they came up with at the Ragu kitchen, shall we?

Dippin' Dogs ~ String cheese in a hot dog bun makes for nutritious dipping fun. Whatttttttttttttttttt!?!?!? Did you just suggest I put a hunk of cheese into a starch wrapping and eat it after I've smeared it in a bowl of spaghetti sauce? Lemme look at that again. They can't have. Yeap. They sure enough did. Bread and cheese. Sort of like a string-cheese dog. You gotta be kidding me. There can't be anything nutritious about that nor can I call that a meal. Let's see what else they suggest.

Grilled Cheese Please ~ Choose your cheese, grill until gooey, then cut into bite-size dipping squares. You're telling me the brain trust at Ragu just came up with something new and it's called a grilled cheese? That can't be right either. It just can't be. If that's true, we've all been stealing the ideas of the mighty Ragu for years and never knew it. My mom made this dish for me as a kid I think. Yeah, I remember it now. Two pieces of bread. Cheese of her choosing. Hell, she even grilled it until gooey and cut it. I had better go tell her to knock it off or Ragu's gonna sue the ever loving shit outta her if they catch wind of this. Everybody stop making this stuff or there's gonna be trouble. Hey, did you all catch how this "meal suggestion" was WAY different from the last one? I mean c'mon. The last one was just bread and cheese. This one is.... well it's um...... Hey wait, isn't this one bread and cheese too? I must be seeing things.

Ragu Fondue ~ Serve cut up veggies, meatballs or turkey, cheese or bread cubes on toothpicks for dipping in heated Ragu Pasta Sauce. Bwaaaaaaa ha ha ha ha ha ha. What is it with these people and bread and cheese? Not to mention did you ever try taking a broccoli stalk that's raw and eating it dipped in warmed up spaghetti sauce? Make me friggin barf! Your kids will most certainly go for it though. Hell, try it with carrots and bell peppers for that fact. By the way... if I'm going to make meatballs, would I just put it on bread with some cheese ( smirk ) and call it a meatball parm? Hey look, Ragu. You just forgot a new invention there guys. Better invent that in the next book.

Speaking of next book. The last page of this handy little leaflet says in big letters.... FREE! Soccer Mom Shortcuts Book. 32 colorful pages packed with simple ways to feed your family right...not to mention ways to pass the time on the sidelines too! Visit www.ragu.com Good while supplies last. Holy hell in a hand basket, batman. They can't be serious. I can get more of these crazy simple yet highly nutritious "meals" from Ragu? I just have to do it now. I'm way beyond the soccer mom hatred at this point. My attention has been diverted solely to Ragu Pasta Sauce and it's wisdom for the time being. That's not saying I don't hate soccer moms with every fiber of my being, because I assure you that I do with a passion. I've just got to go to the website and find out what sort of bullshit this company is doing now. Think about it. Ragu has teamed up with soccer moms now to give their children and even bigger life of hell with this shit. Hey Ragu.... thanks a bunch for doing your part to single handedly latch on to a group of people that don't know their ass from their elbow and making profit from it. You people have got to be the worst I've seen in quite some time. I hope you all get kicked in the nuts with soccer balls now. You deserve it.

As for you, soccer moms. I don't often side with your ilk but I have to give you this advice. DO NOT give your kids fucking string cheese on a hot dog bun and think you did a good job for your child's nutrition. If you fall for it, you deserve to have obese little fat assed good for nothing kids. You can wonder why there's shows like they have where they show you a 200 pound 6th grader all you want. We all know it comes from you selfish little piggy's. Yet another reason to hate you in my book. You have a chance to turn this all around but I doubt you will. Bunch of selfish yip-yap douchebags that you are. I'm just pointing it out is all.

Hey Ragu......... you can suck me too, bitches.