The half hug ~ half handshake

Yeah yeah... I know I haven't posted in a while. Shut the fuck up and deal. I was on vacation. Hopefully the gratuitous tit shot above will make the anger subside. Anyways.....

Can somebody please explain to me how the fuck this thing came into existence? I gotta tell you folks something. I really can't stand people touching me*. This goes for family and friends alike. I'm not even going into people I don't know here. Well, that is of course unless you're a hot chick that wants sex. Then it's all good. Nope. I'm talking about the "guy" touching thing that has to be stopped. I was usually O.K. with the handshake thing. Hell, do the double-hand-clasp handshake thing and I'm still fine with it. That's where I draw the line, though.

I first noticed it from my lifelong buddy Charlie. Maybe last year or so when I say g'bye he starts with this whole "Hey buddy, it was good seeing you again" thing. Right as I'm giving the 'ol perfunctory handshake deal he leans in for that half hug-handshake deal and I gotta do it too. It kinda freaked me out because if anybody knows I hate being touched it's him. ( shut up. No, YOU'RE the homo. ) Hell, I don't even let my own kid climb on me for a piggy back ride. It usually goes something like this ~ "OK, OK... that's enough. Gotta get off now. I'm uh... I'm old and you're gonna break me". So anyhoo, Charlie does this weird move that I have to comply with and now it's stuck. What the fuck is up with that? For those of you that don't know what I'm talking about, it sorta goes like this. You grab the hand with a firm grip and give it the good old fashioned "1-shake". Then you bring the elbow in to your side and the other buddy does the same. As that happens, you both lean in for a firm slap on the back guy style. Usually if it's a really good old friend that you haven't seen in forever, you give UP TO three slaps on the back with your left hand, but no more. It's a total guy gesture that supposedly emotes friendship and acceptance but I don't see it that way. It just freaks me out is all. Why do I tell you this?

So here I am at my sister's 40th surprise birthday party. We all had a good time and the food was decent I guess. At the end of the night I'm saying my goodbye's because I have a crazy long drive in front of me. Out of nowhere my father comes up and says g'nite. Get this! He does the half hug/ half handshake thing to me! WTF!?!?!? I get stuck somewhere in the middle of "OK pop" and "I dunno... I really don't know you that well, do I?" I gotta do it. What kind of an ass would I be if I refused it? Huge probably. I mean, the guy is ex-airborne ranger and retired Teamster trucker. The half hug thing is not something that he does. Do I now read too much into it now and think he's got some sort of incurable disease? The whole thing totally throws me.

Let me explain for those of you that think I have intimacy issues. I really don't. It's just that my particular brand of showing affection lays somewhere between "let me buy you something" and a polite wave. Where's Vickie in all of this? She can tell you I'm a pretty sensitive motherfucker. I just DO NOT like the whole touch me thing about humanity is all. Who dreamed up this whole godamned guy-hug thing anyways? Do I need to be more in touch with my vulnerable side or something? I don't think so to be honest with you. I tell you what ( for those that I've never met or those that I don't do this with). We'll see each other face to face for 5 minutes and then when we have to part ways I'll just do it to you out of nowhere. See how awkward that will be? Do you pull a Seinfeld and just "nahhhh, I don't think so" and refuse it? You just can't! That's my point. You're just drawn into this thing with no possible way out and it's all weird if you're not expecting it.

Lemme tell ya's something. The next time it happens I'm gonna refuse it and see what happens. I don't care who it's from. I just need to see the results of what happens. For all I know I could possibly be the first guy in all of humanity who's attempted the guy-hug brush off for all I know. It could go horribly wrong. Maybe not. I know this crap has to be stopped, though. What's next? Walking down the street hand in hand wryly looking at a fresh baked baguette like some French bisexual indie film couple? The thought makes me wanna puke.

By the way. THIS GUY is a must see ( for my fellow male friends out there ). He's my new hero. I simply must move to NYC now and get a video camera.

*this does not include wanna be hooter waitresses who like to give oral pleasure.

Ragu Soccer Mom Lunacy

Ok, so I'm shopping at my local grocery store the other day and what do I see. A jar of Ragu pasta sauce with this on the top. "Ragu Soccer mom shortcuts" Open for nutritious easy-to-prepare meals & snacks.

Now. You all know my unbridled hatred for soccer moms and their ilk. If you don't, then go to some of my first ever posts and you'll see how I loathe them. This though... I couldn't pass this one up. I just had to buy the jar of stupid sauce to see what the deal is. Why? The same reason men have to look at Vogue or Vanity Fair. I need the inside scoop as to what's going on in the world with these evil little trolls. Call it knowing thy enemy if you will.

Anyways.... let's open this little pamphlet type diatribe and see what has to be said, shall we?

We hear you, soccer moms! Between your work and homework, play dates and practices it's not always easy to give your kids the good nutrition they need. Ok, hold the fuck up right there. What mystical uber-mom is Ragu targeting here? Work AND homework. Play dates AND practices. It's like every soccer mom has gotten to the stature of Wonder Woman for chrissakes. All that AND a mother as well? You've gotta be kidding me. How do these little trolls find the time to do it? All of the soccer moms I've ever seen are lazy good for nothing yip-yaps who could use a swift kick in the ass. ( Again, read my previous posting on exactly what type of soccer mom I'm referring to here. I'm not talking the 30's something here.)

That's where Ragu comes in. With a few jars at home and some other ingredients, you've got all the fixings for a full playbook of simple ways to feed your family right. In fact, Ragu Pasta Sauce is and always has been all-natural with no additives or preservatives. And every 1/2 cup of Ragu delivers a much needed serving of veggies! Does anybody note the Satanic advertising gimmick going on here? First of all you have to buy a few jars of this ass flavored sauce. Next, it'll be so damned easy to whip something up with everyday ingredients you'd be a horse's ass not to be able to succeed. Did anybody even notice where Ragu implied kids weren't eating correctly with the ever taxed help of the soccer mom? "Much needed serving of veggies". See that? Without Ragu soccer moms everywhere have been failing miserably. Lastly, it WILL BE nutritious. Keep that in mind because I'm about to go into overdrive at some of their ideas here.

Kids Dig Dipping! There's something about dips that turns ordinary snacks or sandwiches into a special treat. Even better when that dip contains full servings of veggies. So, for a change from cold ketchup, serve a bowl of warm Ragu on the side and let the dipping begin. Again with the fucking veggies. Yeah yeah I get it. Soccer moms only give their kids raw steak and sugary soft drinks for consumption. As much as I hate their kind, I'm beginning to hate Ragu even more now for insinuating that we don't feed our kids properly. And since when do people throw bowls of cold ketchup to dip with on the table? My mom never did that.

Ok, here's some wonderful recipe ideas that they share with you. Are you ready for this? I feel the need to point out and remind you that the keywords of meal, nutritious and they eluded to fun to be had for all. Let's see what they came up with at the Ragu kitchen, shall we?

Dippin' Dogs ~ String cheese in a hot dog bun makes for nutritious dipping fun. Whatttttttttttttttttt!?!?!? Did you just suggest I put a hunk of cheese into a starch wrapping and eat it after I've smeared it in a bowl of spaghetti sauce? Lemme look at that again. They can't have. Yeap. They sure enough did. Bread and cheese. Sort of like a string-cheese dog. You gotta be kidding me. There can't be anything nutritious about that nor can I call that a meal. Let's see what else they suggest.

Grilled Cheese Please ~ Choose your cheese, grill until gooey, then cut into bite-size dipping squares. You're telling me the brain trust at Ragu just came up with something new and it's called a grilled cheese? That can't be right either. It just can't be. If that's true, we've all been stealing the ideas of the mighty Ragu for years and never knew it. My mom made this dish for me as a kid I think. Yeah, I remember it now. Two pieces of bread. Cheese of her choosing. Hell, she even grilled it until gooey and cut it. I had better go tell her to knock it off or Ragu's gonna sue the ever loving shit outta her if they catch wind of this. Everybody stop making this stuff or there's gonna be trouble. Hey, did you all catch how this "meal suggestion" was WAY different from the last one? I mean c'mon. The last one was just bread and cheese. This one is.... well it's um...... Hey wait, isn't this one bread and cheese too? I must be seeing things.

Ragu Fondue ~ Serve cut up veggies, meatballs or turkey, cheese or bread cubes on toothpicks for dipping in heated Ragu Pasta Sauce. Bwaaaaaaa ha ha ha ha ha ha. What is it with these people and bread and cheese? Not to mention did you ever try taking a broccoli stalk that's raw and eating it dipped in warmed up spaghetti sauce? Make me friggin barf! Your kids will most certainly go for it though. Hell, try it with carrots and bell peppers for that fact. By the way... if I'm going to make meatballs, would I just put it on bread with some cheese ( smirk ) and call it a meatball parm? Hey look, Ragu. You just forgot a new invention there guys. Better invent that in the next book.

Speaking of next book. The last page of this handy little leaflet says in big letters.... FREE! Soccer Mom Shortcuts Book. 32 colorful pages packed with simple ways to feed your family right...not to mention ways to pass the time on the sidelines too! Visit www.ragu.com Good while supplies last. Holy hell in a hand basket, batman. They can't be serious. I can get more of these crazy simple yet highly nutritious "meals" from Ragu? I just have to do it now. I'm way beyond the soccer mom hatred at this point. My attention has been diverted solely to Ragu Pasta Sauce and it's wisdom for the time being. That's not saying I don't hate soccer moms with every fiber of my being, because I assure you that I do with a passion. I've just got to go to the website and find out what sort of bullshit this company is doing now. Think about it. Ragu has teamed up with soccer moms now to give their children and even bigger life of hell with this shit. Hey Ragu.... thanks a bunch for doing your part to single handedly latch on to a group of people that don't know their ass from their elbow and making profit from it. You people have got to be the worst I've seen in quite some time. I hope you all get kicked in the nuts with soccer balls now. You deserve it.

As for you, soccer moms. I don't often side with your ilk but I have to give you this advice. DO NOT give your kids fucking string cheese on a hot dog bun and think you did a good job for your child's nutrition. If you fall for it, you deserve to have obese little fat assed good for nothing kids. You can wonder why there's shows like they have where they show you a 200 pound 6th grader all you want. We all know it comes from you selfish little piggy's. Yet another reason to hate you in my book. You have a chance to turn this all around but I doubt you will. Bunch of selfish yip-yap douchebags that you are. I'm just pointing it out is all.

Hey Ragu......... you can suck me too, bitches.

Myspace whores and assholes

OK. I don't have a myspace account anymore and haven't for quite some time now. I took a short perusal there just a little while ago and it's the same old tired crap it's always been. I should preface this whole post saying that if you have one or you like the place, hey great. All the more power to you. I just can't deal with that self serving bullshit anymore. It's all about putting up a picture ( fake or not) and people saying "gosh ur hotttttt" or some garbage like that. Excuse me, I don't need that self important ego boost like little girls do. It's just damn stupidity page after page I tell you. This runs rampant with both the males and females of ALL ages.

The same goes with break.com and the like. Now they have little piss and moan wars about who gets to be on the front page and how it's not fair, etc etc etc. Doesn't anybody have anything better to do with themselves anymore these days? Are we not de-nutted enough to be this touchy feely society these days? Now everywhere I go on the web I have to start paying compliments and stroking immature ego's to soothe the internal spoiled brat within the owner of said page/video?

I bring this all up because I got into a discussion the other day with some people. It seems the "younger" generation is hopping and skipping around the work place environment needing this type of petting. THAT is just sad. I knew this shit would happen too. Now, I don't want to pull the old "in my day" routine because I'm not that old but puh-lease! What ever happened to strong ethics in this country? No wonder people are hating us left and right. NOW do you all see what standing little Timmy in a corner and then coddling him 3 minutes later has done? Look at sad little Suzy over there as well. She hasn't gotten her daily pat on the head and ration of praise. Now we've all created a monster who's in a constant state of PMS.

I want *some* of the good old days back. Enough with this political correct mamby pamby touchy feely crap. If I have to hear "something-American" one more time I'm gonna pitch a fit as well. Get over your race bullshit. You're not an African-American. You're not a Mexican-American. Putting that hyphenated crap before American to the rest of us just demeans your forefathers and makes you "Less-American". You know that don't you? You were born here and this is what you are. You don't catch us trotting our asses all over the place and calling ourselves an "American-African" or an "American-Englishman" do you? Of course not. It'd just be stupid to do such things.

Oh hello. How are you? I see you have an American accent. "Why yes... that's because I'm an American-Australian" you know. Respect my diversity.

See how stupid that is? GUHHHHHH, it makes me sick.

I want All in the Family back. I long for the Archie Bunker days. How about re-making Chico and the Man, Hollywood? Why not, you bring everything else back to life and beat it dead again. Good movies like Animal House maybe. Do you think we could ever get away with another Mel Brooks History of the World type movie again? I should say not. Not only would the people who work on the set have to be given awards just for showing up, the NAACP would have a riot in the streets banning it all over the place.

Lighten up with the PC and ego stroking people. We're not all deserving of "wow, you're hotttttt" and yours truly is at the top of the list. Hell, I'm the leader if that helps put somebody in front of the whole thing. You're also not a something-American. You live here.... you're an American. If you don't live here, then that's all well and good too. I respect that. 'nuff said.

New business ideas for the lazy

Ok, I have some of THE all time best business ideas sometimes. Let me expound on a little gem that I've been dreaming up lately. For the record, if I see ANY of this shit out in the real world I'm gonna want a cut because I said it out here in the open first.

Allrighty. What can ya do when you're too lazy to have a viable skill? Become compliment guy/gal. You heard me. Charge 50 bucks for a 10 minute jaunt into boosting somebodies ego and it'll be the easiest money ever made. This is a double edged sword because you can be ego deflator guy/gal as well. Think of the money you could be raking in with this puppy. Birthdays. Divorces. Hell, celebrate that new dress size you just squeezed your butt into, I dunno. The point of it is that you get a friend who gushes your virtues in front of others for the length of a few minutes and you officially "da man" ( or wo-man if the case may be ) in front of your peers. An example if I may? Sure, why the hell not. Let's just say you're a guy and needs to strut the 'ol peacock feathers around some co-workers at lunch down at the local sandwich-ateria. No problem. Hire one of the compliment guys to walk up to your table and it may go something like this in front of your buddies. For the example, your name is Bob and he's Mark an obvious part time jockey short model.

Mark : Bob? Bob Randolph? I thought that was you, ya old dog you.
You : Heyyyyy, Mark! My old school chum. What's this, twice in the last 3 days I've run into you? Gotta be a co-incidence.
Mark : Yeap, that's right. Last time I bumped into you was at ( insert bar name here). Hey, what ever happened to you the other night? I was talking to you one minute and then the next..... oh wait. You didn't mack on that chick did you? *good hearted chuckling* TELL ME you didn't you bastard! Dammit! I KNEW I shoulda went for that one.
You : Yeah, sorry about that one pally. Had I known.....
Mark : ( to your friends ) You know what this wolfhound does? I'm sitting there trying to hook up with this REALLY hot number and he flies under the radar and snags my dime. Jesus he's a sly one
You : Whoa whoa whoa there, pally. If memory serves you moved away to go check out the rest of the room. I can't help it if I closed the deal ahead of you. *more good hearted laughter of one-upsmanship*
Mark : Bob 'ol boy... you have THE gift I tell ya. Promise me the next time I bump into ya I at least get a chance. You owe me you bastard!

You see how it can all play out? Some friggin Fabio comes up to you, Joe normal and you won the hand. You're a godamned hero in front of your friends and more than likely a legend around the office for a good few days. Money, fame, office cuties staring you up and down. It can only get better from there. Oh, and don't think you women can't benefit from this service as well. You'll be Shelly and the hired gun will be Tanya..... an obvious part time Victoria's Secret swimsuit model.

Tanya : Shelly? SHELLY? ( girl squeals and mock running toward you) OMIGOD! It is YOU! ( fake hugs ). I haven't seen you in FOREVER! Let me take a look at you.
You : Tanyaaaaaaaaa! ( fake hugs back) Everybody, this is my old college girlfriend Tanya. Tanya.... everybody.
Tanya : Ya know, I was JUST thinking about you the other day too. How insane is that? My God, you haven't changed a bit since we last did lunch. Ugh... hair to die for and am I wrong or have you actually gotten THINNER! ( mock stamping of the feet). You bitch! (giggles) you have, haven't you. I am so jealous.
You : Oh stop. You're just being silly now.
Tanya : ( to the rest of your group) I'm not kidding you. Don't let her pull a fast one on you. I remember many a night in the dorm with this one. Always out with THE cutest guys on campus and did I ever see her even have to study ONCE?!?!?!? Same old Shelly, ladies. She doesn't even know she has THE perfect purse I bet, do you Shelly? See? Just comes natural to this one without any of the effort. It's a good thing I'm not the jealous type ya know ( more fake giggling).

Ok, you can say it out loud. I'm a motherfucking absolute dyed in the wool business GOD, right? Think about it the other way around now. Let the imagination roam with it. It's Bob's birthday up there and Tanya walks by. The guys at the office chipped in for a paltry fee and she gives him the goods. I don't know the exact line but it's gotta be something devastating like " Oh hi... I didn't recognize you. How's that whole buying a girl a cheap draft beer and wanting to take her home thing working out for you? Still failing like the other night with me?" and then she walks away with a strut. No doubt comedy gold and good ribbing for the birthday boy gets his birthday smacks for a day. The possibilities are endless.

No typing. No filing. No heavy lifting. Absolutely NO true work of any kind needed but there's good money to be made. I can see this going nationwide and becoming a big thing. It'll have a killer slick Internet site and probably be featured on the news as the hot new thing. C'mon now.... you KNOW damn well I thought up a good one here. I'll..... I'll.... I should get started on this and....and and..... Oh hell. You do it. STILL too much work for me. Just cut me in for my 10% and I'll be happy. What can I say. I'm still too lazy for even this idea. Damn, that's pretty lazy.

Hey, how about a post.

See? I told you I don't have the every day where-with-all to keep a decent blog together. Not that anybody comes on here and looks at this crap anyways. But hey, whatever. I'll verbally puke up a nice pretty hairball for my 1 1/2 readers now I guess.

Lemme see.... I'm gonna try to wrap up the whole last however long I've been gone into something cute here. I guess I'll just go into how I'm an observationalist because I watch people so much. Of course mind you, I have one inane gift. Ok, maybe two gifts ( orally pleasing women is a given so of course I have to have 2 official gifts in life donch'a know). My gift is sizing somebody up in 30 seconds or less. I don't know what good that does me or how I can make money off of it but it's there. By the way, if anybody can tell me how to make money off of something like this I'd be eternally thankful and even cut you in for a slice. Salesman maybe? Nah. Supreme ruler of everything? OK, maybe I'll go for that.

Anyways....... I'm the official neutral person wherever I go. I have two best friends who find it painfully terrible just to be sociable to each other and it's because they are polar opposites. Why do I tell you this? Because it leads me to explain why I'm such an observationalist. NOBODY gives second thought to the guy ( or gal ) who's common ground. Nothing good or bad to say. Nothing terribly one sided or another. This person gets to just sit back and watch, though. What do I get to see? Hoo boy, lemme tell you. I see lots. I read body language and listen more than I talk. This allows me to be privy to information about humanity. Again, I have NO clue how this will make me money but I'm willing to listen to your advice on my new career path about the whole thing.

Gotta see what's going on-guy : OK, this guy can often be found in a traffic jam getting out of his car and starting the whole thing off by standing on the floor of his car peering down the road looking for some explanation why he isn't moving. Next he closes the car door and marches his ass down in the direction of the stoppage to get a grip on what's going on. On the way back to the car he has no issues telling everybody what is going on. It doesn't matter if it's true or not. He's the guy that had the moxy enough to take the situation by the throat and stick his big fat head in there somehow. These are also "self important" people. You know the type... in on your conversation with an "Oh, yeah but... you know what happened to me?" and so forth. If it was a woman, she'd be a busy body. Just because it's a guy though... he's now known as "Gotta see what's going on-guy". Annoying in either male or female form. Avoid this one if you have a headache and you don't want it getting any worse. Don't say I didn't warn you. Otherwise harmless and not providing any real function to the circle of life as we know it.

I'm more important that you-woman : Why do I put female gender on this one? because it seems most often than not it's a female doing this to me. I stand in line and turn my head ( NOT my body mind you) to see something and there she is standing in front of me. Was she behind me a second ago? Yep! Does she care that she just cut in line? Of course not. She has things to do, places to be, conquests to make. She can often be found yapping on her cell phone. NOT to be confused with a soccer mom but boy oh boy this is probably the training ground for them. You hold the door for them ( as my momma taught me to do as a young lad for women) and they just walk right through as though you owe it to them. You say rather loudly "You're welcome" and it doesn't even phase them that they didn't say thank you as a decent human being *should*. Unless you really have something important to do or somewhere to go, they are also harmless. Make no mistake, though. WE all owe them something in life and they'll be damn sure you'll give it to them or else!

I have money and I'm going to show it off- woman : Again. I feel it necessary to point out it's more the females I've seen do this. Sure, men do it lots as well but not so much. You can often find this woman with enough jewelry to choke a horse and she doesn't mind flaunting it and making you feel bad. This type of person will take I'm more important than you-woman and have a cat fight with her if they crossed paths. Nothing verbal directly to each other, mind you. Just a lot of "tsk's" and comments to anybody that will hear how rude the other is. The younger they are the worse they are. I've seen daddy's little girls actually stamp their feet when they didn't get their way. No, I mean it. literally stamping the foot as each word was spoken as though it gets them further along in the point of the conversation. Call it an adult hissy fit if you will. The male of this species will be "alpha male-esque" with another male or overly domineering with a sexual undertone to another female. These people create HUGE issues and are far from harmless. Once they get it into their heads they don't like you, others like them in seats of actual power can and will make your life a living hell. Avoid these types of people at all costs. The men have money. The females more often than not have men that have money. Where can you find them mostly? Ironically enough in Wal-Mart and K-Mart shopping for things that look flashy and more expensive than they really are. Silly, huh?

I have money and nothing to prove-guy : This is a RAREEEE breed of human. I've seen no more than three males and only one ever female of this breed. Why only one female? Because women are catty bitches and always have something to prove. Men just don't do that. You can often see the male dressed down wherever he goes. Painfully so. Everybody else is wearing slacks and dress shoes/shirts. This guy has jeans with a crease in them and a golf shirt and docksiders ALL the damn time. How does he differentiate himself from the common man? He's usually got an ass-expensive Rolex on his wrist. Of course, he NEVER looks at it. That would be acknowledging his wealth. He has it, but he doesn't need it. Flashy car? Nope. Sensible car. His flash is in his bank account and the more he visualizes himself in a crowd as "I don't care" the better he feels you know he's above and wayyyyyy beyond you. Can these guys do harm? MUCH more than anything you know. Will they? Nope... that would just be wrong. Remember, they're above all that nonsense. Besides, it requires energy. Something this crew is not apt to spend on you or anything else truth be known. Very slack people.

I'm 17 and know everything girl : Most of you would say this is any teenager. I digress. Most often it is but this girl has special qualities. These are where I'm more important than you-women start. Talky little bitches that have an opinion about every God damned thing in the world and it's the right one, you bastards! Sure, they only know their facts from overheard conversations heard third hand but they're going with it. When it's the male of the species they eventually give up and just turn all "Emo" on you. Not the female, though. She will claw and scratch you until her dying last breathe until you see it her way otherwise you're a total ass-face. If they have hippie tendencies, they are UBER protesters. If they have political tendencies, they go to college and become devout Democrats but only because they heard somewhere it was cool and the right thing to do. They know nothing of where the light comes from when they flick the switch. They know food is in the refrigerator when they open the door. Therefore, they are an authority on everything. Never... I repeat NEVER ask this human what their thoughts are on something. No matter what yours are you are wrong and you need to be corrected. Again, harmless but head splittingly painful if you get caught by one of them. They hang out in malls and trendy stores mostly. Avoid them like the plague. Damn annoying little twats.

Big man on campus-guy : I should warn you all that the title is mis-leading. This breed need not be in college. Quite often it's just a social gathering. He HAS to be the center of attention, though. It's not about money. It's not about power or prestige. It's all about fame and charisma. If his head stone read "Damn, what a blast to be around" he'd be in the coffin smiling. This breed is NOT to be confused with somebody that has that "look at me, I'm important" syndrome like I know everything girl up there. Not by a long shot. This is the guy that will jump off the roof into a kiddie pool just to have everybody tell him what a crazy bastard he is. I wouldn't call it attention whore so much as I would call it an insecurity issue. If he were a puppy he'd scratch at the door and whine whenever master left because he's afraid of being left alone. Separation anxiety, maybe? Whatever the case this breed is dangerous. Hanging with him will land you in jail. More than likely for something stupid like lighting your farts on fire in the middle of the movie theater kinda deal. Avoid but only after an hour or so. Until then they're harmless and actually kinda funny. After that the crazy ideas start brewing and before you know it somebody has a cheese grater stuck against their balls for some reason. Where can you find this one? Go to a kegger. ANY kegger. I dare you not to find one. When two are there it's hella fun watching them compete for a while.

Beautifully painful girl : Let me tell you that this chick has issues. ANY life is better than her own. It just has to be. She spends her days longing for good weather so she can go dress up as some old England renaissance wench. When the weather is rainy, she is at her best writing poetry. Tim Burton movies are made for this girl/woman. I say could be a woman because these type never find happiness and they grow old with it. Goth/Emo/Larper... all the same. It's just one big sigh in life. Why they had to be born "Sara Smith" and not "Annergoth, raven of the mysts" is beyond her. She works in record stores in the mall or possibly at Blockbuster. Why? Because she spends all of her time listening to music and watching movies alone. Only the Emo/Goth/Larper boy will ever fully understand her. Even then it's only enough to get where she's coming from, but never fully know what lays beneath the surface. If only I could be an actual Vampiress in old Victorian times, I'd be truly happy. You see where I'm going? Is she dangerous? No, as long as you like cutting and looking up to the Columbine kids as simply "misunderstood". Yeesh... this type will at best make you feel like life is an accident and has no meaning. Stay away from these ones for any length of time. Totally buzz-kills.

Folks, I could go on and on for hours about all different people. I really could. But I think I made my point. I can spot these ( and many more ) types of people in 30 seconds or less. Dunno why it is. They all find common ground with me though for some reason or another. I can talk to any one of them about anything they wish and they'll walk away from it feeling understood. Of course, I can piss any one of them off in under 3 minutes as well. I just know my way around people is all. Can my gift be painting or sculpting? Nope. What about picking lucky numbers or winning at blackjack? Guess again. My gift is spotting people and dealing with them on their level if that makes any sense. Call me the great communicator, if you will. I'm just as confused by the whole thing as you are reading it. Whats it worth? probably nothing but a blog post. But hey.... I owed ya *something* to read, now didn't I? ;)

Be good, fuckers.

My penis, my friend.

First of all, happy 7-7-07 for no good reason. I really don't believe in the whole karma thing but frug it. Happy whatever day it is for no good reason.

Ok... as you all well know, I don't post regularly. It's not like I'm not near a computer every day. I just don't see it necessary to bore you all with every nuance and detail about my everyday goings on in life. I'm pretty sure I could put three really good posts a day together and maybe one will entertain you to no end. I'm pretty sure if I put effort into this I can link pictures and youtube videos and make this all slick as well. Do you need to hear about my revelations dealing with fat free sugar free ice cream? I don't think so. You need me to link a video that you've no doubt seen a hundred times for a chuckle? Nope, we don't need no stinkin' video's here either. Why don't I put in the time or effort into any of this, you ask? Let me introduce you to somebody near and dear to my heart.

My Penis.

You heard me right. Men will no doubt understand what I'm talking about here. Women will be mystified and no doubt have images of me typing with one hand on my penis. *takes hand off penis*. Ok, maybe you're right but I tell you what, my penis is my best friend. This will be a tough concept to understand for you women folk, but the penis is man's best friend ever ever EVER in his whole life. A man will die for the honor of another. Go ahead and ask him to cut off his penis and live though. See? We just won't do it. Women have about 30 best friends in their life from beginning to end. A guy has one or possibly two. The first one being his penis. Let me show you for a moment how the penis process works for us and perhaps you can understand.

me : Wow, this looks like a good car and priced with value in mind.
penis : is there a possibility of us getting laid with it?
me : I dunno. Possibly.
penis : We must buy this car then.

See how it works? We pass EVERYTHING by our penis for judgement. Purchases. Outings. Vacations. Getting coffee. You name it. You think I'm kidding? Take another look...

me : Let me just pop on the computer here and have a look at some work related issues.
penis : Uhm... what are you doing?
me: I'm going to look at some things dealing with work. Maybe post a blog about the fat chick I saw ordering fat free sugar free ice cream today with a grocery bag full of twinkies and then...
penis : Whoa whoa whoaaaaaa.... you know there's free porn a click or two away, right? We need to see some porn. Here, let me do the clicking for you.
me : but I have things to do and I'm gonna be late for the....
penis : Look. Do you wanna see Halle Berry's tits and maybe download some pirated music or not?
me : I've already seen the tits and have gigs worth of music.
penis : Have you seen Phoebe Cate's tits recently? You know we love Fast Times at Ridgemont High.
me : OK, ya got me. I'm a sucker for tits from a teen angst comedy during my puberty years.
** 3 hours pass by and much clicking ***
me : ha ha ha ha ha ha..... is that a 2 foot dildo glued to him or his penis? I can't tell. Click and see if we can find a different angle on the whole thing.
penis : I own you.

You see how it all works now, folks? I start going to ebay to look for a part I need or a chemical coating site for new methods in my industry. Before I know it I'm spending hours on the Internet typing porn bloopers into Google search engines. I'll be damned if I know exactly how it gets to that, but it gets there. At least you know why I don't blog every day. It's not that I don't have a myriad of interesting stories to tell you. I guess I just get sidetracked is all. The guys reading will understand. The ladies will no doubt look at me strangely and shake their heads.

Now if you'll all excuse me. I feel the need to do a search for "Cheerleaders who crave sex from 30-something fat hairy guys". Wish me luck.

HELP! My balls are on fire!!!!

Hey, let me ask you all a question. How often do you hear the above phrase "Help! My balls are on fire!!!!", hummm? Probably not very often. As a matter of fact, I can only think of a very few instances where you actually would hear it spoken.

Instance one : A man actually has his balls on fire. Pretty self explanatory,yes? I'm guessing a strange propane grill accident of some sort.

Instance two : A group of young men ( more than likely fraternity hazing age) are in a group and madcap hilarity ensues for comedic effect.

Instance three : A male alone, usually doing something stupid that he doesn't figure would make his balls feel as though they were one fire.

OK. Pop quiz time. Which one of the above would you put as me saying? Here's a hint. I didn't grill lately and I don't belong to a fraternity. Can ya guess? Can ya? Time's up. Instance three was the winner.

Allrighty, let me lay it all out for you. We'll label this one under "men do stupid things sometimes". You ladies should love this. Don't think you won't get a little of the blame on this one though. Your brood isn't totally without fault here. I, like most men, can attribute most of my unlikely series of circumstances to some woman somewhere whether she planned it to be that way or not.

So here I was in the shower this weekend. I'm staring at this shower caddy FULL of woman only type products. There's your standard loofa and assorted kiwi-lime bliss explosion soaps and such. *sniff*sniff* Hmmmm.... I'm smelling particularly gamey this afternoon. Let's pamper our self with something off the shelf of wonderment, shall we? Oh? This looks nice. *wipes soap from eyes* something about scrubbing and exfoliating. What the hell. I'll give the pits and boys a good scrub and smell fresh as a daisy, ya? ( This is where you will take mental note where I should read better in the shower). Lemme see here... a nice handful from this little tube thing. OoooOoo... it's kinda tingly. *rubs briskly*. Heyyyyyy, that's nice stuff. Oh my, getting a little warm too! Where the hell have I been with just my bar of soap and single bottle of shampoo? These women have it kinda niiiiiiiice. I should probably check out the HELP! HELP! GODAMNIT!!!!! My Godamned balls are on fire!!!!!! HELPPPPPPPP!. *grabs shower head and positions himself awkwardly to rinse off as best he can*. Jesus holy hell owwwwww. Quick. Must-stop-burn-now-argggghhhh. *grabs something that says peppermint*. AhhhHhhHHhHHh..... holy Christ that was a HELP! HELP! HELP! My balls are in liquid nitrogen!!!!! GAHHHHHHHH! *rinses off again awkwardly*

Folks, you have NO idea what kind of trauma I put my boys through in a very short time in that shower. I couldn't believe what the hell happened. Upon reflection my first mistake was not reading (ya think?). The first small bottle I grabbed was Nutrogena warming facial apricot scrub. One would think it was just some sort of soap but noooooooo. Warming in this case, obviously means slamming your nuts onto a hot campfire rock and letting them sizzle until burnt. How you women put this on your faces I'll never know. The second mistake was grabbing the peppermint exfoliating foot scrub. I'm thinking double mint stick of peppermint and what actually took place was empty your home air conditioner of all it's freon and sitting your crotch in it. To make it worse it had this ungodly grit in it that I can only describe to the fellow men reading this as those pumice rocks you find in lava bar soap only some evil troll got the bright idea of making them sharper somehow.

For the men out there. I'm not talking the kind of "nut experience" you get when you foomf a little gold bond powder on your boys and enjoy the day with a tingle. I'm talking full metal jacket Private Joker going apeshit in the bathroom stall terror. I'm like most of you. I'll go a little loopy when I hear I can get a tingle on the jewels and try something different. THIS was something way the fuck over on the left side of different,though. DO NOT ever grab that lady exfoliating tingle crap and try it EVER in your life. Ya hear me? I took one for the team here BIG TIME and can tell you first hand it's not worth the trip. Stick with the bar of soap or maybe the body wash in the shower.

Ladies. How in the HELL do you even necessitate not putting those hazmat warning labels on things when you know we're gonna be in the same shower as you. I blame you for this one because you know damn well we're stupid. Soap is in the eyes. Steam everywhere and one of us is mistakenly going to grab this shit and you all know it. Sadistic little tarts that you all are. I can hear the cackles from here so knock it off already. One comment from any of you and you can forget the little topiary garden we'd shave on you to keep things trim and tidy. I'll personally grab a leg and shear you like a damn sheep if you don't take some of the blame on this one. Admittedly it was stupid but you also have to admit these things don't belong where we can reach them.

Goddamn, that was hot. Excuse me whilst I go lay my sack over a Popsicle or something.