Anybody remember that Seinfeld episode where Jerry gets a little happy with the trimming shears? Then he winds up completely trimming his chest hair off because he can't get it all even? I feel his pain now. No no.... I didn't shave it all off but lemme tell ya's something, I came close this weekend. REALLY close.
It's a holiday weekend and I'm sitting here bored. Hey, you know what? I should really take advantage of the time and do a little manscaping. Yeah, that's the stuff! *runs upstairs and gets the new clippers out*. Of course, I should tell you ladies that ALL men trim somehow, somewhere at sometime. It's just how it is. We're hairy baboons with very few table manners. Every so often we do a little maintenance ourselves, you know. So anyways, I get out the new trimmers. I threw the old ones away because they were old and dull. *Sniff* Ahhhhh. Fresh out of the box scent like a brand new G.I. Joe action figure on Christmas Morning.
Side note ; Is there anything better than the scent of a "new" something? I submit that there is not. New car, new toy, new clothes, etc. I totally dig why chicks get this natural high from shopping. I'm wise enough to know I don't buy any damn thing I want, but still. The moment you walk into a store and everything has that fresh "buy me" smell. It's a good thing but dangerous at the same time. Maybe this is why I hardly buy anything new. I'd probably turn into some sort of shopping whore if I ever won the lottery. My purchases would be cars and suits but what the hell. I could get into it I suppose.
At any rate, there I am standing naked like some fat bloated warthog with my new razor. "Hmmm, this one's different from Old Clippy" I think to myself. Let's try it on this setting. Buzzzzzzzzzzz. OK, there's a bit off there. Maybe a new attachment. This one's too long. Buzzzzzzzzz. That seems about right. Damn the torpedoes and full steam ahead Mr. Christian! ( even the casual reader to this blog will note that this is where something horrible is about to go wrong because yes, I am my own worst enemy). I wonder when the next time I'll be able to do this is? Probably a long time. I better do everywhere. Yeah, good thought. I'm a damn genius! BuzzzZzZZzZZzZ....arms.....buzzzzzzzz...chest........buzzzzzzz...... EVERYWHERE.... buZzZzZZzZzZz. Hey hey! Lookit all that hair. I must have been OH MY FUCKING GODDDDDDDD! I wasn't extra hairy *insert B-movie ghoulie movie scream effect here* I ....I..... I took it all off! Zoinks!
Well after I woke up after fainting to the floor and picked all the hair clippings off my tongue, I came to my senses. It seems as though perhaps I didn't shave it all right down completely. You have to understand, though. When you take off your t-shirt and somebody asks why you put on a sweater, anything gone is a lot. You combine that with a new electric razor that has a setting somewhere between 70's afro puff and marine crew cut and well, you get what I got.
Old Clippy was the best. I knew that razor and had no problems. This new one? Jebus, I dunno. First of all the blade is really sharp. Once it moves it's gonna clip down whatever it sees. Secondly, Old Clippy had "the" magic setting. This one is either 1/2 past old clippy or 1/2 below. I chose the below and now I have 5 o'clock shadow on my chest arms and ass. What was the next logical step? Powder! A-HA! I'll not chaff and just foomf on some talcum and be all set. *foomf*foomf*foomf* Niiiiiiiiiiiice. Well now, this isn't too terrible.
You'd think that would be the end of our hero's saga. I'm sad to say it's only the beginning. You see. One has to put clothes back on after this ordeal. At first it was fine because the skin was overly sensitive. It's sort of like walking around with a desensitizing suit and then you get to take it off. All strange and new. Quite different and exciting. Sort of like watching a new George Clooney movie and it doesn't have "Ocean's" in the title. Totally rad, right? Wrong! The powder wore off and now my asshole is grabbing at my underpants. My armpits are getting chaffed because the chest hair that used to be there holding the shirt at bay from movement is now gone. Oh, my ass and balls? We're not even gonna go there as to how things are moving around and tugging right now. We're just not but I'm sure the boys here know the term "bat wings" and what it is. Ladies, you DO NOT want to hear it from me. Trust me on that. Go ask the man in your life what bat wings down his pants are and he'll get a sour look on his face that tells it all. Not good.
You know what? Unlike the "My Balls Are on Fire" post, this one has to be dealt with for weeks to come now. Hair just doesn't magically grow back over night you know. I'll have to be vigilant with the care of my boys and powder frequently. The shirts will have to be extra loose. Lord knows what kind of underpants I'll have to wear. I can't go commando. Stubble against denim? Are you effing serious? It's gonna be a nightmare. It looks like I'm smuggling a newborn baby Sharpei puppy in my crotch right now and all's I can do is wait it out. *sigh* This is gonna be a bad few weeks. I can see this one a mile down the road. Any tips?
Youtube video of the day : If ANYBODY out there loved the movie Highlander as well as ADORES Robot Chicken yet LOATHES teen angst stars like Hillary Duff.... this one is for you. 4 minutes of bliss coming your way in 3.....2......1......
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21 comments:
I've had a similar experience, I won't go into it now, but I can sympathize.
As for the bat wings, try wearing briefs for awhile.
am I the only guy that doesn't know what bat wings are?
Captain ~ I'm just dumbfounded on this one, I really am. How could something with such good intentions go so awry so fast? It's like when Britney Spears was unleashed upon the world.
Cuda ~ are you kidding me? You aren't an official member of the "guy club" yet. Go out and get yourself a 6-pack of Schlitz and 4 slim-jims and sit in the corner until you've thought about it.
I really think the best advice 4 u is to stay out of the bathroom unless u r in a sitting position. Stay away from anything in a bathroom cabinet, on a shelf, or does not have your name written on it in a sharpie. Next time u r bored, take Fido 4 a walk.
Vick ~ heh, it always seems to be the bathroom where I have my mishaps. They say that most of the home related accidents happen there ya know. You may me on to something. hmmmmmm.......
Um, I'm a guy and I don't trim. And now I never will.
a man who is fully shaved, and when i say fully i mean with a razor--no hair at all--so hot! the feeling of a 'bald' man and me on top (i'm bald) omg i can't explain the feeling to you. it's just great. so clean and my willingness to give a blow job if you are clean shaven--120%. i have gotten just about al the men in my life to shave and let me tell you the sex is awesome. it might not feel that different for the man but for the woman and her clit--it's like baby jesus singing in the background while you are having sex.
Where I come from we refer to "batwings" as "bstl" (balls stuck to leg) but batwings is a little more creative, I think. And good choice sparing the ladies the batwings description. I wasn't so fortunate.
Wait a minute did you just write about shaving your WHOLE body? Really? That’s hot. Totally did it for me…reminded me of that scene in 40 yr old virgin.
MsP
Oh my god. I so hope that "baby jesus" becomes the new euphemism for shaved balls.
"So, what you got going on down there, sugar? You got a hairy jesus, or what?"
"Why, no, ma'am. I'm baby jesus all the way!"
I am well familiar with the agony of shaving body hair. That's why I wax. You stay smooth for a long time so it's quite worth the horrible, horrible pain, outrageous cost, and embarrassment of listening to an old Brazilian woman curse over the hairiness of your cooch.
Captain ~ I only hope it doesn't replace my favorite. The "Jon Benet".
Prunella ~ What you call a horrible time, we men call a solid Friday night out with the boys ;)
I'm at an age where eyebrows piss me off. You don't have to put your back out, and besides what could go wrong? Plus you don't have to undress, and PLUS everybody you know can enjoy your handiwork for about a month.
Coop.... Jewish black women like Whoopi Goldberg happen when eyebrow plucking goes horribly bad. Take a look where her eyebrows *should* be the next time you see a pic. I rest my case.
Still, though. I feel your pain,man. *pats on the shoulder* I'm half eyebrow hater on my father's side.
Shoot me your blogger email.
Be careful...it iches when it grows back ;)
Mort ~ mine? scmods@yahoo.com . For a second there I thought you saw the light and were asking for D.O.t.M's e-mail. Mort.... come to the trimmed side, Mort. *darth vadar exhale*
Lolly... *scratches* way ahead of ya. Epp... pass the powder please. Thanks. Such a sweetheart. *foomf*
Did you shave your head (the one on your shoulders), too? I have a weakness for bald men.
Anyway, I totally wanted Hillary Duff to win.
Finally, men are feeling our pain. It takes a lot of work to look well groomed! ;)
BB ~nope, no head shave but jeez I've really been threatening to do it the past few years. No real reason other than I wanted to see what it looked like. If I had to guess, only some version of a cross between a Bald Bradd Pitt and a bald Tom Cruise. That's just a guess though ;) You were really rooting for "the Duff"? I would have totally pegged you to be on the Lohan...Loan...Lone.... team.
Steph.... I have a whole different perspective with women now. First I always wondered how you dealt with having hairy wildebeasts hitting on you. Now I'm wondering how many times the freak factor was just multiplied by having ones with stubble hit on you,lol. So.... whaddya doing later anyways? :P
I'm laughing so hard my stomach hurts. Why oh why can't I write like this. Just pathetic I guess.
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