It's a vibrator, right?

Ok, I know I promised a post about Russtopia ( note to self, find out how to do that little Trade Mark thingy). This is just a really quick blurb,though.

This new razor. The one meant for women and buzzes with a battery in it. It's.... it's a vibrator in disguise, right? I'm talking about the Venus Vibrance you see up above there. How can it not be? Weigh in on this one please, ladies.

Jesus... if only they made pocket pussies attached to soap on a rope the playing fields would be level. You women have the shower toys so good and nobody says anything about it.

Vick's in a bad way

I'm gonna make a prediction. Michael Vick is gonna commit suicide. You heard me... he'll do himself in soon enough. Why you ask? His life has gone downhill in a MAJOR way ever since April. Somebody somewhere hadda have it in for this guy. There's just so much going on right now it's like it is orchestrated. Take a look...

http://www.optonline.net/News/AP/Article?articleId=335413&categoryId=22

For those that don't want to click the link, here it is in brief. They came to his house looking for drugs. They found them and a pit-bull fighting ring. In addiction to that, he lost his job as a ball tosser. The NFL basically fired him for the drugs, but the dog thing added into it. Now they want more than 20 million in bonuses back. An Indiana bank is now suing him for 2 million in unpaid business loan. A Canadian bank is suing him for 2.3 million in bad real estate investments. He now faces felony charges in Virginia for the dog thing.

Holy crap the list just goes on and on. This guy is a walking time bomb. I definitely see an O.J. thing coming up in his future. Like I said, I calls it like I sees it. He's gonna swallow him a bunch of pills and go nighty night.

The next post...... Russtopia explained! ( pay attention all you knee jerk Communism conspiracy theorists. I'm doing this for you ya know,lol.)

I should post about the obvious, but......

Yeah yeah. I know I should post about the obvious crap that everybody else is posting about. I just can't help myself to bring you something different, though. I know some bloggers are doing the "what's the deal with anal" bit. Others are keeping huge wars over Britney's baby issues and meat curtains flapping about ( thank you Puddin' ). I want to talk to you about my latest obsession, though.

Kat Von D.

I don't usually like this type. That is to say, the rocker retro funky look. I usually go for the plane Jane's with a bit of flair perhaps. This one though? Wheshooooo-weeeee. I'd like to take her for a cruise in Cunning-ville if you catch my drift. Before you jackasses start whining about the flabbitude hanging over her pants or some such. Lemme tell ya's all that I've never liked a woman that's built like Mary Kate Olsen. That unrealistic anorexia look just makes me wanna vomit. No sirs and ma'ams, I love me a real gal. Gimme something to grab onto and not have it feel like I'm hugging a skeleton. Not fatty pig fatty, but a REAL gal. Gimme hips and tits over ribs and bony knees anyday.

So what else has been going on. Oh yeah. I solved the world's problems. Well, as far as quality of living goes, anyways. I slowly need to become supreme ruler of the world while nobody is looking but I have a master plan. First off, everybody is legal. You heard me. Everybody is legal. I usually go into a tirade about illegal immigrants and how we're pussifying ourselves by letting them step all over us. I got it all wrong, though. Make everybody legal and nobody has to hide. The real problem at hand is everybody working. Once everybody works, we can enact plan Alpha. It's simple. I start up little communities of like minded people to comprise what I like to call the beginnings of "Russtopia". The housing, electricity,heat/hot water and all the like. Totally free. You heard me fuckers.... free. All's you have to do is abide by some simple rules. You work. That's rule #1. You have to become a productive member of society to validate your existance. Rule 2... 65% of your gross income goes to the good of Russtopia. Shut the fuck up you whiners. 65% is not even close to what you are pulling out of pocket right now to live and you know it. Most all of us are living paycheck to paycheck and losing ground every day. I'm giving you a roof over your head and no worries as far as freezing your asses off at night in winter. Combine that with gated/walled community where you are 100% safe from the crimes of most towns as well as a bunch of other things ( cable, phone, etc etc etc) and it's a good deal.

I'll probably make a dedicated post to Russtopia in the near future but I tell you, this idea has legs. The idea isn't to be totally spewed out in this post, though.

What else has been going on.... hmmmm.... They awarded that James Brown looking woman from NY for being called a bitch and then fired when she wasn't doing her job anymore. Way to go affirmative action assholes. You know what this is going to do now? It'll make people not want to hire women for fear of lawsuits is what it's gonna do. It's all part of the touchy feely bullshit that's going on in the world. Get over it and get used to it. You're not all special little snowflakes that need to be praised every time you wipe your asses correctly. The world is a harsh place. Once in a while you get called a bitch. I get called names on a continual basis. Hating work is part of life and so is the baggage that goes along with it. We all have bad days. They aren't worth 11 million, though.

Topps Beef Company is officially out of business. Bad cheap burgers for the masses I guess wasn't such a good idea. Well, maybe it was a good idea until they found E-Coli in the beef. Jesus... it's getting so you can't even cash your foodstamps in on some good low grade horse meat anymore. Good riddance, Topps. Your burgers sucked ( I tried one once. It was all just pink colored fat anyways) and now you have to pay 70 million in fines for it all. If I were you guys I'd go find me a good lawyer to sue the bastards who sold ya's the bad meat in the first place. Either way you slice it, there's gonna be some hungry Wal-Mart burger buying people out there. Perhaps now is the time I should start my new line of Cunning Linguist brand mostly beef patties. Hmmmmmm

Jeez, what a work rush.

Sorry about not posting, folks. It seems I have a work rush every 6 months or so and it gets the better of me. I don't know why it happens, it just does. For you all life goes on. For me it's suspended animation time. I havn't been able to catch up on anybody's blogs or even the news for that fact. Did Britney lose the babies? Hell, for that fact is she sane again or still on the nutjob kick. You guys have to fill me in.

Here... keep yourselves entertained with an impossibly addictive game while I spend a day to catch up on all of you. You know the deal.... parouse the blogs. Harass all of you in posts. Scan for new ways to leave sexually charged innuendo's ( yes, I'm speaking directly to you, Captain. jloltpyo ).

waste 5 minutes here

War for $41 -or- How Capital One credit card company is gonna get my foot up their asses

I know it's been suggested that anything over 250 words loses the reader. I have a lengthy post so I need a way around that. One thing that always keeps me reading is the 'ol conversation technique. With that in mind, I'll waste my 250 words on the subject giving you some background.

About last Oct./Nov. I had the good fortune enough to pay off all of my debt. All of it. No more credit cards. No more loans. No more anything. I was officially beholden to no-one and nothing with exception to my day to day bills. It's a good thing, right? Sure it is. If you can manage it, I highly suggest the number one thing you do is eliminate the credit card debt. If you ask me, it's the number one reason in this country people are claiming bankruptcy. The interest charges are insane. The debt only piles up higher and higher. NO GOOD can become of having credit cards. Yes yes, I understand the nature of being stranded and you just need that emergency plan in place. I have one card in my wallet that I keep for such things. No annual fees. No big interest rate. But I don't use it. As a matter of fact, I've never used them up until a few years ago and I got into deep water fast with them. It's just too easy to.

Before any of you hooligans start crying that "Gee Russ, You can't buy a house or get a car loan without credit" and such nonsense, let me tell you something. I bought my first house without ever owning a credit card. I got my first new car/loan without ever having a credit card. It's just not necessary. Credit is a scam put into place by lending institutions. Plain and simple. What would you need credit for if you don't have a credit card? Bullshit I say. Pure bullshit, credit scores and the like.

Anyways. So I get this piece of mail the other day. Hmmmm.. looks odd. Not like your usual "sign here for our free credit card" type offer ( which I usually just throw in the shredder). Lemme open it and see what's up. *tears open envelope*. What is this? It's a credit card bill? This is IMPOSSIBLE! Annual membership fee.... late fee.... yadda yadda yadda. I better call up. I'll save you the trauma I went through with the voice prompts. Suffice to say they want EVERYTHING automated. You just can't talk to a real life human being. Ok, then. You want it that way? Let's play. I start hitting all kinds of buttons to screw the account and lock it up. First I raised the credit limit. Then I requested it lowered. Then I cancelled the card. Then I tried to re-instate it. Then I asked for a duplicate card. Then I reported it stolen. Well.... that last one seemed to have done the trick. I heard the old "Hold for the next available operator" chime in. Mind you, I'm already a good half hour into the mess so I'm good and pissed. Here's how the conversation went....

Tommy ~ Hello, Mr. So-and-so. Can I have the proper spelling of your name, mother's maiden name, sperm sample, promisary note of the first born and anything else that might make your life difficult to let me know this is you? ( I'll tell you right now that "Tommy's" real name was probably Rashneesh Falaffel Patel Jr. because I got hooked into India. On top of everything, there's a good 3 second lag in speaking and even then the guy barely spoke english. Pissed? You don't even know)
Me ~ Uh.. blah blah blah, sperm sample papers here and uh... hey, I shaved my ass last week. Here's the blog post to have a chuckle over.
Tommy ~ Very good sir. What can I do for you today? I see that you want to.... you want to.... what is it that you want to do with your account?
Me ~ It's supposed to be cancelled. WHY IS THERE A BILL IN MY HANDS? I cancelled it last Novemeber. Can you see that? I specifically cancelled it and now I'm getting A GODAMNED BILL. Explain to me why I have a bill in my hands, Tommy. Explain it.
Tommy ~ Well sir, I see that you asked for a credit increase. Is that what you want today?
Me ~ Tommy? Can you hear me properly? Listen closely. I CANCELLED THIS CARD IN NOVEMBER OF 2006. I PAID IT OFF IN FULL. CONFIRM PLEASE. ( half yelling because of the bad phone line, half because I want to kill Tommy).
Tommy ~ Well sir, I see that you asked for a credit increase right here. And ..... well, then you asked for it to be cancelled. Then you asked for...
Me ~ Tommy, Tommy, Tommy. I know about that. I did all that on purpose because there is NO way of just getting a live human being on the phone to talk to. Ignore all that. I want to know why there is a 41 dollar balance on something that should have been cancelled almost a year ago. CONFIRM PLEASE ( note : you can be the most annoying nice person in the world if you keep repeating one phrase or even the person's name over and over again as it it were an exclamation point. It's an old trick I learned long ago. You don't believe me? Try repeating somebody's name after every sentence when you are pissed and having a discussion with them. It drives them bonkers and messes them all up).
Tommy ~ Well Mr. So-and-so... I'm sorry about the voice operator prompt not being clear. We are aware of the problem and are working on it. I assure you that Capital One Credit company is on top of the operator prompt issue and I....
Me ~ TOMMY! Stay with me here. I'm going to say this plainly and slowly so that we know what to focus on here. I cancelled this card back in November. I paid the balance in full. I owe you NOTHING. I will pay you NOTHING. No 41 dollars, Tommy. No mailing of the check, Tommy. No anything with your company anymore, Tommy. Find out why this was not cancelled,Tommy. Reverse the charges, Tommy. If you can't help me then I will hold for a manager that can assist me, Tommy. ( see how annoying that is now? lol) CONFIRM PLEASE.
Tommy ~ Please hold, sir.
~~~~ holding for no less than 10 minutes and multiple games of solitaire ~~~~
Tommy ~ Are you there Mr. So-and-so?
Me ~ Yes, Tommy. I'm here with you. We'll get through this thing together ( calm voice now, because I'm playing "good cop" and therefore letting him know I can be reasonable. The choice is hiw which he gets from here on out ). Have you been able to go back and see where and how I do not owe you anything? Do you see my dilemma now?
Tommy ~ Yes sir, I see the history of the account now. It's currently billed 29 dollars for the membership fees and because you chose not to pay it, there has been a late fee added on.
WRONG FUCKING WORDS, ASSHOLE!
Me ~ TOMMY! Tommy, is this call being recorded, Tommy? ( still calm). It is? Good. I want this statement recorded. " I do not owe Capital One a GODAMNED thing. I cancelled this back in Novemeber of 2006. As per YOUR company's intructions, I stopped using the card. Can you see activity on it since last year? No? Good. You know why that is? Because I CANCELLED IT. Now, if you people see fit to un-cancell me, then I will see fit to SUE THE LIVING HELL OUT OF CAPITAL ONE in court. For 41 lousy dollars the amount of bad press you get will be unreal. Not only will I not pay this bill due to YOUR error, I will create so much of a headache for you in the legal system you'd think you were fighting for the baby of Anna Nicole Smith". Did you record all that, Tommy?
Tommy ~ Please hold, sir.
~~~~ Tommy probably goes off and explains to his manager what kind of a loon he has on the line. Probably explains how for 41 dollars I'm freaking out. No doubt, Tommy asks who the hell the baby of Anna Nicole Smith is and has to look it up on the internet and just why Capital One would want to gain custody of the little tyke ~~~~
Tommy ~ Sir?
Me ~ ( very VERY calm voice now. Almost too mellow. As though I'm cleaning a shotgun or perhaps sharpening an axe blade). Yeassss, Tommy?
Tommy ~ Well, sir. I have been assured by my managers that this matter is now resolved and all of the charges have been reversed. If you would be so kind as to destroy the card I'll see to it....
Me ~ The card was destroyed back in Novemeber, Tommy. ( just said that to be a prick. I know the 3 second lag trips him up and he has to re-gather his thoughts with the speech his manager's told to give)
Tommy ~ Uh....huh? Oh! Very good sir. Thank you for doing that. Well then, if you just adhere to the guidelines of not using the card I assure you it will all be considered over and clear with no ill effects on your credit rating. Is there anything else I can do for you today?
Me ~ Yes, I want your full name. A number where I can call you DIRECTLY and a confirmation number of this process, Tommy. I trusted you people back in November of oh-six and look where it got me. I'm not going through this again. I swear to you if this is not cleared up by next billing cycle I WILL be getting my lawyer. He loves crap like this.
Tommy ~ Well sir, I uh... me? ( ha ha ha ha. I finally got the guy from another country to be flustered. He was doing good and being professional up until now. Unreachable because he's a tybillion miles away as it were. Now that he knows it's his tit in the ringer he's not so happy about it. None-the-less, he gives me the info anyways)The number here is such and such, my name is so and so. You confirmation number is blah blah blah. Anything else, sir?
Me ~ Nothing further, Tommy. You've been most helpful. I will call back in 15 days to see that this matter is cleared as you say it is. I assume this conversation is still being recorded. "If it is not resolved in 15 days, I will give no further chances or warnings. I will see to it that Capital One spends an ass load of money in legal fees defending against credit fraud and I'm more than certain I will win because this has been a repeat of last time when I talked to you people. I paid well over 12 thousand dollars off in one shot and was thanked for my business. I was confirmed cancelled before and found it to be a lie. I will have no pity or mercy when in litigation with your company and most certainly will bring it to every bit of press I can find while doing it" Hey Tommy...... you have a good day now, ok? Buh-bye.

*click*

There ends ( I hope ) one of the many hours in my past few days since a post, folks. Tons of other things happening... dog has a growth in his mouth. Have to get it taken out. Maybe cancer, maybe not. I hope not. Caddy blew a water pump and uh... what else. I dunno. Tons of other things not worth mentioning. If everything isn't in turmoil around me it isn't normal, I suppose.

Too many thoughts in a jumble

I could be one of those people that if left near a computer during the day that would make a billion posts. I think I'll just try to sum up things going through my head lately as opposed to making a dedicated post about something. If it strikes you, make a comment. I'm sure there'll be something in here for everybody.

Whoopi Goldberg ~ Can you be any more of a douchebag? You UNDERSTAND what Michael Vick did and are actually condoning it? What kind of fucking stupidity is that? This "I'm with him because he's black too" shit has gotta stop, folks. Really. If Vick were white would she have come out on the view and said that we all have to understand his actions were simply a result of his upbringing and said it so calmly? Need I remind you people that he not only bred dogs for the exclusiive purpose of tearing each other apart, but when they didn't perform he hung them from trees or burnt them alive? Hey Whoopi.... FUCK YOU!

Man-Hug revisited ~ It happened again last night with my buddy Charlie. I took a half step back as he was going for it and wen't "that's ok" and the bastard took a half step forward and did the "oh c'mere you" move. I swear somebody keyed him into my post about it and he did it on purpose. Is there no chance of ever getting out of this thing? More research is needed on the evasion tactics, I feel. I'll bring the results to you as they come in.

Stubble Nuts ~ Wow. I see posts on how to make a million dollars doing nothing don't generate a comment. Make one teensy tiny little confession about how you shave your ass and they come out of the woodwork, though. Is that how it has to be around here? You people scare me. Oh well, I guess it's off to see what a proper shave with a razor will make things. From what you women say I'll all have you taking deli numbers for a turn. Who can refuse that? Not me, that's for sure. *sigh* The things I do for comments and prolonged oral. Somebody's gotta do it for chrissakes.

Mouse in the House ~ I'm officially on the hunt. It's getting cool and I live on a lake. What does that mean? It means that all the little hoppies and crawlies want to make my home thiers for a winter nap. Not so fast you little rat bastards. I'm ready for your asses this year. I went out and bought no less than 40 dollars of exotic means to either deter/erradicate/kill/maim your rodent asses. I'm gonna go full on terminator because I don't want you scratching under the house or in my walls anymore. I do promise you this though. In my purchases I bought a have-a-heart mouse trap. It catches and doesn't kill. If I catch one of the little fuckers I'll name him after a post-er here and keep him in a cage as a pet. How I'll ever explain to anybody that I have mice with the names like "That cantaloupe fucking Captain" or some such, I'll never know. I give you my word that I'll do it, however. Maybe we can have a contest about it all. Of course, I have to catch one of the little fuckers first. That's the tricky part.

The Dream Interview ~ Another great idea by yours truly. I think I'm gonna ( or rather I want to ) do some posts calld "20 Questions With....". Maybe I'll even start with Lozo seeing as how it's his blog that inspired me to do this crap. More than likely he'll tell me to fuck off or something but who knows. 20 GOOD questions, though. None of this A/S/L crap. Dave, if you are reading this gimme a nod if you think it'd be ok to shoot you an e-mail where you answer 20 random questions and then I can post it here. If not, then maybe I'll move onto one of you other fine folks. Personally, I think it'd be neat to have a little blogebrity type interview somewhere. Maybe we'll all learn something new about an individual or get introduced to a new blog we've never seen before because of it. I assure you.... however they write the replies, I will post them verbatim. No funny business going on. Thoughts?

That's about it. No slick pics or vids because I'm a little crunched for time. Like I said, no real one thought in particular to make a post. Just mentally upchucking a few things in your general direction is all. Excuse me now whilst I go research what type of razor is exactly the best to shave your balls with. Be good, fuckers. And if you can't, e-mail me the pics. ;)

Manscaping 101

Anybody remember that Seinfeld episode where Jerry gets a little happy with the trimming shears? Then he winds up completely trimming his chest hair off because he can't get it all even? I feel his pain now. No no.... I didn't shave it all off but lemme tell ya's something, I came close this weekend. REALLY close.

It's a holiday weekend and I'm sitting here bored. Hey, you know what? I should really take advantage of the time and do a little manscaping. Yeah, that's the stuff! *runs upstairs and gets the new clippers out*. Of course, I should tell you ladies that ALL men trim somehow, somewhere at sometime. It's just how it is. We're hairy baboons with very few table manners. Every so often we do a little maintenance ourselves, you know. So anyways, I get out the new trimmers. I threw the old ones away because they were old and dull. *Sniff* Ahhhhh. Fresh out of the box scent like a brand new G.I. Joe action figure on Christmas Morning.

Side note ; Is there anything better than the scent of a "new" something? I submit that there is not. New car, new toy, new clothes, etc. I totally dig why chicks get this natural high from shopping. I'm wise enough to know I don't buy any damn thing I want, but still. The moment you walk into a store and everything has that fresh "buy me" smell. It's a good thing but dangerous at the same time. Maybe this is why I hardly buy anything new. I'd probably turn into some sort of shopping whore if I ever won the lottery. My purchases would be cars and suits but what the hell. I could get into it I suppose.

At any rate, there I am standing naked like some fat bloated warthog with my new razor. "Hmmm, this one's different from Old Clippy" I think to myself. Let's try it on this setting. Buzzzzzzzzzzz. OK, there's a bit off there. Maybe a new attachment. This one's too long. Buzzzzzzzzz. That seems about right. Damn the torpedoes and full steam ahead Mr. Christian! ( even the casual reader to this blog will note that this is where something horrible is about to go wrong because yes, I am my own worst enemy). I wonder when the next time I'll be able to do this is? Probably a long time. I better do everywhere. Yeah, good thought. I'm a damn genius! BuzzzZzZZzZZzZ....arms.....buzzzzzzzz...chest........buzzzzzzz...... EVERYWHERE.... buZzZzZZzZzZz. Hey hey! Lookit all that hair. I must have been OH MY FUCKING GODDDDDDDD! I wasn't extra hairy *insert B-movie ghoulie movie scream effect here* I ....I..... I took it all off! Zoinks!

Well after I woke up after fainting to the floor and picked all the hair clippings off my tongue, I came to my senses. It seems as though perhaps I didn't shave it all right down completely. You have to understand, though. When you take off your t-shirt and somebody asks why you put on a sweater, anything gone is a lot. You combine that with a new electric razor that has a setting somewhere between 70's afro puff and marine crew cut and well, you get what I got.

Old Clippy was the best. I knew that razor and had no problems. This new one? Jebus, I dunno. First of all the blade is really sharp. Once it moves it's gonna clip down whatever it sees. Secondly, Old Clippy had "the" magic setting. This one is either 1/2 past old clippy or 1/2 below. I chose the below and now I have 5 o'clock shadow on my chest arms and ass. What was the next logical step? Powder! A-HA! I'll not chaff and just foomf on some talcum and be all set. *foomf*foomf*foomf* Niiiiiiiiiiiice. Well now, this isn't too terrible.

You'd think that would be the end of our hero's saga. I'm sad to say it's only the beginning. You see. One has to put clothes back on after this ordeal. At first it was fine because the skin was overly sensitive. It's sort of like walking around with a desensitizing suit and then you get to take it off. All strange and new. Quite different and exciting. Sort of like watching a new George Clooney movie and it doesn't have "Ocean's" in the title. Totally rad, right? Wrong! The powder wore off and now my asshole is grabbing at my underpants. My armpits are getting chaffed because the chest hair that used to be there holding the shirt at bay from movement is now gone. Oh, my ass and balls? We're not even gonna go there as to how things are moving around and tugging right now. We're just not but I'm sure the boys here know the term "bat wings" and what it is. Ladies, you DO NOT want to hear it from me. Trust me on that. Go ask the man in your life what bat wings down his pants are and he'll get a sour look on his face that tells it all. Not good.

You know what? Unlike the "My Balls Are on Fire" post, this one has to be dealt with for weeks to come now. Hair just doesn't magically grow back over night you know. I'll have to be vigilant with the care of my boys and powder frequently. The shirts will have to be extra loose. Lord knows what kind of underpants I'll have to wear. I can't go commando. Stubble against denim? Are you effing serious? It's gonna be a nightmare. It looks like I'm smuggling a newborn baby Sharpei puppy in my crotch right now and all's I can do is wait it out. *sigh* This is gonna be a bad few weeks. I can see this one a mile down the road. Any tips?

Youtube video of the day : If ANYBODY out there loved the movie Highlander as well as ADORES Robot Chicken yet LOATHES teen angst stars like Hillary Duff.... this one is for you. 4 minutes of bliss coming your way in 3.....2......1......

I wish I knew how to post youtube videos.

I havn't a clue how to make it so the video thingy appears instead fo a link. I tried and I tried. I guess I'm just a dumb poopy head or something. You'll all just have to exert pressure on your forefinger on a link and gimme a pass on this one.

ok, THIS LINK is THE BALLS if you grew up a male in the 70's and 80's. It's just a parody of Star Wars done by dome pretty funny guys is all. I don't know why, but it cracks me the fuck up something terrible, though. If you're a fan of the movies or remember them and want to have a snicker, click the link. 6 lousy minutes never tasted so good.

Here's another youtube video. It's one of those "almost was great" bands from the 80's. I'm talking about Steelheart. Remind me to make a post to initiate you on the tragedy of Steelheart and how they met up with fate one night. Anyways.... Mili "Mike" Matijevik and Steelheart never fully reclaimed their throne as 80's badasses. Such a pity. Here they are a few years ago doing an acoustic of Electric Chair. Mili, if you're reading this post I give you and your voice mad respect my friend. Have your peeps get in touch with me and I'll hire you out a gig when you come to this area. I only have one request. You play the song linked to just now because it's more awesome than 2 hookers and an 8-ball of coke. That's a Cunning Linguist seal of approval right there my friend. For all the female readoers... yeah yeah yeah. I read all the "he's hottttttttt" posts already. No need to duplicate it here.

Finally..... we have this video that proves I'm not the only one on the planet that hates soccer moms from hell. This poor guy gets hit ( not hard, but still hit) and the PIG driving doesn't even bat a fake eyelash out of place. Soccer moms everywhere. This is why people hate you.

peace out, fuckers.

The half hug ~ half handshake

Yeah yeah... I know I haven't posted in a while. Shut the fuck up and deal. I was on vacation. Hopefully the gratuitous tit shot above will make the anger subside. Anyways.....

Can somebody please explain to me how the fuck this thing came into existence? I gotta tell you folks something. I really can't stand people touching me*. This goes for family and friends alike. I'm not even going into people I don't know here. Well, that is of course unless you're a hot chick that wants sex. Then it's all good. Nope. I'm talking about the "guy" touching thing that has to be stopped. I was usually O.K. with the handshake thing. Hell, do the double-hand-clasp handshake thing and I'm still fine with it. That's where I draw the line, though.

I first noticed it from my lifelong buddy Charlie. Maybe last year or so when I say g'bye he starts with this whole "Hey buddy, it was good seeing you again" thing. Right as I'm giving the 'ol perfunctory handshake deal he leans in for that half hug-handshake deal and I gotta do it too. It kinda freaked me out because if anybody knows I hate being touched it's him. ( shut up. No, YOU'RE the homo. ) Hell, I don't even let my own kid climb on me for a piggy back ride. It usually goes something like this ~ "OK, OK... that's enough. Gotta get off now. I'm uh... I'm old and you're gonna break me". So anyhoo, Charlie does this weird move that I have to comply with and now it's stuck. What the fuck is up with that? For those of you that don't know what I'm talking about, it sorta goes like this. You grab the hand with a firm grip and give it the good old fashioned "1-shake". Then you bring the elbow in to your side and the other buddy does the same. As that happens, you both lean in for a firm slap on the back guy style. Usually if it's a really good old friend that you haven't seen in forever, you give UP TO three slaps on the back with your left hand, but no more. It's a total guy gesture that supposedly emotes friendship and acceptance but I don't see it that way. It just freaks me out is all. Why do I tell you this?

So here I am at my sister's 40th surprise birthday party. We all had a good time and the food was decent I guess. At the end of the night I'm saying my goodbye's because I have a crazy long drive in front of me. Out of nowhere my father comes up and says g'nite. Get this! He does the half hug/ half handshake thing to me! WTF!?!?!? I get stuck somewhere in the middle of "OK pop" and "I dunno... I really don't know you that well, do I?" I gotta do it. What kind of an ass would I be if I refused it? Huge probably. I mean, the guy is ex-airborne ranger and retired Teamster trucker. The half hug thing is not something that he does. Do I now read too much into it now and think he's got some sort of incurable disease? The whole thing totally throws me.

Let me explain for those of you that think I have intimacy issues. I really don't. It's just that my particular brand of showing affection lays somewhere between "let me buy you something" and a polite wave. Where's Vickie in all of this? She can tell you I'm a pretty sensitive motherfucker. I just DO NOT like the whole touch me thing about humanity is all. Who dreamed up this whole godamned guy-hug thing anyways? Do I need to be more in touch with my vulnerable side or something? I don't think so to be honest with you. I tell you what ( for those that I've never met or those that I don't do this with). We'll see each other face to face for 5 minutes and then when we have to part ways I'll just do it to you out of nowhere. See how awkward that will be? Do you pull a Seinfeld and just "nahhhh, I don't think so" and refuse it? You just can't! That's my point. You're just drawn into this thing with no possible way out and it's all weird if you're not expecting it.

Lemme tell ya's something. The next time it happens I'm gonna refuse it and see what happens. I don't care who it's from. I just need to see the results of what happens. For all I know I could possibly be the first guy in all of humanity who's attempted the guy-hug brush off for all I know. It could go horribly wrong. Maybe not. I know this crap has to be stopped, though. What's next? Walking down the street hand in hand wryly looking at a fresh baked baguette like some French bisexual indie film couple? The thought makes me wanna puke.

By the way. THIS GUY is a must see ( for my fellow male friends out there ). He's my new hero. I simply must move to NYC now and get a video camera.

*this does not include wanna be hooter waitresses who like to give oral pleasure.

Ragu Soccer Mom Lunacy

Ok, so I'm shopping at my local grocery store the other day and what do I see. A jar of Ragu pasta sauce with this on the top. "Ragu Soccer mom shortcuts" Open for nutritious easy-to-prepare meals & snacks.

Now. You all know my unbridled hatred for soccer moms and their ilk. If you don't, then go to some of my first ever posts and you'll see how I loathe them. This though... I couldn't pass this one up. I just had to buy the jar of stupid sauce to see what the deal is. Why? The same reason men have to look at Vogue or Vanity Fair. I need the inside scoop as to what's going on in the world with these evil little trolls. Call it knowing thy enemy if you will.

Anyways.... let's open this little pamphlet type diatribe and see what has to be said, shall we?

We hear you, soccer moms! Between your work and homework, play dates and practices it's not always easy to give your kids the good nutrition they need. Ok, hold the fuck up right there. What mystical uber-mom is Ragu targeting here? Work AND homework. Play dates AND practices. It's like every soccer mom has gotten to the stature of Wonder Woman for chrissakes. All that AND a mother as well? You've gotta be kidding me. How do these little trolls find the time to do it? All of the soccer moms I've ever seen are lazy good for nothing yip-yaps who could use a swift kick in the ass. ( Again, read my previous posting on exactly what type of soccer mom I'm referring to here. I'm not talking the 30's something here.)

That's where Ragu comes in. With a few jars at home and some other ingredients, you've got all the fixings for a full playbook of simple ways to feed your family right. In fact, Ragu Pasta Sauce is and always has been all-natural with no additives or preservatives. And every 1/2 cup of Ragu delivers a much needed serving of veggies! Does anybody note the Satanic advertising gimmick going on here? First of all you have to buy a few jars of this ass flavored sauce. Next, it'll be so damned easy to whip something up with everyday ingredients you'd be a horse's ass not to be able to succeed. Did anybody even notice where Ragu implied kids weren't eating correctly with the ever taxed help of the soccer mom? "Much needed serving of veggies". See that? Without Ragu soccer moms everywhere have been failing miserably. Lastly, it WILL BE nutritious. Keep that in mind because I'm about to go into overdrive at some of their ideas here.

Kids Dig Dipping! There's something about dips that turns ordinary snacks or sandwiches into a special treat. Even better when that dip contains full servings of veggies. So, for a change from cold ketchup, serve a bowl of warm Ragu on the side and let the dipping begin. Again with the fucking veggies. Yeah yeah I get it. Soccer moms only give their kids raw steak and sugary soft drinks for consumption. As much as I hate their kind, I'm beginning to hate Ragu even more now for insinuating that we don't feed our kids properly. And since when do people throw bowls of cold ketchup to dip with on the table? My mom never did that.

Ok, here's some wonderful recipe ideas that they share with you. Are you ready for this? I feel the need to point out and remind you that the keywords of meal, nutritious and they eluded to fun to be had for all. Let's see what they came up with at the Ragu kitchen, shall we?

Dippin' Dogs ~ String cheese in a hot dog bun makes for nutritious dipping fun. Whatttttttttttttttttt!?!?!? Did you just suggest I put a hunk of cheese into a starch wrapping and eat it after I've smeared it in a bowl of spaghetti sauce? Lemme look at that again. They can't have. Yeap. They sure enough did. Bread and cheese. Sort of like a string-cheese dog. You gotta be kidding me. There can't be anything nutritious about that nor can I call that a meal. Let's see what else they suggest.

Grilled Cheese Please ~ Choose your cheese, grill until gooey, then cut into bite-size dipping squares. You're telling me the brain trust at Ragu just came up with something new and it's called a grilled cheese? That can't be right either. It just can't be. If that's true, we've all been stealing the ideas of the mighty Ragu for years and never knew it. My mom made this dish for me as a kid I think. Yeah, I remember it now. Two pieces of bread. Cheese of her choosing. Hell, she even grilled it until gooey and cut it. I had better go tell her to knock it off or Ragu's gonna sue the ever loving shit outta her if they catch wind of this. Everybody stop making this stuff or there's gonna be trouble. Hey, did you all catch how this "meal suggestion" was WAY different from the last one? I mean c'mon. The last one was just bread and cheese. This one is.... well it's um...... Hey wait, isn't this one bread and cheese too? I must be seeing things.

Ragu Fondue ~ Serve cut up veggies, meatballs or turkey, cheese or bread cubes on toothpicks for dipping in heated Ragu Pasta Sauce. Bwaaaaaaa ha ha ha ha ha ha. What is it with these people and bread and cheese? Not to mention did you ever try taking a broccoli stalk that's raw and eating it dipped in warmed up spaghetti sauce? Make me friggin barf! Your kids will most certainly go for it though. Hell, try it with carrots and bell peppers for that fact. By the way... if I'm going to make meatballs, would I just put it on bread with some cheese ( smirk ) and call it a meatball parm? Hey look, Ragu. You just forgot a new invention there guys. Better invent that in the next book.

Speaking of next book. The last page of this handy little leaflet says in big letters.... FREE! Soccer Mom Shortcuts Book. 32 colorful pages packed with simple ways to feed your family right...not to mention ways to pass the time on the sidelines too! Visit www.ragu.com Good while supplies last. Holy hell in a hand basket, batman. They can't be serious. I can get more of these crazy simple yet highly nutritious "meals" from Ragu? I just have to do it now. I'm way beyond the soccer mom hatred at this point. My attention has been diverted solely to Ragu Pasta Sauce and it's wisdom for the time being. That's not saying I don't hate soccer moms with every fiber of my being, because I assure you that I do with a passion. I've just got to go to the website and find out what sort of bullshit this company is doing now. Think about it. Ragu has teamed up with soccer moms now to give their children and even bigger life of hell with this shit. Hey Ragu.... thanks a bunch for doing your part to single handedly latch on to a group of people that don't know their ass from their elbow and making profit from it. You people have got to be the worst I've seen in quite some time. I hope you all get kicked in the nuts with soccer balls now. You deserve it.

As for you, soccer moms. I don't often side with your ilk but I have to give you this advice. DO NOT give your kids fucking string cheese on a hot dog bun and think you did a good job for your child's nutrition. If you fall for it, you deserve to have obese little fat assed good for nothing kids. You can wonder why there's shows like they have where they show you a 200 pound 6th grader all you want. We all know it comes from you selfish little piggy's. Yet another reason to hate you in my book. You have a chance to turn this all around but I doubt you will. Bunch of selfish yip-yap douchebags that you are. I'm just pointing it out is all.

Hey Ragu......... you can suck me too, bitches.

Myspace whores and assholes

OK. I don't have a myspace account anymore and haven't for quite some time now. I took a short perusal there just a little while ago and it's the same old tired crap it's always been. I should preface this whole post saying that if you have one or you like the place, hey great. All the more power to you. I just can't deal with that self serving bullshit anymore. It's all about putting up a picture ( fake or not) and people saying "gosh ur hotttttt" or some garbage like that. Excuse me, I don't need that self important ego boost like little girls do. It's just damn stupidity page after page I tell you. This runs rampant with both the males and females of ALL ages.

The same goes with break.com and the like. Now they have little piss and moan wars about who gets to be on the front page and how it's not fair, etc etc etc. Doesn't anybody have anything better to do with themselves anymore these days? Are we not de-nutted enough to be this touchy feely society these days? Now everywhere I go on the web I have to start paying compliments and stroking immature ego's to soothe the internal spoiled brat within the owner of said page/video?

I bring this all up because I got into a discussion the other day with some people. It seems the "younger" generation is hopping and skipping around the work place environment needing this type of petting. THAT is just sad. I knew this shit would happen too. Now, I don't want to pull the old "in my day" routine because I'm not that old but puh-lease! What ever happened to strong ethics in this country? No wonder people are hating us left and right. NOW do you all see what standing little Timmy in a corner and then coddling him 3 minutes later has done? Look at sad little Suzy over there as well. She hasn't gotten her daily pat on the head and ration of praise. Now we've all created a monster who's in a constant state of PMS.

I want *some* of the good old days back. Enough with this political correct mamby pamby touchy feely crap. If I have to hear "something-American" one more time I'm gonna pitch a fit as well. Get over your race bullshit. You're not an African-American. You're not a Mexican-American. Putting that hyphenated crap before American to the rest of us just demeans your forefathers and makes you "Less-American". You know that don't you? You were born here and this is what you are. You don't catch us trotting our asses all over the place and calling ourselves an "American-African" or an "American-Englishman" do you? Of course not. It'd just be stupid to do such things.

Oh hello. How are you? I see you have an American accent. "Why yes... that's because I'm an American-Australian" you know. Respect my diversity.

See how stupid that is? GUHHHHHH, it makes me sick.

I want All in the Family back. I long for the Archie Bunker days. How about re-making Chico and the Man, Hollywood? Why not, you bring everything else back to life and beat it dead again. Good movies like Animal House maybe. Do you think we could ever get away with another Mel Brooks History of the World type movie again? I should say not. Not only would the people who work on the set have to be given awards just for showing up, the NAACP would have a riot in the streets banning it all over the place.

Lighten up with the PC and ego stroking people. We're not all deserving of "wow, you're hotttttt" and yours truly is at the top of the list. Hell, I'm the leader if that helps put somebody in front of the whole thing. You're also not a something-American. You live here.... you're an American. If you don't live here, then that's all well and good too. I respect that. 'nuff said.

New business ideas for the lazy

Ok, I have some of THE all time best business ideas sometimes. Let me expound on a little gem that I've been dreaming up lately. For the record, if I see ANY of this shit out in the real world I'm gonna want a cut because I said it out here in the open first.

Allrighty. What can ya do when you're too lazy to have a viable skill? Become compliment guy/gal. You heard me. Charge 50 bucks for a 10 minute jaunt into boosting somebodies ego and it'll be the easiest money ever made. This is a double edged sword because you can be ego deflator guy/gal as well. Think of the money you could be raking in with this puppy. Birthdays. Divorces. Hell, celebrate that new dress size you just squeezed your butt into, I dunno. The point of it is that you get a friend who gushes your virtues in front of others for the length of a few minutes and you officially "da man" ( or wo-man if the case may be ) in front of your peers. An example if I may? Sure, why the hell not. Let's just say you're a guy and needs to strut the 'ol peacock feathers around some co-workers at lunch down at the local sandwich-ateria. No problem. Hire one of the compliment guys to walk up to your table and it may go something like this in front of your buddies. For the example, your name is Bob and he's Mark an obvious part time jockey short model.

Mark : Bob? Bob Randolph? I thought that was you, ya old dog you.
You : Heyyyyy, Mark! My old school chum. What's this, twice in the last 3 days I've run into you? Gotta be a co-incidence.
Mark : Yeap, that's right. Last time I bumped into you was at ( insert bar name here). Hey, what ever happened to you the other night? I was talking to you one minute and then the next..... oh wait. You didn't mack on that chick did you? *good hearted chuckling* TELL ME you didn't you bastard! Dammit! I KNEW I shoulda went for that one.
You : Yeah, sorry about that one pally. Had I known.....
Mark : ( to your friends ) You know what this wolfhound does? I'm sitting there trying to hook up with this REALLY hot number and he flies under the radar and snags my dime. Jesus he's a sly one
You : Whoa whoa whoa there, pally. If memory serves you moved away to go check out the rest of the room. I can't help it if I closed the deal ahead of you. *more good hearted laughter of one-upsmanship*
Mark : Bob 'ol boy... you have THE gift I tell ya. Promise me the next time I bump into ya I at least get a chance. You owe me you bastard!

You see how it can all play out? Some friggin Fabio comes up to you, Joe normal and you won the hand. You're a godamned hero in front of your friends and more than likely a legend around the office for a good few days. Money, fame, office cuties staring you up and down. It can only get better from there. Oh, and don't think you women can't benefit from this service as well. You'll be Shelly and the hired gun will be Tanya..... an obvious part time Victoria's Secret swimsuit model.

Tanya : Shelly? SHELLY? ( girl squeals and mock running toward you) OMIGOD! It is YOU! ( fake hugs ). I haven't seen you in FOREVER! Let me take a look at you.
You : Tanyaaaaaaaaa! ( fake hugs back) Everybody, this is my old college girlfriend Tanya. Tanya.... everybody.
Tanya : Ya know, I was JUST thinking about you the other day too. How insane is that? My God, you haven't changed a bit since we last did lunch. Ugh... hair to die for and am I wrong or have you actually gotten THINNER! ( mock stamping of the feet). You bitch! (giggles) you have, haven't you. I am so jealous.
You : Oh stop. You're just being silly now.
Tanya : ( to the rest of your group) I'm not kidding you. Don't let her pull a fast one on you. I remember many a night in the dorm with this one. Always out with THE cutest guys on campus and did I ever see her even have to study ONCE?!?!?!? Same old Shelly, ladies. She doesn't even know she has THE perfect purse I bet, do you Shelly? See? Just comes natural to this one without any of the effort. It's a good thing I'm not the jealous type ya know ( more fake giggling).

Ok, you can say it out loud. I'm a motherfucking absolute dyed in the wool business GOD, right? Think about it the other way around now. Let the imagination roam with it. It's Bob's birthday up there and Tanya walks by. The guys at the office chipped in for a paltry fee and she gives him the goods. I don't know the exact line but it's gotta be something devastating like " Oh hi... I didn't recognize you. How's that whole buying a girl a cheap draft beer and wanting to take her home thing working out for you? Still failing like the other night with me?" and then she walks away with a strut. No doubt comedy gold and good ribbing for the birthday boy gets his birthday smacks for a day. The possibilities are endless.

No typing. No filing. No heavy lifting. Absolutely NO true work of any kind needed but there's good money to be made. I can see this going nationwide and becoming a big thing. It'll have a killer slick Internet site and probably be featured on the news as the hot new thing. C'mon now.... you KNOW damn well I thought up a good one here. I'll..... I'll.... I should get started on this and....and and..... Oh hell. You do it. STILL too much work for me. Just cut me in for my 10% and I'll be happy. What can I say. I'm still too lazy for even this idea. Damn, that's pretty lazy.

Hey, how about a post.

See? I told you I don't have the every day where-with-all to keep a decent blog together. Not that anybody comes on here and looks at this crap anyways. But hey, whatever. I'll verbally puke up a nice pretty hairball for my 1 1/2 readers now I guess.

Lemme see.... I'm gonna try to wrap up the whole last however long I've been gone into something cute here. I guess I'll just go into how I'm an observationalist because I watch people so much. Of course mind you, I have one inane gift. Ok, maybe two gifts ( orally pleasing women is a given so of course I have to have 2 official gifts in life donch'a know). My gift is sizing somebody up in 30 seconds or less. I don't know what good that does me or how I can make money off of it but it's there. By the way, if anybody can tell me how to make money off of something like this I'd be eternally thankful and even cut you in for a slice. Salesman maybe? Nah. Supreme ruler of everything? OK, maybe I'll go for that.

Anyways....... I'm the official neutral person wherever I go. I have two best friends who find it painfully terrible just to be sociable to each other and it's because they are polar opposites. Why do I tell you this? Because it leads me to explain why I'm such an observationalist. NOBODY gives second thought to the guy ( or gal ) who's common ground. Nothing good or bad to say. Nothing terribly one sided or another. This person gets to just sit back and watch, though. What do I get to see? Hoo boy, lemme tell you. I see lots. I read body language and listen more than I talk. This allows me to be privy to information about humanity. Again, I have NO clue how this will make me money but I'm willing to listen to your advice on my new career path about the whole thing.

Gotta see what's going on-guy : OK, this guy can often be found in a traffic jam getting out of his car and starting the whole thing off by standing on the floor of his car peering down the road looking for some explanation why he isn't moving. Next he closes the car door and marches his ass down in the direction of the stoppage to get a grip on what's going on. On the way back to the car he has no issues telling everybody what is going on. It doesn't matter if it's true or not. He's the guy that had the moxy enough to take the situation by the throat and stick his big fat head in there somehow. These are also "self important" people. You know the type... in on your conversation with an "Oh, yeah but... you know what happened to me?" and so forth. If it was a woman, she'd be a busy body. Just because it's a guy though... he's now known as "Gotta see what's going on-guy". Annoying in either male or female form. Avoid this one if you have a headache and you don't want it getting any worse. Don't say I didn't warn you. Otherwise harmless and not providing any real function to the circle of life as we know it.

I'm more important that you-woman : Why do I put female gender on this one? because it seems most often than not it's a female doing this to me. I stand in line and turn my head ( NOT my body mind you) to see something and there she is standing in front of me. Was she behind me a second ago? Yep! Does she care that she just cut in line? Of course not. She has things to do, places to be, conquests to make. She can often be found yapping on her cell phone. NOT to be confused with a soccer mom but boy oh boy this is probably the training ground for them. You hold the door for them ( as my momma taught me to do as a young lad for women) and they just walk right through as though you owe it to them. You say rather loudly "You're welcome" and it doesn't even phase them that they didn't say thank you as a decent human being *should*. Unless you really have something important to do or somewhere to go, they are also harmless. Make no mistake, though. WE all owe them something in life and they'll be damn sure you'll give it to them or else!

I have money and I'm going to show it off- woman : Again. I feel it necessary to point out it's more the females I've seen do this. Sure, men do it lots as well but not so much. You can often find this woman with enough jewelry to choke a horse and she doesn't mind flaunting it and making you feel bad. This type of person will take I'm more important than you-woman and have a cat fight with her if they crossed paths. Nothing verbal directly to each other, mind you. Just a lot of "tsk's" and comments to anybody that will hear how rude the other is. The younger they are the worse they are. I've seen daddy's little girls actually stamp their feet when they didn't get their way. No, I mean it. literally stamping the foot as each word was spoken as though it gets them further along in the point of the conversation. Call it an adult hissy fit if you will. The male of this species will be "alpha male-esque" with another male or overly domineering with a sexual undertone to another female. These people create HUGE issues and are far from harmless. Once they get it into their heads they don't like you, others like them in seats of actual power can and will make your life a living hell. Avoid these types of people at all costs. The men have money. The females more often than not have men that have money. Where can you find them mostly? Ironically enough in Wal-Mart and K-Mart shopping for things that look flashy and more expensive than they really are. Silly, huh?

I have money and nothing to prove-guy : This is a RAREEEE breed of human. I've seen no more than three males and only one ever female of this breed. Why only one female? Because women are catty bitches and always have something to prove. Men just don't do that. You can often see the male dressed down wherever he goes. Painfully so. Everybody else is wearing slacks and dress shoes/shirts. This guy has jeans with a crease in them and a golf shirt and docksiders ALL the damn time. How does he differentiate himself from the common man? He's usually got an ass-expensive Rolex on his wrist. Of course, he NEVER looks at it. That would be acknowledging his wealth. He has it, but he doesn't need it. Flashy car? Nope. Sensible car. His flash is in his bank account and the more he visualizes himself in a crowd as "I don't care" the better he feels you know he's above and wayyyyyy beyond you. Can these guys do harm? MUCH more than anything you know. Will they? Nope... that would just be wrong. Remember, they're above all that nonsense. Besides, it requires energy. Something this crew is not apt to spend on you or anything else truth be known. Very slack people.

I'm 17 and know everything girl : Most of you would say this is any teenager. I digress. Most often it is but this girl has special qualities. These are where I'm more important than you-women start. Talky little bitches that have an opinion about every God damned thing in the world and it's the right one, you bastards! Sure, they only know their facts from overheard conversations heard third hand but they're going with it. When it's the male of the species they eventually give up and just turn all "Emo" on you. Not the female, though. She will claw and scratch you until her dying last breathe until you see it her way otherwise you're a total ass-face. If they have hippie tendencies, they are UBER protesters. If they have political tendencies, they go to college and become devout Democrats but only because they heard somewhere it was cool and the right thing to do. They know nothing of where the light comes from when they flick the switch. They know food is in the refrigerator when they open the door. Therefore, they are an authority on everything. Never... I repeat NEVER ask this human what their thoughts are on something. No matter what yours are you are wrong and you need to be corrected. Again, harmless but head splittingly painful if you get caught by one of them. They hang out in malls and trendy stores mostly. Avoid them like the plague. Damn annoying little twats.

Big man on campus-guy : I should warn you all that the title is mis-leading. This breed need not be in college. Quite often it's just a social gathering. He HAS to be the center of attention, though. It's not about money. It's not about power or prestige. It's all about fame and charisma. If his head stone read "Damn, what a blast to be around" he'd be in the coffin smiling. This breed is NOT to be confused with somebody that has that "look at me, I'm important" syndrome like I know everything girl up there. Not by a long shot. This is the guy that will jump off the roof into a kiddie pool just to have everybody tell him what a crazy bastard he is. I wouldn't call it attention whore so much as I would call it an insecurity issue. If he were a puppy he'd scratch at the door and whine whenever master left because he's afraid of being left alone. Separation anxiety, maybe? Whatever the case this breed is dangerous. Hanging with him will land you in jail. More than likely for something stupid like lighting your farts on fire in the middle of the movie theater kinda deal. Avoid but only after an hour or so. Until then they're harmless and actually kinda funny. After that the crazy ideas start brewing and before you know it somebody has a cheese grater stuck against their balls for some reason. Where can you find this one? Go to a kegger. ANY kegger. I dare you not to find one. When two are there it's hella fun watching them compete for a while.

Beautifully painful girl : Let me tell you that this chick has issues. ANY life is better than her own. It just has to be. She spends her days longing for good weather so she can go dress up as some old England renaissance wench. When the weather is rainy, she is at her best writing poetry. Tim Burton movies are made for this girl/woman. I say could be a woman because these type never find happiness and they grow old with it. Goth/Emo/Larper... all the same. It's just one big sigh in life. Why they had to be born "Sara Smith" and not "Annergoth, raven of the mysts" is beyond her. She works in record stores in the mall or possibly at Blockbuster. Why? Because she spends all of her time listening to music and watching movies alone. Only the Emo/Goth/Larper boy will ever fully understand her. Even then it's only enough to get where she's coming from, but never fully know what lays beneath the surface. If only I could be an actual Vampiress in old Victorian times, I'd be truly happy. You see where I'm going? Is she dangerous? No, as long as you like cutting and looking up to the Columbine kids as simply "misunderstood". Yeesh... this type will at best make you feel like life is an accident and has no meaning. Stay away from these ones for any length of time. Totally buzz-kills.

Folks, I could go on and on for hours about all different people. I really could. But I think I made my point. I can spot these ( and many more ) types of people in 30 seconds or less. Dunno why it is. They all find common ground with me though for some reason or another. I can talk to any one of them about anything they wish and they'll walk away from it feeling understood. Of course, I can piss any one of them off in under 3 minutes as well. I just know my way around people is all. Can my gift be painting or sculpting? Nope. What about picking lucky numbers or winning at blackjack? Guess again. My gift is spotting people and dealing with them on their level if that makes any sense. Call me the great communicator, if you will. I'm just as confused by the whole thing as you are reading it. Whats it worth? probably nothing but a blog post. But hey.... I owed ya *something* to read, now didn't I? ;)

Be good, fuckers.

My penis, my friend.

First of all, happy 7-7-07 for no good reason. I really don't believe in the whole karma thing but frug it. Happy whatever day it is for no good reason.

Ok... as you all well know, I don't post regularly. It's not like I'm not near a computer every day. I just don't see it necessary to bore you all with every nuance and detail about my everyday goings on in life. I'm pretty sure I could put three really good posts a day together and maybe one will entertain you to no end. I'm pretty sure if I put effort into this I can link pictures and youtube videos and make this all slick as well. Do you need to hear about my revelations dealing with fat free sugar free ice cream? I don't think so. You need me to link a video that you've no doubt seen a hundred times for a chuckle? Nope, we don't need no stinkin' video's here either. Why don't I put in the time or effort into any of this, you ask? Let me introduce you to somebody near and dear to my heart.

My Penis.

You heard me right. Men will no doubt understand what I'm talking about here. Women will be mystified and no doubt have images of me typing with one hand on my penis. *takes hand off penis*. Ok, maybe you're right but I tell you what, my penis is my best friend. This will be a tough concept to understand for you women folk, but the penis is man's best friend ever ever EVER in his whole life. A man will die for the honor of another. Go ahead and ask him to cut off his penis and live though. See? We just won't do it. Women have about 30 best friends in their life from beginning to end. A guy has one or possibly two. The first one being his penis. Let me show you for a moment how the penis process works for us and perhaps you can understand.

me : Wow, this looks like a good car and priced with value in mind.
penis : is there a possibility of us getting laid with it?
me : I dunno. Possibly.
penis : We must buy this car then.

See how it works? We pass EVERYTHING by our penis for judgement. Purchases. Outings. Vacations. Getting coffee. You name it. You think I'm kidding? Take another look...

me : Let me just pop on the computer here and have a look at some work related issues.
penis : Uhm... what are you doing?
me: I'm going to look at some things dealing with work. Maybe post a blog about the fat chick I saw ordering fat free sugar free ice cream today with a grocery bag full of twinkies and then...
penis : Whoa whoa whoaaaaaa.... you know there's free porn a click or two away, right? We need to see some porn. Here, let me do the clicking for you.
me : but I have things to do and I'm gonna be late for the....
penis : Look. Do you wanna see Halle Berry's tits and maybe download some pirated music or not?
me : I've already seen the tits and have gigs worth of music.
penis : Have you seen Phoebe Cate's tits recently? You know we love Fast Times at Ridgemont High.
me : OK, ya got me. I'm a sucker for tits from a teen angst comedy during my puberty years.
** 3 hours pass by and much clicking ***
me : ha ha ha ha ha ha..... is that a 2 foot dildo glued to him or his penis? I can't tell. Click and see if we can find a different angle on the whole thing.
penis : I own you.

You see how it all works now, folks? I start going to ebay to look for a part I need or a chemical coating site for new methods in my industry. Before I know it I'm spending hours on the Internet typing porn bloopers into Google search engines. I'll be damned if I know exactly how it gets to that, but it gets there. At least you know why I don't blog every day. It's not that I don't have a myriad of interesting stories to tell you. I guess I just get sidetracked is all. The guys reading will understand. The ladies will no doubt look at me strangely and shake their heads.

Now if you'll all excuse me. I feel the need to do a search for "Cheerleaders who crave sex from 30-something fat hairy guys". Wish me luck.

HELP! My balls are on fire!!!!

Hey, let me ask you all a question. How often do you hear the above phrase "Help! My balls are on fire!!!!", hummm? Probably not very often. As a matter of fact, I can only think of a very few instances where you actually would hear it spoken.

Instance one : A man actually has his balls on fire. Pretty self explanatory,yes? I'm guessing a strange propane grill accident of some sort.

Instance two : A group of young men ( more than likely fraternity hazing age) are in a group and madcap hilarity ensues for comedic effect.

Instance three : A male alone, usually doing something stupid that he doesn't figure would make his balls feel as though they were one fire.

OK. Pop quiz time. Which one of the above would you put as me saying? Here's a hint. I didn't grill lately and I don't belong to a fraternity. Can ya guess? Can ya? Time's up. Instance three was the winner.

Allrighty, let me lay it all out for you. We'll label this one under "men do stupid things sometimes". You ladies should love this. Don't think you won't get a little of the blame on this one though. Your brood isn't totally without fault here. I, like most men, can attribute most of my unlikely series of circumstances to some woman somewhere whether she planned it to be that way or not.

So here I was in the shower this weekend. I'm staring at this shower caddy FULL of woman only type products. There's your standard loofa and assorted kiwi-lime bliss explosion soaps and such. *sniff*sniff* Hmmmm.... I'm smelling particularly gamey this afternoon. Let's pamper our self with something off the shelf of wonderment, shall we? Oh? This looks nice. *wipes soap from eyes* something about scrubbing and exfoliating. What the hell. I'll give the pits and boys a good scrub and smell fresh as a daisy, ya? ( This is where you will take mental note where I should read better in the shower). Lemme see here... a nice handful from this little tube thing. OoooOoo... it's kinda tingly. *rubs briskly*. Heyyyyyy, that's nice stuff. Oh my, getting a little warm too! Where the hell have I been with just my bar of soap and single bottle of shampoo? These women have it kinda niiiiiiiice. I should probably check out the HELP! HELP! GODAMNIT!!!!! My Godamned balls are on fire!!!!!! HELPPPPPPPP!. *grabs shower head and positions himself awkwardly to rinse off as best he can*. Jesus holy hell owwwwww. Quick. Must-stop-burn-now-argggghhhh. *grabs something that says peppermint*. AhhhHhhHHhHHh..... holy Christ that was a HELP! HELP! HELP! My balls are in liquid nitrogen!!!!! GAHHHHHHHH! *rinses off again awkwardly*

Folks, you have NO idea what kind of trauma I put my boys through in a very short time in that shower. I couldn't believe what the hell happened. Upon reflection my first mistake was not reading (ya think?). The first small bottle I grabbed was Nutrogena warming facial apricot scrub. One would think it was just some sort of soap but noooooooo. Warming in this case, obviously means slamming your nuts onto a hot campfire rock and letting them sizzle until burnt. How you women put this on your faces I'll never know. The second mistake was grabbing the peppermint exfoliating foot scrub. I'm thinking double mint stick of peppermint and what actually took place was empty your home air conditioner of all it's freon and sitting your crotch in it. To make it worse it had this ungodly grit in it that I can only describe to the fellow men reading this as those pumice rocks you find in lava bar soap only some evil troll got the bright idea of making them sharper somehow.

For the men out there. I'm not talking the kind of "nut experience" you get when you foomf a little gold bond powder on your boys and enjoy the day with a tingle. I'm talking full metal jacket Private Joker going apeshit in the bathroom stall terror. I'm like most of you. I'll go a little loopy when I hear I can get a tingle on the jewels and try something different. THIS was something way the fuck over on the left side of different,though. DO NOT ever grab that lady exfoliating tingle crap and try it EVER in your life. Ya hear me? I took one for the team here BIG TIME and can tell you first hand it's not worth the trip. Stick with the bar of soap or maybe the body wash in the shower.

Ladies. How in the HELL do you even necessitate not putting those hazmat warning labels on things when you know we're gonna be in the same shower as you. I blame you for this one because you know damn well we're stupid. Soap is in the eyes. Steam everywhere and one of us is mistakenly going to grab this shit and you all know it. Sadistic little tarts that you all are. I can hear the cackles from here so knock it off already. One comment from any of you and you can forget the little topiary garden we'd shave on you to keep things trim and tidy. I'll personally grab a leg and shear you like a damn sheep if you don't take some of the blame on this one. Admittedly it was stupid but you also have to admit these things don't belong where we can reach them.

Goddamn, that was hot. Excuse me whilst I go lay my sack over a Popsicle or something.

Working without exceptions

I'm going to take this point in time to let you know I'm a bit of a car person. I've probably had more cars before I was 20 than most of you will ever have in your entire lifetime. That's not a statement to brag, just to make fact. I'm 36 as I write this and I have to tell you honestly that I can't even count how many cars I've ever had up until now. It's my firm belief that everybody walks through life magically collecting something quite easily although they know not why. My gift is cars. I always happen to be at the right place at the right time for these stupid things or I'll come home and there will be a new one on the driveway that somebody just gives me for no damned good reason. Hey, let's give it to Russ ( yes, now you know my name. Boo ya for you and the strange look that it will get you when you think you have something worthwhile on me)... he doesn't mind an extra car. Here's the big kicker to the whole story. Every stinking' car EVER in my life has never worked %100. Not a single one. I'm always cursed with that "jiggle the handle" syndrome like when you go to a friend's house and the toilet is broken. You can borrow the car but don't take sharp left turns. Sure, you can ride with me, just enter left foot last because the bracket on the seat is broken. Wiggle the gas cap three times and then spin around clockwise on your foot really fast and pat your head.... the stereo will mysteriously work as it should then. See what I'm saying here? It's all very odd the way it is in my world.

Why not throw everything away and just buy new stuff you ask? BUZZZZZZ Wrong. I tried that move already. My first ever new car straight from the dealership was taken away on a flatbed 2 hours after I drove it away from there. After they fixed that problem a new one came up and they couldn't track it down. Then another and another. When I got rid of the car you couldn't drive it at EXACTLY 63 miles per hour for more than 15 minutes at a clip or it would overheat. You can go faster. You can go slower. You can take a 10 hour trip bouncing all around it and still be fine. Why exactly 63? I do not know. Also, the driver window if powered down 3/4 of the way would eventually fall forward. Half down was fine, 7/8 down was OK. Yadda yadda yadda. 3/4 down? Nope... voomp! Thar she goes again. See what I'm saying here folks?

So anyways.... ( and get ready to roll the eyes at me) I just caught a sweet deal on a nice Cadillac Seville. I'm LOVING this car which means if you've read the above, that it will have more gremlins in it than a WWII fighter plane stuck over Japan on a stealth mission. I get the car off ebay for a grand because the guy is losing his storage. Mind you, buying at low prices and getting things is NOT my problem here. It needed a little work which was easily enough taken care of by yours truly. I get it all buttoned up and ding-ding-ding.... wtf is that noise? CHECK SUSPENSION SYSTEM comes scrolling across the display. Huh? Wha....What is that? *quickly searches the Internet for what the deal is*. Ahhhh, I see. It must be a sensor! I will fix this. BUZZZ. Guess again, slick. They stopped making the stupid thing and junk yards don't have it anywhere. What does this mean? Oh, nothing as long as you like 3 corners of the car riding like a Cadillac and one riding like a Mack Truck. Sonofa...*&%^$!@$$*&. Once again I fall victim to my own curse. Until I get the correct part to fix this it's going to be one of those "OK, go slow over this bump, then fast over that one... now swerve to avoid that".

I'm not going to be able to just put in the key and do what I have to do. Yet again I'll have to have half of my mind on what to do in a car that normal people do not and it's gonna be a major suck fest. I have no doubts in my mind that I'll eventually track down the stupid sensor which is not hard to fix. How much you ALL wanna bet though that once I do that something else equally as gay will go wrong. Hey, got the ride thingy fixed. Wanna see? Just tap the door handle with your left hand and when you get in push the heater button twice and I can take you for a drive in it. Just once.... I'd like a car to be "working without exceptions".

My friend Vickie

Let me take a second here to clear the air. I don't want you all to think that I just hate humanity and the soccer moms that dwell within it. Quite the opposite, actually. I love watching and dealing with people. I just get irked at ignorance is all. I have a few sayings and if it helps you put things into perspective, here's one of them ( and yes, you can use it if you like). I'll forgive stupid 9 times out of 10 but I can't let stupid walk by without letting the offender know it pisses me off. Why, you ask? Because stupid people don't know any better and don't have the capacity to learn anything new. Ignorant people refuse to be bothered learning from theirs and other's mistakes. That's why it pisses me off. So at any rate.... a bit of sunshine in my otherwise pissed off world. I bring you Vickie.

Vickie is a peach of a gal. I've known her since I was about 14 years old and no matter how far away I get she always lets me know I can't run away from friends because they know more dirt about me than I can just let them sit idle with. In case Vickie's husband is reading.... we've done nothing more than ever write poetry and pick flowers together. If it's her and anybody else that knows her and I and not her husband......we've banged each other rotten quite a bit "back in the day". By saying banged rotten, it's my belief that I hit it hard and ruined her for other men. It's probably her line of thinking that "rotten" is exactly as the dictionary spells it out to be. Hey, how friggin Godly are you going to be when you're young? Cut me some slack. I learned the hand on my own ass while the other on the woman's from Ron Jeremy and that's about it. Evidently porn moves don't parlay well into just barely 20's as much as we think they do. Who knew? Lord knows it wasn't from watching a lot of it and trying to get all the help I could. Trust me, I studied and still do to this day. *sigh* I probably am still terrible at the whole thing and nobody has the heart to tell me. My gain their loss, I say.

Anyhoo.... Vickie and I e-mail back and forth here and there. I reply sometimes when I can and she does the same. Life gets busy as you grow and have kids I guess. When the last time I've actually *seen* Vickie? Fuck if I know. I don't see a lot of my old friends anymore and the point is that I should. Friends are friends no matter the time or distance. It saddens me that we don't have the opportunity to just go and hang out like the old days. Even before the um.... "flower picking" and such, we used to just hang and I really liked that about my close friends. Hey, whaddya doing? Nuttin, why? Wanna hang? Okay! See how easy it was? Nowadays you have to get clearance from significant others and sitters, etc etc etc. It's a whole big to do about these things. Vickie and I used to laugh at not only other people ( she's the female version of me in a way... very odd gal) but ourselves more often than not. I used to run a catering business out of a pub a long long lifetime ago. I'm sure on more than one occasion one or the other was snotted three sheets to the wind and dunno how we'd have made it home without the other one to lean on. That's a true friend right there. You maybe puke in my car, maybe not? What the hell, I'll get your sorry ass home. The fact that she had girl parts was just a bonus. Of course, I write all this knowing full well she's reading it wondering what I'll say next. It's a long standing tradition I have with myself that I never write about anybody specific per se, but what the hell. This is a new me and a new blog. I won't say anything overly incriminating or give out too many details. I just miss one of my very few close friends is all. Her name is Vickie and if she feels bold enough, maybe she'll leave an anonymous comment or some shit. No doubt I'll get an e-mail in a little while saying I could have said more. Then again if I said more I'd probably get an e-mail saying I told people too much,lol. Friend or not she's still a woman and THAT is how they work. It's in their blood I think.

I'll no doubt blog about women that have entered and exited my life ( the ex-douche bag is a given) but make no mistake. Vickie is not one of them. She was always and still is a good friend 'till the end and I just thought you all should know that. Vickie...... I miss "the hang" and I don't even mean that in a dirty porno way either,lol. Very rare for me not to, I assure you folks.

I love me some Taco Bell

I know, I know. It's totally not good for you in any way shape or form. God help me, though. I can't stop eating that garbage. I really don't know why. It's all relatively the same beans rice meat and tortilla folded differently or with a different sauce. I can't help myself though. I can't put my finger on it either. It's not like I'm that poor where I need to lavish in the idea of filling up on a 1.29 crappy burrito. I don't think it's exactly the "taste" of it all either. Not to mention, we all know it's not the clientele or the workers I enjoy seeing ( the people that frequent the place are making a pit stop either before or after Wal-Mart, I'm sure of it). I think it's because I told myself I can't have it anymore.

Let me elaborate that I'm trying to watch what I eat as I get older. Not that I ate anything really really bad in my younger days. It's just that I should make some sort of attempt at prolonging life instead of eating sticks of butter rolled in sugar and salt wrapped up in white bread layers. Ok, seriously I don't eat that but you get the jist of what I'm saying. I don't eat healthy and I know it. I've been trying lately to have something in the way of fruit for breakfast and a protein shake lunch and then something decent for dinner. You know, get the metabolism running at a good pace. Well, therein lays the problem. Taco Bell amazingly enough, is not a food group. I know! I'm pretty shocked about the whole thing too. Still though.... every so often I catch myself pulling in there and ordering a grande nacho cheese sauce gordita crunchwrap supreme fiesta bowl or some shit like that.

I guess I'm a comfort food sort of person. In the old days while growing up we had mom's this or that. When I was on my own and thumbing my nose at the world but doing it my way, I absolutely survived on the cheapest garbage that was available. That includes the illustrious Taco Bell, my friends. While I'm on the subject, I'm pretty pissed about not getting some of my old favorites. Let me share......

The "old" McDonald's apple pies. I'm not talking that baked powdery crap they pass off now. Oh no indeed. I'm talking that whole don't bite it as soon as you get it because it's filled with deep fried lava apple pies. They stopped making them when that dumb bitch burnt her own snatch with a cup of coffee from there ya know. I guess Ronald is protecting us from ourselves and his lawyers helped it along. We knew as kids after the first one not to go shoving the stupid thing in our mouths. They should bring it back. The same goes for a McRib, which I have NO fucking clue why it goes away for years at a clip. Stupid asshats at McD's. *shakes head*

Boo-berry cereal. I miss that stuff. Do you know if you eat a whole box in one sitting ( and I have, mind you) it turns your poop green? I'm not kidding. You only see it around Halloween but it used to be available all year round. The same goes for peanut butter Captain Crunch. If you're lucky enough to find a store that stocks it, REMEMBER it. If you store has it all the time and you don't have a clue about the conspiracy then aren't you the lucky bastard. Some places carry it off and on. Some all the time. Some not at all. No clue why that is either.

Kenny Rogers Roasted Chicken. Say what you want about that fat drunk bastard... he had some good food. I haven't seen one in years. Why they tanked I'll never know. The same with Schlotskies and their muffelatta sandwiches. I liked The Gambler's food so much that 3 hours after I had my wisdom teeth out a long time ago, I was driving to his place for a BBQ chicken sandwich. I know, ouch. Still though. His stuff was just that good. You know what we have now? Boston Market. Make me friggin GAG with their shit. I hate them.

So to wrap it all up. Fast food bad. Protein shakes and fresh veggies good for you. Will it stop me? Hell no. It shouldn't stop you either unless you eat that garbage 6 meals a day and are the size of a house. Take it all in moderation. Life's short so why not eat something you crave once in a while. Of course.... now my asshole is wanting to head for the border but that's the price ya pay I guess. :)